What to do if you are not happy with the relationship

What is needed for a harmonious relationship: 4 levels of contact and 8 basic needs

We have three parts: "inner parent", "adult" and "child". The interaction of these parts provides the four levels of contact that are necessary for a deep relationship.

The inner child is responsible for closeness, sincerity, contact and creativity. A family without child-level contact will, unfortunately, fall apart.
The "inner parent" is responsible for control, reward, safety, determining what is right and what is wrong, what is important and what is unimportant. In a good and long-term relationship, the views on these things should mostly coincide.
The “inner adult” is responsible for plans for the future, attitude to money: how to spend and earn it. If the “internal adults” of the spouses have not agreed on this issue, it is extremely difficult to maintain the relationship.
The connection between your “inner parent” and the “inner child” of your partner (and vice versa) manifests itself in mutual care for each other.

In other words, there are eight basic needs to be met in a relationship:

Need for security: In a healthy relationship, we can be who we are without fear of losing love and respect.
Need to be valuable and significant: We want to be appreciated, cared for, and considered worthy.
Need to be accepted by a reliable person: As a child, we need acceptance from a strong and protective adult, but, unfortunately, for many, this need has not been met.
The need for a shared experience: to be on the same wavelength with someone, to feel that someone else is experiencing the same or experienced before is an important part of a relationship.
Need for self-determination: even in a relationship, we want to maintain our uniqueness and receive recognition of this uniqueness.
Need for influence: in any relationship, we want to influence each other. We dream of changing someone else's way of thinking, behavior, emotional reaction. At the same time, we want not only to influence, but also to see the effect of this influence.
The need for initiative from another: we want the initiative in communication to come not only from us. Any relationship where one person always takes the first step ultimately becomes one-sided or even painful.
The need to express love: To show feelings of love and affection for someone who knows us well, respects and accepts, who cares about us.

You may ask, where is the need to be loved? The point is that when all these needs are met, we feel loved.

There may also be a ninth need, which is unique. It is yours. Someone has it, someone does not.

How to improve or maintain relationships

Look carefully at how evenly the types of contact are distributed and whether all the needs in your relationship are met in both directions. If so, maintain this balance. This is enough to keep the relationship alive.

If the balance is upset, you need to identify weak positions and jointly develop them. Please note that each partner should have a desire for change. If only you have it, nothing will come of it.

Talk to each other using not only logic, but also emotional intelligence. It is the ability to recognize your own and others' emotional reactions, to respond to them with your mind and heart.
Develop empathy - the ability to understand another person and his feelings, to imagine yourself in his place.
Do not think it out - ask. Experience shows that even after living for many years as a couple, people may not fully understand what is really happening with a partner, so dialogue is very important.
If you have a quarrel and you have not been able to resolve this conflict for a long time or have questions because of which you regularly swear for a year or more, contact a specialist. The problem will not disappear by itself, but will go deep and will destroy your relationship like rust.

What to do if you can't even start a relationship

Our very first relationship was with our parents. If you have not been able to even start building relationships with your partner for a long time, then the way of contact between you and loved ones was such that you did not receive the important skill of building connections with others. There may be several reasons.

Too close contact with parents or other significant figures who have replaced them. In other words, the place of a potential partner has already been taken. You need to get out of the psychological symbiosis with your family and only then look for a life partner. Breaking out of symbiosis is not as easy as it might seem, and moving away from your parents is not always enough.
You have had a traumatic experience of family relationships (physical, psychological punishment) or experienced early abandonment of children.

If you classified yourself as one of the first or the second category of people and for more than three years you have not been able to create a long-term relationship with someone on your own, you should contact a psychologist who specializes in changing established patterns of behavior.

The fact is that the longer we leave repetitive actions without a deep adjustment of their foundations - thoughts, feelings, sensations - the more difficult it will be to change such behavior. Neural connections are strengthened and lead to the automation of reactions. The sooner you start working with it with it, the easier it is to make a difference.

All close and warming relationships!