How not to forget yourself and stay happy if you are a working mom

What is the problem

Interesting fact: Working in a leadership position increases the risk of depression in women, but not in men. Such conclusions were made by scientists at the University of Texas as a result of a study that was conducted from 1957 to 2004.

Women with the power to hire, fire, and set the pay of their employees are significantly more likely to have symptoms of depression than women without such powers. At the same time, the frequency of symptoms of depression in male executives, on the contrary, is much lower than in men who do not occupy such positions.

The authors believe that chronic stress is the main explanation for these results, since women are very often responsible for family and children as well. The loads they are subjected to often exceed their capacity.

Why it happens

It's not because women work worse or because they need to stay at home. They simply could not fully adapt to their new social role, which is in deep conflict with the evolutionary role, with the rules of community and sexual behavior that were laid down in them.

The biological basis makes a woman instinctively accept that her main concern is to have children and take care of them. Moreover, this is our physiological mission, therefore, naturally, with the appearance of children, we turn on the mechanism to live for their sake. We are biochemically, hormonally tuned in to this.

When the mission to have a child is completed, the woman ceases to fight for herself and her attractiveness.

This is compounded by the fact that it takes a long time for the child to become independent. During this period, completely new neural chains of pleasure and happiness are formed in the woman's brain.

The feeling of happiness in a person occurs when certain hormones are produced: dopamine, serotonin, endorphin and oxytocin. For the role of a mother, the latter is of the utmost importance - the hormone of attachment.

In a woman's body, the main role of oxytocin is to contract the muscles of the uterus and milk ducts of the mammary glands, so the level of this hormone is very important during childbirth and during feeding. After the birth of a child, the production of oxytocin goes off scale, and every time we are with him, this hormone continues to be produced.

Therefore, the feeling of guilt when we are not around the baby is oxytocin hunger.

With a lack of hormone, we feel bad, anxious, we feel guilty - it means that we did something wrong. But at the same time, our social role, which has changed historically, does not leave us. We want to be close to the child hormonally, but we can no longer be excluded from society. Hence the two most common problems: accumulating stress in women and postpartum depression.

Most women don't do anything about it. They carry chronic fatigue and stress like a time bomb. What is it fraught with? Disruption. It will touch children and lead to a lack of attention to yourself and your partner. Therefore, there is nothing good in heroically fulfilling your mission, getting very tired and forgetting about yourself. This must be overcome. For a woman in the current social conditions, selflessness is dangerous.

How to overcome your own inattention

1. Understand and accept that many of your feelings are dictated by biochemistry

This is not a duty, not the highest meaning, this is a banal overabundance of certain hormones. And they are produced in your body in the same quantity as was necessary in the days of the Cro-Magnons. It is advisable to understand this, to study yourself in order to manage emotions and understand them better.

2. Learn selfishness

Thinking about yourself and your desires is fundamentally important. Only a developed sense of selfishness will allow you to remember that your life is not over, you, healthy and happy, will be needed by the child more than the unhappy and tired, and distribute your time according to this. The must-read book is The Virtue of Selfishness by Ayn Rand.

3. Assign roles in the home

Moms are very bad managers. They are afraid to delegate and do not know how to prioritize. Often, your family members do not do what is necessary, because you are afraid to entrust it to them, you cannot insist or are unable to determine what is important and what is not. And let there be no illusions: working women who have learned to do a lot and are happy never do everything alone.

Behind every happy woman there are helpers who love her or her children, without whom she cannot cope and to whom she transfers part of the tasks.

How to learn to be happy

1. Give yourself permission

The famous book by Stephen D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, Freakonomics, examines the formation of behavior patterns in children from the standpoint of behavioral economics. The authors came to an unexpected conclusion: children are influenced not so much by what we do with them or for them, but by who we are.

For example, the most educated and loving to read were not those who were forced to do it or who were read at night, but those who had large libraries in their homes and who often saw their parents with a book.

Why this example? To make your children happy, you must become that way yourself and develop this feeling in yourself.

Happiness is not a routine, but a few moments. Don't be discouraged if you miss a lot of everyday child-related moments. The human brain is trained to optimize everything. Getting used to something, he ceases to reward us with dopamine or serotonin for the usual action. What does it mean? This means that something unusual will be deposited in the memory of your children as a happy memory: a special day, a trip. Your child will not be unhappy if you have five dinners a week with him instead of seven.

2. Exercise

Delegate responsibility

Assign someone in your household with what you think you do better than others (read at night, make pancakes). Try not to make comments, give the person a chance. This will help you develop the habit of trusting other people to do something, even if it is imperfect.

Remember your desires

When making plans for the month, quarter, year, write a wishlist just for yourself.

Think about what's still to come

Think about what dreams you are still going to realize in life (fall in love again, go to Mexico, dance tango). Drive away the thought that it might be late. The word "late" should be put out of my head.

Demand more attention to yourself

Allow yourself to be moody or finicky with those who love you. It is very important. You have a right to this weakness (the main thing is not to abuse it). This is how you develop the habit of those around you to be considerate of you. Remember that you are the most important person in the family and this should be appreciated.

3. Develop habits that make you happier

For dopamine production

1. Celebrate small victories. You are making some progress every day. Therefore, try to see them and say to yourself: "I did it!".

2. Move towards new goals gradually. Take 10 minutes a day to start with a new goal, and you will feel the joy of movement instead of discouragement and momentum. But devote time to action, not daydreaming. These 10 minutes will provide a rush of dopamine, new neural connections will be built.

3. Be objective: don't overestimate or underestimate your bar. Positive emotions overwhelm you when the task or problem facing you is within your reach.

If the basketball hoop is hanging too low, you won't get much pleasure from hitting it with the ball. If it is too high, there will be no point in even trying to put the ball into the basket. Therefore, if you do not feel the joy of some victories, the difficulty level may be too low or too high for you.

For the production of endorphins

1. Laugh. Sincere laughter is essential to kickstart the endorphin production mechanism. Observe yourself, find out what makes you laugh, and try to use it regularly. If these are humorous programs or comedies - watch them, if a group of friends - meet more often.

2. Cry. Don't do it on purpose. But if you feel like crying, then do not restrain yourself thinking that this is stupid or is a manifestation of weakness.

3. Add variety to your exercise routine. This is how different muscle groups are involved, stimulating the production of endorphins.

For the production of oxytocin

1. Do massage and self-massage regularly.

2. Pay attention to your friends and go to meetings. Every little action you take to strengthen your friendship with another person triggers a rush of oxytocin.

Divorce lawyers deliberately initiate small positive interactions between spouses and, as a result, often seek agreement between them.

For the production of serotonin

1. Be proud of what you did. Be sure to express your satisfaction with your actions once a day, or share your pride with those around you.

2. Remember happy moments. Look at old photographs or re-read diary entries from those pleasant days. This simple action increases the synthesis of serotonin.

3. Learn to appreciate your position, whatever it may be. When you are subordinate to someone, find your advantages, such as lack of responsibility. And if you are in a dominant position, enjoy others' respect and choice. In other words, find the positive in any situation.

4. Take a short break once a day to assess the benefits you are bringing to others. Try not to draw attention to this and not make statements like: "I told you!" Just look for even the smallest signs of respect and feel satisfied with them.

5. Relax if you can't control everything. This is how our brain works: it feels good when it controls the situation. Learn to feel safe even when not everything is in control. To create such a neural circuit, pay attention to the moments when you strive for control over everything, and do exactly the opposite.

For example, experiment with time like this:

Start any business without limiting the time of its completion in advance. The case ends when you think it's over.
Set aside a period of time each day when you can act without any plan.
Define days for yourself when you can wake up without looking at the alarm and do your usual things without checking the clock.

Remember, the brain needs all four hormones of joy. Therefore, balance your habits and add variety even to your hobbies. If you like to photograph, then you can induce a rush of dopamine by constantly looking for new angles, to activate the production of oxytocin - by sharing work with others, and serotonin - by showing them at exhibitions.