Why couples fight and how to avoid it

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

We will tell you how to stop scandalous over trifles and not bring conflicts to the point of absurdity.

Belgian psychotherapist and family psychologist Esther Perel

Some couples live in a state of sluggish conflict in which they constantly cling to each other. In such couples, they do not say “I would like a glass of water”, but say “why are you pouring water only for yourself ?!”.

If you brawl for hours over nonsense, and then are horrified how you could have said such unpleasant things, it is time to sort out the conflicts on the shelves and introduce new rules.

Why loving couples actually swear

An external reason for a quarrel is almost never such. Spilled tea or wasted stash do not make us suffer on their own. We transfer them to another emotional level, where we react not to the situation, but to our thoughts about it.

So, a mess made by a soul mate can only cause fleeting grief. The fire of a future scandal ignites the idea that your partner doesn't care about you. However, you came to this idea on your own, and the person simply did not put things in their places. He did not associate it with your happiness.

In psychology, there is the concept of "trigger" - a trigger, a situation that provokes negative emotions. Family psychologists say that all triggers that cause domestic conflicts can be divided into the following categories.

Past experience

People bring past experiences and memories from their own family into their current relationships.

Let's say you have watched your parents swear for many years when someone came home late from work. Therefore, now, when you are late yourself, you feel guilty, and when your partner does it, you have the right to tell him how uncomfortable it is for you.

Another example: your past partner carried emotions in him, and then exploded because of nonsense. Your new love does not accumulate bad things, but immediately expresses its feelings, so it seems to you that the person is too often unhappy with you.

Lack of self-realization

Existential suffering pushes some people into constant clashes: is this my person, is I appreciated as a person, can I become happier in other respects. This happens when a person is dissatisfied with life and feels that he cannot realize himself.

Self-esteem of such people is very vulnerable, and many actions of the other half are perceived by them as disrespect. Tells me the way - thinks I'm not able to figure it out on my own. Didn't wash the dishes - thinks that I have no more important things to do, that my life is reduced to home.

Struggle for control and freedom

Some people want to know every second where their partner is, what he is doing, what he is thinking about. Any attempt to maintain privacy looks like betrayal to them. The struggle for control generates conflicts due to unanswered calls, delays, unnecessary spending and independent decisions.

It is especially difficult if the second person is freedom-loving and independent. People rarely admit, even to themselves, that they want to control their partner. This usually takes the form of resentment: the person does not do the way I want, which means that he does not love me enough.

What mistakes partners make in quarrels

It is important to catch the moment when a simple skirmish develops into a branch of hell with screams, tears and collecting things, and not cross the border. Psychotherapist Esther Perel works with couples around the world and what behavioral mistakes provoke scandals.

Denying a partner's emotions

Surprisingly, even close people often experience the same situations in different ways. Even if you are right a hundred times, it will be difficult for your partner to agree if he perceived everything differently.

Example: you leave the sick half to rest and go to do business. And when you return, you meet resentment and misunderstanding: how it was possible to leave me alone. You will insist that you showed concern and there was nothing to be offended, and your partner - that there is no concern, and you just left.

How to avoid: give your partner the right to his feelings and explain that you achieved another, but you understand his emotions.

Negative prescription

People perceive their mistakes and weaknesses as a tribute to external difficulties. And at the same time, the mistakes of the partner are considered by them as part of the person's personality.

Example: you get annoyed over trifles because you had a bad day. But when a partner grumbles at you idle, it's because he is an egoist who does not appreciate what you do for him.

How to avoid: not to make loud conclusions about the character of a person, to assess a specific situation, and not the person as a whole.

The cycle of negative escalation

The essence of this mistake is that a quarrel develops in a vicious circle: during an argument, people deliberately evoke emotions in their partner that they do not want to see. They know where their action will lead, and they do not like these consequences, but they still do so to come to them. And in the end, they blame the other half.

Example: you know your partner is impatient and intolerant of lectures. But you talk and talk until he screams. And then you declare that your partner is constantly raising his voice and it is impossible to talk to him.

How to avoid: do not provoke the reactions that will be inevitable if you continue to do what you were doing.

Ignoring your partner's words

In a conflict, people are ready to listen for about 10 seconds - that's about three sentences. Then the majority disconnects or begins to prepare a counterattack.

Example: your loved one speaks excitedly about his grievances, interspersed with criticism of you. You get bored with this, and you decide to remind him that he himself is actually not perfect. The conflict escalates, and the sad monologue turns into a scandal.

How to avoid: let your partner finish, and then just repeat his words and ask again if you understood him correctly. This will sober up the person - there is a high probability that he will immediately give up the insults or too strong phrases that he spoke out of anger.

Biased choice of information

People tend to choose information that supports their point of view and ignore what contradicts it. Paradoxically, even if a person does not like the point of view, the brain will cling to it, because it is understandable and ordered.

Example: if your partner decides that you do not care enough about him, he will choose and remind you of those situations where it really happened. Other cases are "just once" and "don't count."

How to avoid: listing your good deeds will not help. It is better to let your loved one speak, and then promise to do everything to solve the problem.

What techniques will help avoid a scandal

Vocalizing your feelings, not your partner's actions

When a person is accused, he begins to defend or attack. And at such a moment, it is better to talk about how you felt. This is impossible to dispute. For example, instead of "you never listen to me," say "I think my words are unimportant and it upsets me."

Transforming criticism into a request

Criticism is, in fact, a hidden request or desire to get what you lack. Therefore, it is worth trying to express the same idea, but without accusations and reproaches. For example, "you never wash the dishes" easily turns into "please help me with the dishes more often."

Rejection of the words "always" and "never"

Such generalizations can only lead to the fact that the partner wants to refute them with an example, when it was not so, even if it is once in a million. And in general, such categoricalness is rarely true.

Looking at yourself in the mirror at the beginning of the skirmish

You won't like what you see. Another option is to take a selfie. You are unlikely to want to share it on social media. But at the moment, the loved one sees you that way.

Taking a break during an argument

Changing the course of the usual quarrels is a lot of work on yourself. When you feel anger builds up and no technique comes to mind, just walk away. Better to leave and not say anything that hurts your loved one. And be sure to come back when self-control is restored again.