8 parenting attitudes that harm your child and how to change them

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Never say these words to your child unless you want to ruin his life.

Parental attitudes are directives that we unknowingly instill in our children on a daily basis. They seem harmless to us and come from the best intentions, but the effect is the opposite, the psychological health of the child is harmed. Personal deformations in a person do not occur from scratch. They are made up of everyday and repetitive situations within the family, words, expressions and even facial expressions of parents. As a result, we achieve a completely different result with our own hands.

The task of parents is to analyze their speech and behavior, to realize the fact that there is a directive and work out the necessary one. If you recognize and correct these attitudes in time, you will be able to raise a successful and happy child.

1. Don't live

Think about the true meaning of these words: “What a slob you are! And why did I give birth to you? I thought you would help me! "," I don't need such a bully, sit here, and I went. " This is one of the most popular and traumatic manipulations for a child's psyche. There is a game on the chronic feeling of guilt that the baby is to blame for all the failures of the parents.

Children who grow up with this attitude choose a model of behavior in which they are constantly punished. This softens the feeling of guilt, for a moment the child is freed from the psychological burden.

How to do it right

• Repeat every day: "I am very happy that I have you."
• Prepare a surprise for your kid - a card "You are my sun, glad that we are together." Periodically surprise your child with such signs of attention. We take for granted similar messages from children, but, unfortunately, we rarely do something like this in return.
• Make a collage with your child "Family, how I love you." Take Whatman paper, glue, family photos and get creative. The main thing is the message, which is fixed in the mind of the child through creativity.
• Read books about love and family values. For example, Sam McBratney's book Do You Know How I Love You? In it you can glean ideas for expressing the power of love: "I love you wide, wide," "I love you far, far away," "I love you to the moon." You can come up with your own verbal traditions.

2. Don't be a child

This is a classic: "You are no longer small, think for yourself!", "Stop acting like a child, it's time to grow up." Usually this is said to the only or eldest child in the family. As a result - the suppression of the creative impulse, the desire to show their "I", low self-esteem.

How to do the right thing

• Repeat daily: “I am happy with every minute spent together. You are now three years old, this is a wonderful age. Gradually you will learn everything."
• Appreciate the moment. Control yourself and try not to plan your child's development more than a year in advance. Interests change at lightning speed, but talent is very easy to miss.
• Pay attention to what the baby is good at. Speak out his successes and offer to repeat it again, but together.
• Do not tell your child directly that he is already big. Better try to use practices from the adult world. For example, make a kanban board together. To do this, draw 3 columns on a Whatman paper or use 3 cabinet doors. The first is "What to do", the second is "In the process", the third is "Done". Glue sticky notes with tasks in the columns and move them from left to right depending on the progress. So you can teach your child to make bed or read more.

3. Don't grow

“Do not rush to grow up, you will have time for everything”, “I will always be there and never leave you”, “You will always remain my baby” - behind these words lies the parents' fear of being left alone with each other or alone after the child leaves the family.

How to do it right

• Repeat every day: “I love you very much. You are smart, kind, brave. Everything will be fine for you in the future: you will create your own family, find a calling, a job you love, like-minded people, and you will achieve whatever you want."
• Visualize growing up. To do this, buy and hang a stadiometer. You can add photos to it and write down the key achievements of the child.
• Plan a list of children's opportunities and responsibilities. Give your child the opportunity, but mention the need to be responsible for it. For example, at the age of 12, get a bank card and talk about financial planning and making money.

4. Don't think

Something happened, the child is upset, bothers him with questions, and you answer him: “Oh, why are you fixated? Stop thinking about it, let's go see a cartoon better. Over time, the child will not even try to cope with difficult situations.

How to do it right

• Ask the child for their opinion, but do not judge the answer. It is enough to say "Where did you get this nonsense?", And the child will begin to think his thoughts are stupid.
• Teach children different types of thinking. One of the ways to develop creative thinking is the focal object method. Asking the child the question "What kind of pen can be?" and you get a series of adjectives in response. Then choose three random objects and describe their properties. For example, an apple is edible, red; machine - mobile, with light; constructor - collapsible, multi-colored. Then you apply these properties to the handle: it can be edible, with a flashlight, collapsible. Such exercises subsequently help to solve life problems.

5. Don't feel

So we literally forbid the child to feel feelings: "Do not be angry with the teacher, she is good for you as a grandmother", "Calm down, you can't laugh like that in front of everyone", "Don't you dare to envy." As a result, the child believes that he should not feel emotions in relation to certain people and transfers them to younger brothers, sisters or classmates.

How to do it right

• Talk with your child about his emotions, help him become aware of and manage feelings. Ask him to finish the sentences: “I feel…”, “Because…”, “I would like to…” Explain that there are no bad emotions. Each of them has the right to exist and draws a person's attention to what worries him the most at the moment.
• Demonstrate how you can express negative emotions in a playful way: shout anger into the "bag of anger", throw out resentment with the "pillow of negativity", trample envy on the "rug of hatred".

6. Don't be successful, don't be a leader

To avoid envy or condemnation, parents instill in the child: "Where are you leaning out?", "What will people think?"

How to do it right

• Say that you believe in the child's talents, and be sure to specify: “You are making great strides in playing the piano. The main thing is that you yourself are interested. I believe in you and in the fact that you will achieve great heights in this."
• Set achievable goals. For example, not “to win all competitions”, but “to take part in four competitions this year”. This will avoid injury if the child does not win.
• Create a talent tree. To do this, draw a mind map, where schematically depict the child's cherished dreams: “to become an astronaut,” “to get an Oscar,” stick stickers with the child's hobbies. For the most important, you can create a vector - to paint specific steps towards achieving the goal. Visualization will motivate and fuel interest.

7. Don't

“Wait, don't start! I’ll come now and help you.” The meaning of these words is: "Don't do it yourself, I'll do it for you." Children learn not to take responsibility, become indecisive and get bogged down in problems.

How to do it right

• Give your child the opportunity to act independently. It is enough to complete the task for the child 2-3 times, and there is no need to wait for the initiative. Take your time - it is more important to learn how to tie your shoelaces than to be late to your grandmother.
• Master the "zone of proximal development": analyze the actions that the child can perform himself, and together take a small step to the next stage of development. For example, first the baby takes scissors under the supervision of a parent, then learns to cut in a straight line. If it works, we teach you how to cut out circles and curved lines and let them try it yourself. Older children can also be taught according to this scheme, for example, cooking.

8. Don't be yourself

This is how parents make the child feel chronic dissatisfaction with himself. A person grows up to be envious, aggressive, deceitful, fleeing from his personality. And all this comes from harmless phrases like: “Why did Vasya cope with the task, but you didn’t?”, “Strive for the ideal, you must be the best”.

How to do it right

• Tell your child about the uniqueness of each person. We do not have to meet someone's expectations and be like someone else, everyone has their own path.
• Use techniques to visualize your child's success, such as a talent tree.
• Do not forget that you must always be on the side of the child.

The task of parents is to control their behavior and understand what, to whom and why to speak, to what consequences words can lead. It is important to value the relationship here and now, to love the child as a person, not to try to change him and to respect his opinion, character and desires.