What is toxic positivity and how it prevents us from living

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

"Don't screw it up, everything will be fine!" - such phrases do not speak of optimism, but of avoiding problems and denying emotions.

What is toxic positivity

The call to think positively is often misunderstood and the whole idea is reduced to stereotyped slogans: “Nothing terrible happened”, “You need to rejoice, because there are so many reasons for happiness in your life!”, “Negative thoughts attract negative events, and you send the right signal to the Universe ! Psychologists call this approach toxic positivity, and it does not lead to anything good.

At the same time, real positive thinking really brings benefits, for example, it reduces anxiety, helps to believe in yourself and learn new skills, and reduces the risk of developing cardiovascular diseases. Therefore, it is worth distinguishing one type of positivity from another.

How toxic positivity manifests itself and where it comes from

You can recognize her by the following phrases:

• Downplaying the scale of troubles: “Well, think about it, they fired! There is no need to hang your nose, I will quickly find a new job! ".
• Simplification of the situation: "Just don't worry!", "Relax and think good!"
• Disclaimer for everything bad that happens: "I am very talented, but I did not pass the exam, because the teacher did not like me."
• Shifting the solution of problems onto some abstract forces: “Everything will work out somehow, you’ll see!”, “You just believe in good, and everything will come by itself!”.
• Shifting full responsibility for what is happening on a person: "Everything is in your hands!", "You just need to try and work hard, then everything will work out."

We behave this way because of the protective mechanism of the psyche: we instinctively want to fence ourselves off from bad events, to hide from negative emotions. And yet we simply do not know how to support ourselves or others and do not think too much about whether there is something behind the words spoken.

What toxic positivity leads to

You forbid yourself to experience emotions

With these phrases, you block your real feelings. You push the pain, anger, resentment, longing and disappointment deeper and replace them with cardboard positivity. This does not go away without leaving a trace: ignoring real emotions makes us feel unhappy and leads to depression.

You devalue other people's feelings and problems

If a person complains about something, he wants to be heard, acknowledged his emotions and empathized. Rough phrases like “Do not think about bad things”, “Everything will definitely work out” will not really comfort him. They will only be forced to believe that their own experiences and difficulties do not matter, that no one understands him and in general he is somehow wrong, since he has such strong feelings about such a trifling matter.

You avoid solving the problem

Imagine a situation: a person was interviewed, but he was not hired. He can analyze why this happened, improve the skills that he lacks, go to study. Or he can wave his hand and say: “Everything is for the best! I am beautiful, and the employer is just a fool."

There is a chance that the candidate is indeed an excellent specialist, and his potential boss did not act very wisely. But it cannot be ruled out that a person has room to grow, but because of such an attitude to the problem, he will not do this.

You can get bogged down in unhealthy relationships

“This is all not out of malice, he is a good person, you need to forgive him”, “She has the best motives, just a complex character, it is better not to hold offense and make peace”. If you are systematically hurt, being positive about the situation (that is, ignoring it) can be costly. You will constantly forgive bullies, go to meet them, convince yourself that everything is fine, and you will be stuck in an unhappy relationship that will undermine your self-esteem and mental health.

How to be positive without toxicity

Don't block emotions

Psychologists believe that you need to allow yourself to think negatively. Negative emotions are absolutely normal, it is useless to suppress them - you can only accept, allow yourself to experience them and admit that you have every right to them. This process is also called feeling validation.

In relationships with other people, this approach also works. If someone complains about something, feel sorry for the person, tell them that the situation is really unpleasant, so it is not surprising that he is angry or upset. Be there, offer help, tell us about your similar experience, if you had one. Do not make him smile, forcibly look for positive moments where he does not see them, and bury his real feelings.

Focus on action

After you've let your emotions run wild, think about what the situation can teach you, how you can benefit from it, and what you can do to resolve it. This approach is called proactive. It is believed that the Austrian psychiatrist and former prisoner of the Nazi concentration camp Viktor Frankl first spoke about him in his book "A Man in Search of Meaning". And then the idea of proactivity was picked up and popularized by other psychologists, as well as coaches and productivity experts such as Stephen Covey.

If a person is proactive, he does not slip into negativity ("I am not hired, I am a loser, I will never succeed"), but he also does not hide behind meaningless and unproductive positivity ("Nothing! Everything will definitely work out!"). He admits that something bad has happened, but takes on the necessary responsibility and concentrates on the actions: “Yes, they didn't take me, it's sad. But now I know what it takes to study to get my dream job. In the near future I will look for courses or internships and start studying. " This position lifts the mood, gives energy and helps to find solutions even in difficult situations.