4 misconceptions that make people unnecessarily ashamed of divorce

Divorce in Russia is still perceived as the end of the world. Even if a person left the monster, many will condemn him: he did not save his family. However, in the opposite situation it will not be easier. When a couple breaks up because the relationship has exhausted itself, there are even more questions: if people don't hate each other, no one cheats, no one beats, then why can't they live together?

The idea of parting as the collapse of life is so strong that feelings of guilt and shame in front of oneself and others are often added to the emotions from this event. Let's take a look at four global misconceptions that make divorce survivors think they're not doing well.

1. Before there were no divorces, it means that then they knew how to work on relationships

Often people like to nod to the past: they say, earlier couples lived together until their death and did not get divorced, not like now. But there is some slyness here. It's like saying: "Well, before people walked only in shoes made of natural materials, and now they wear synthetics." There were no synthetics, so they went in natural.

There have always been divorces in one form or another, but with a lot of restrictions. For example, in the 11th century, according to the Charter of Prince Yaroslav about church courts, it was legally possible to divorce only because of “violations” by his wife. For example, if she cheated or knew about the attempt on the prince's life, but did not report.

Later, the marriage could only be dissolved with the permission of the church. Moreover, the reasons must be valid. For example, if one of the spouses has changed or departed from Orthodoxy. And also the marriage ended if one of them went to the monastery. This loophole was used by the nobility, because they were not allowed to divorce just like that. Ivan the Terrible, for example, did it twice - with Anna Koltovskaya and Anna Vasilchikova.

And so it went on for several centuries. The church issued very few permits for divorce every year, and most of them fell on the nobility. But this did not prevent people from parting and converging with other partners. In the 18th century, the so-called letters of divorce were even used. They had no legal force, they just tried to give the break up at least some formality with their help. As a result, according to the 1897 census, there was one divorced person for every 1,000 married men.

In the 20th century, attitudes towards divorce were different. Divorce procedures were simplified and toughened. The church and her opinion faded into the background. But a lot of other factors came into play - from the banal "what people will say" to the possible dragging out at a party meeting, which would hinder a career.

So for a small number of official divorces, the answer is not at all spirituality and bonds, but the complexity of the procedure and its negative consequences.

2. Divorce means that the couple did not try well to keep the family together

You probably know this parable. One elderly couple was asked how they managed to live together for so long. "You see," they replied, "we were born and raised in the days when broken things were repaired, not thrown away." Sometimes you get the impression that people who have a relationship did not work out, they just worked poorly on them. They would try, and they would succeed.

But here again there is guile. Because relationships can be different. Someone manages to meet a person with whom it is easy, calm and possible to develop in the same rhythm and in the same direction. But a successful marriage for life is rather a happy exception. Chances are good that the wedding will be followed by a breakup. For example, in 2018, for 893 thousand marriages in Russia, there were 584 thousand divorces.

Divorce doesn’t mean the couple was doing poorly to keep the family together

Sometimes it is better to throw out a broken item than to fix it. And relationships aren't always worth keeping. Let's say you are driving your favorite car and hit a post while cornering. There is a scratch on the door, but it is easy to repair and you can enjoy the ride further. And it happens that after an accident the car is soft-boiled and you yourself miraculously escaped. It is theoretically possible to try to fix it, but success is unlikely.

It's the same with relationships. In a happy marriage, on some bends, people can get spiritual scratches. It will hardly hurt and they will heal quickly. But if a person has become a participant in an unbearable crash test, for example, with betrayal, violence, or just something unacceptable for him, will this car move? Wouldn't it be like driving without brakes or airbags, when any unevenness in the road could lead to a crash?

3. Divorce - what happens to "low-quality" people

Somewhere there are special people who get into trouble. They are expelled from universities, they lose their jobs and get divorced, they have ill-bred children. But you are a good person and you are doing everything right, so this will never happen to you. This is how faith in a just world works: it seems that everyone is getting what they deserve.

In reality, of course, this is not the case. Often times, things just happen because they happen, and bad things happen to good people. Divorce by itself does not characterize a person. He simply testifies that he had a relationship that did not work out.

4. Divorce means that the person was wrong from the beginning

Often, parting makes the whole relationship unsuccessful. For example, a couple has been married for many years, but in recent years they begin to swear and eventually get divorced. In the process, phrases like "I spent the best years of my life on you." The participants in the story may believe that even then, at the start, they chose the wrong partners, and blame themselves for this.

Relationships are not equal to their ending. It is not the result that is important here, but the process. Surely they were not always unhappy and brought a lot into your life. They are part of it.

But even if you really did not see your partner properly through rose-colored glasses and hurried, this is still not a reason for self-flagellation. In the end, if scientists test a hypothesis and it doesn't work, they get upset, but then they describe the result in the study, draw conclusions and continue experiments with the new data. Take an example from them, and everything will definitely work out for you.