"Woe you are mine!": How negative attitudes harm us and what can be done with them

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Why phrases like “money spoils people” or “boys don’t cry” should be a thing of the past.

Our actions are determined by our way of thinking. And that, in turn, is made up of a set of attitudes. That is, ideas and beliefs, a kind of mental cliché that live in our head and affect the way we make decisions. The bad news is that they are sometimes not the best influence. Good: it can be fixed.

Where do harmful attitudes come from?

• We hear them from parents: “In our family, everyone is bad with mathematics, you'd better go to a lawyer”, “Well, your hands are so crooked, you always spoil everything”, “Woe, you are mine!”
• Their society inspires us: “All women are mercantile and windy”, “All men cheat, and they only need one thing”, “Without money and connections nothing can be achieved”, “Boys don’t cry”.
• We come up with them ourselves based on our bad experience: “Public speaking is not my thing. When I fooled at the school concert, everyone laughed at me."
• They come from proverbs, sayings and folk wisdom: "He who laughs a lot will cry a lot", "Better a bird in his hand than a pie in the sky."
• Or formed historically: “A man should bring a mammoth, and a woman should keep the hearth”, “A child needs to be raised with a belt, only then something worthwhile will grow out of him”, “All businessmen are thieves, deceivers and lazy people, and ordinary working people are honest and hardworking.”

There is some truth in these beliefs, but they are often biased, built on generalizations, false conclusions or outdated premises.

How these attitudes harm us

Psychology professor Carol Dweck says that all attitudes can be conditionally divided into two types: immutability (fixed thinking) and growth (flexible thinking). Those with the first type predominate believe in fate and believe that little depends on them, and that success is determined by some given factors, such as genetics or the well-being of parents. Those who think flexibly know that their lives are largely determined by themselves.

People with a growth mindset are more relaxed about failure, ready to work on themselves and achieve their goals.

And most of the harmful attitudes can be precisely attributed to fixed thinking. And this is how they prevent us from living.

They prevent us from earning decent money

“You have to hold on to work to the last,” we say to ourselves. And we do not leave the place where they pay us a penny, offend and force us to recycle for free. Or we are afraid to develop and try something new, convincing ourselves that a change in profession or a new education is only for those who are younger. And yet we do not dare to start our own business, because “money spoils people”, and “business cannot be conducted honestly”.

They don't let us fight for a better life

Under any news that says that in some city they do not clean up garbage, do not pay people salaries or buy medicines, there are always comments like: “There is corruption everywhere, we can’t change anything”. Or: “We didn’t live well, there’s nothing to start”. Such a position is very devastating and demotivating, and as a result, people hardly resist lawlessness.

They make us afraid of change

You've probably heard phrases like “where I was born, it came in handy there”, “after thirty it’s too late”, “you need to work by profession, in vain that I studied for so many years”. Or maybe they themselves have said them more than once. All these expressions only seem harmless. If we hear and repeat them constantly, it is more difficult for us to dare to move, new relationships, change jobs, professions or new hobbies.

They keep us from building healthy relationships

“All women need only money, and men only need sex,” is heard from everywhere. And we get used to perceiving the people around us as cynical consumers who only want to get some benefit from us.

Women do not dare to leave a drinking, beating or simply unloved husband, only because he is "inferior, but his own" and "still a man in the house." And they also shift the responsibility onto the partner, because “I’m a girl and I don’t want to decide anything.”

They rob us of our joy

The fear of retribution for happiness is often based on the attitudes drawn from proverbs, sayings and family wisdom: “nothing is given for nothing,” “who laughs a lot will cry a lot,” and so on. Absorbing all this, we really begin to think that happiness will have to be paid for, and we cannot ultimately enjoy life.

How to deal with harmful attitudes

Some attitudes are so deeply rooted in our minds that there seems to be no way to get rid of them. But, fortunately, you can still fight them. Here's what psychologists recommend doing.

Recognize harmful installations

Every time a thought interferes with your action, makes you fearful, or ruins your mood, try to stop, catch it by the tail, and examine it properly. Analyze how this idea sounds, where it came from, where you heard it. Was the person who voiced it competent and authoritative enough, and are his words really important now.

Ask yourself questions

To work with attitudes and beliefs, psychologists suggest asking yourself:

• Does this belief help me be effective?
• Does this belief help me be happy?
• Does it help me build relationships?
• What will it cost me to give up this belief? What consequences will I face?
• What will it cost my near and dear people?
• Will my life improve if I change my belief? How will I feel then?
• I understand that I want to change my belief. What will replace him?

Formulate new attitudes and beliefs

Each attitude needs to be reformulated so that it starts to motivate and inspire you. Or at least it didn't stop you from acting.

• “Without money and connections, nothing can be achieved” → “If I were richer, it would be easier for me. But I am capable of a lot and will find a way to succeed using what I have."
• "Public speaking is not mine" → "Yes, now I will not be able to speak in public, but if I practice, I will succeed."

Take action

New attitudes need to be supported by actions, otherwise they will remain theories. After all, it was our actions (or inaction) that once helped take root old, harmful patterns.

If you decide that you can pump in public speaking, then you should sign up for oratory lessons or start practicing on your own. And if you realized that it is not too late to get a second higher education either at 40 or at 80, choose a university and start studying the conditions of admission. The first successes will help the new attitudes to gain a foothold - and you will understand that you are on the right track.