Why we increasingly blame our parents for our troubles and what to do about it

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

No, this is not a tribute to fashion.

This article is part of the One-on-One Project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

It used to be considered something outrageous to make claims to mom and dad. As you can, parents are sacred! Now the situation has changed and they began to complain about them not only in their kitchens or in the therapist's office, but also in blogs, in interviews, in books. Some people think that this is just another trend. Allegedly, only infantile and ungrateful people do this, and this is catastrophically wrong. But everything is not so simple.

Why is everyone around them talking about their grudges against their parents?

We have more information

In the distant pre-Internet times, each person was locked in his micro-society: in the family, work collective, interest groups. It was considered indecent to talk openly about domestic problems: you can't wash dirty linen in public. Therefore, there was no way to find out how people live behind closed doors. So, to compare your life with someone else's - too.

If a person was mistreated by his parents, he in most cases grew up in full confidence that it simply cannot be otherwise.

Fortunately, this is not the case now. We have books on parenting and parent-child relationships. In them, you can read about what behavior is considered toxic and harmful to the child - and it is easy to recognize in these descriptions your own childhood. We have presentations from psychologists who talk about working with emotions, parental wrong tactics, and childhood trauma. We have blogs and communities on social networks where people share their experiences, talk about childhood and grievances against their parents.

A person finally has the opportunity to look into other people's windows and correlate his situation with others. This helps to recognize pathological relationships with parents and understand that many adult problems stem from this.

We have more freedom

It is difficult to imagine that before someone publicly told how his mother forced him to make music through tears, father beat him with a belt for deuces, and grandmother said: "You are nobody in this house and you have no vote." Either they would peck at, or they would be declared insane.

Now it is easier for a person to make such a confession. Many people abandon meaningless stereotypes like "You can't talk bad about your parents, they raised you!" We learn to accept our emotions and express them without harming others, rather than just blocking them.

As a result, people are increasingly talking about how they were treated as children. Looking at this, others realize that they also have something to say.

We have more room for thought

Millennials and zoomers have a somewhat simpler life than their parents. The younger generations did not have a chance to witness the collapse of the country, the nineties, wars and numerous economic crises. They did not have to work in several places in order to raise a child, or quit their jobs at research institutes, because they have not been given wages for four months, and go to taxi or sell vegetables in the market.

Living in relative stability creates conditions for reflection.

The older generation simply did not have the time and resources to stop, analyze their feelings and problems, and think about where they came from. Those who are now between 15 and 40 have these resources.

We have more support

People learn to communicate with each other without manipulation and coercion, not to devalue other people's feelings, to support loved ones. If among your own environment you can't find someone who will listen to you and understand you, there is a chance to find a support group in social networks. Or turn to a psychologist: such therapy finally ceases to be considered a whim or something shameful. And if there is support, it's much easier to allow yourself to be angry or upset.

What's good about being angry with your parents

We feel better

It is natural to be offended and angry. These are the same feelings, like everyone else, forbidding oneself to experience them is a direct path to mental disorders. Living our resentment and anger, we learn to accept ourselves and our emotions, give them free rein and improve our well-being in the long term.

We can be the best parents for our children

Resentment helps to prevent the mistakes that our moms and dads made. Especially if we are not just angry, but analyze the situation: what the parents did, why it was bad, what I felt at that moment, how it affects my life now, and what can I do to not behave this way with my children.

We're getting freer

Anger is a great helper for those who want to get out of parental pressure. With this emotion, it is easier to stop manipulation, learn to defend your boundaries or increase the distance if the relationship is completely toxic. This will help you become stronger, more confident, and happier.

We build relationships with parents

Yes, paradoxically. If there is tension in the relationship, it is open confrontation that can "cure" them. True, this will not happen immediately and the outcome is unpredictable in any case. At first, both sides will take a long time to tell each other what they think. Then tears, resentment and silence will begin. And then, perhaps, it will be possible to build a constructive dialogue, ask for forgiveness and establish new rules of communication.

Where resentment can lead

There is also a downside to resentment against parents. Sometimes a person is so conserved in his negative experiences that he simply runs in a circle between anger, resentment and self-pity, but cannot live them and move on. The fault of the person himself is not in this: emotions capture him, so it is impossible to cope with the problem without competent help.

In addition, there is always a temptation to simply blame the parents for all sins, transfer responsibility for all their problems to them and lay down their paws.

"How can I find a normal job if my mom crushed me with overprotection and now I'm not sure of myself?" Those without sugar in their relationship with their parents often go through this stage of bittersweet self-pity. And it is important in order to live it and in the end come to the conclusion: “Yes, the parents were wrong, and this is very sad. But the responsibility for everything that will happen in my life further lies only with me."

How to let go of resentment

This is what psychologists recommend.

1. Acknowledge your feelings

You have every right to experience anger, resentment, disappointment, sadness. And it doesn't matter how grievous your parents did: they forced you to come home no later than six, or they subjected you to emotional and physical abuse throughout your childhood. None of your reactions will be wrong or exaggerated. Remember that you are not making up or dramatizing. If you have feelings, they are natural.

2. Express your feelings

Think about the form in which you are more comfortable doing this. Keep a personal diary? To share with friends? Go to a psychotherapist?

When you decide to give vent to your worries, it will be easier for you to move on, and perhaps even find support. But remember, some people may not like public expression. If you are not ready for devaluation, inappropriate jokes and condemnation, it is better to choose a safer method.

3. Set boundaries in your relationship with your parents

Stop words and actions that you don't like, learn to say no, speak up, and distance yourself if communication hurts at this stage. This is a very large and difficult job that can take more than one month. In fact, a person learns to do what he should have mastered at a transitional age, but for various reasons he could not.

Psychologist Susan Forward, author of Toxic Parents, writes that learning to stand up for yourself and defend your boundaries is very important in order to decide to have a serious conversation with your parents and tell them everything that you have accumulated.

4. Get help

It may be difficult to cope with feelings and pain on your own. If this is the case, seek out a good therapist you feel comfortable with. It can help you understand yourself, deal with resentment and anger, and redefine your relationship with your parents.