Why do we suffer for our ex and how to stop it

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Parting with loved ones is always difficult, but sometimes a person's condition after a breakup turns into severe depression. Science explains this by the low content in the body of chemicals responsible for pleasure and good mood. There is also a positive point here: if feelings are chemistry, then the "right reaction" can change the emotional background and help to survive the separation.

Often after a person plunges into despondency, despair, becomes obsessed with a former partner. At the same time, he may even understand that the ex-lover does not suit him, that the relationship was far from ideal, but still he is not able to do anything with himself. There is no need to rush to accuse such a person of weak character. The reasons for this condition may be of a chemical nature.

Berit Brogaard, neuroscientist and co-author of The Breakup Cleanse, a breakup recovery program, explains that falling in love or affection can lead to imbalances in serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain.

When we are with a loved one, levels of the neurotransmitters responsible for happiness rise. We feel satisfaction, joy, calmness. When a partner pushes us away or we doubt reciprocity, the levels go down. We feel anxious, empty, tormented by impotence and obsessive thoughts.

Partners with unstable and unpredictable behavior or those with whom a relationship, to put it mildly, also contribute to the instability of chemicals.

Each happy meeting with such beloved becomes a real dopamine tsunami, the desire to feel which from time to time only intensifies. Moreover, the unstable attitude of a person, that is, the alternation of warm feelings with detachment, shakes our emotional swing so much that the brain begins to perceive this ebb and flow as true love.

It is very difficult to forget such people, but this is exactly what you should strive for. Berith Brogaard offers some tips to help you get over a breakup.

1. Get away from your ex

The more you interact with your ex, the more you fall for him. Therefore, all contacts must be reduced to zero. Here you can draw an analogy with smoking: a person cannot get rid of this habit by smoking several packs of cigarettes a day.

Thinking about your past when imagining your dependence on an ex-partner is a bad habit. Surely you have already got rid of some harmful addictions: you stopped biting your nails, eating too much at night, or drinking until you were unconscious. Now it's time to give up getting the chemical buzz from an inaccessible, immature, unpredictable, or just not suitable person for you.

2. Increase the level of neurotransmitters in a different way

Your ex is not the only source of joy in the world. There are natural supplements and supplements that increase the level of neurotransmitters responsible for pleasure and good mood.

Another option is to see a doctor for medications: antidepressants, tranquilizers. In the case of severe depression, self-medication is definitely not worth it.

3. Stop thinking about your ex

When we try hard not to think about something, this is what begins to occupy all our thoughts. Therefore, you cannot just say to yourself: "Stop thinking about him / her." You need to learn to take control of your mind.

Meditation and mindfulness training are helpful here. At the same time, you will be able to acquire useful skills - to better manage your own mind and the ability to relax.

Perhaps for people who are acutely experiencing a breakup, the idea that all their feelings are only the result of chemical leaps will seem superficial. Think of it differently: simplifying your own experiences can be a pain-relieving tactic.

In the end, even if love is more complicated than dry formulas, this does not mean that you need to redeem it with the same difficult, irresistible suffering.