What to do for parents who want to raise an independent child

Try to raise independent children, not happy ones

The child was asked to make a scientific project. The child hates science and projects. You, in fact, too. What will you do?

Set a deadline for your child, buy supplies, and place them on the table along with a plate of homemade cookies.
Ask your chemist next door to drop by for a moment and talk about the lean and inspiring composition of the periodic table.
Hide and pray for it to come through.

If love, responsibility and a desire to support your child push you towards the first or second option, congratulations, you are wrong. So says Jessica Lahey, teacher and author of The Gift of Error.

Jessica Lahey

What do I want: for my children to be serenely happy now, or so that they face difficulties, worry, but become smarter and more capable?

This is the subject of Jessica's bestseller. She works as a teacher in high school and recently realized that the parents of the students and herself are raising children wrong. Pupils are lost when faced with difficulties, they stop loving learning. Parents take bad grades to heart. In general, everything is bad.

Jessica couldn't find the root of the problem until she realized that we strive to raise happy children, instead of teaching them how to build happiness.

Lahey cites the work of Wendy S. Grolnick, a psychologist who conducted an experiment that filmed mothers playing with their children. Then Grolnik divided mothers into “controllers”, who did everything together with the children, and “supportive” ones, who allowed the little ones to play on their own. Then the children participating in the experiment had to complete the task on their own, without their mothers.

The results are very clear. Children, whose mothers loved to control, gave up at the first difficulties. And the children of mothers who encouraged independence - no.

Children of demanding and guiding parents cannot solve the problem without help. Children of parents who maintained independence were up to the task even when upset.

Jessica Lahey

Children who can focus on finding a solution even if the problem seems too difficult are less dependent on instructions and guidance. They concentrate themselves, organize work, study, and in the end live their own lives.

While the advice “let the kids fill their bumps” seems obvious, it’s difficult to accept. At meetings with readers, every time someone comes up to Jessica in tears, because a 16-year-old son cannot pack a bag for school, and an 18-year-old daughter cannot help but quarrel.

It seems to parents that there are still many years ahead for the education of the child. And then it turns out that the child is already 17, and he still does not know how.

So what should parents do when they want to raise their child from mistakes?

Don't rush to help

independent child: do not rush to the rescue

One morning, Jessica discovered that her son had forgotten his homework notebook on the table. She decided not to rush to school with her, although she was going that way anyway. Because one mistake will teach the son to be more attentive and organized.

We want to solve all children's problems, because "this is right."

Jessica Lahey

Jessica presented her decision for discussion on Facebook. Not everyone agreed with her: "If my husband forgot his mobile phone, would you take his phone to him?" one friend asked. “Yes,” Jessica replied. “But I’m not raising my husband.”

If she helped the child, she would become a good mother (in her opinion). But the son would not have learned any lesson. Education - leave the notebook on the table and let the child feel the unpleasant consequences of disorganization.

As a result, the teacher gave Jessica's son an additional task and some tips on how not to forget notebooks at home. And it helped him a lot.

Make your child feel responsible

Have you ever taken a doormat away from a child because his attempts to clean only made it dirtier?

Children can clean up and wash dishes without much encouragement or persuasion. But on the way to cleanliness and order, we will have to put up with a stained kitchen, laundry that is not sorted before washing, and other joys of child labor.

Children can do more than we expect from them.

Lahei gives the example of a schoolboy who struggled to pull out the program of a titled school for gifted children. His mother behaved like a mother hen, settled conflicts with teachers and constantly nailed the teenager to sit at his textbooks.

The alternative was an ordinary district school with all its "charms". As a result, mom got tired of it, and she showed her son how to study in a simple school. She presented him with a choice: she would no longer help him. If he does not want to work, he will transfer to another school.

The child was so impressed by the difference between the two educational institutions that he began to work hard. He himself approached the teachers for explanations, if he did not understand something, did all the homework. I didn’t become an excellent student, but that’s not the point.

Reward Effort, Not Outcome

We love to encourage children and tell them how wonderful they are. But children should be rewarded not for good grades, but for hard work. Otherwise, they will develop a fixed mindset in which any challenge is confusing. This type of thinking was described by Carol Dweck, a researcher at Stanford. She conducted an experiment.

The researchers gave two groups of fifth graders simple tests. The first group was told that they did everything right because they are smart. The second group was told that they did the job because they tried hard.

Then the children were given difficult tests that they could not cope with yet. It turned out that the "clever" girls did not like the tests, they did not want to solve them. And the "diligent" children decided that they needed to think again and try another time.

Then the researchers gave the children an easy task again. It was difficult for the “clever girls”, the results were worse than the first time (although the first and third tasks were the same in complexity). The results of the "diligent" ones were better than the first time.

The researchers then told the children that the same test would be done in another school and asked the students to write a message in which they would include their grades. “Clever girls” overestimated their marks in 40% of cases, “diligent” ones - in 10%.

If you show the children that it is possible to fall and rise, they will understand that an error in an assignment speaks only of a specific case, and not of a person as a whole.

Lahei sees every day what fixed thinking in the classroom leads to. Children who are praised for intelligence and grades do the bare minimum to be considered smart. They do not take on additional work and are afraid to make an assumption - what if it is wrong?

Therefore, the advice is this: praise the efforts, not the results. And tell the children how you yourself were wrong and stumped.

Praise children as grandchildren

Many people understand that it is useful for children to play sports on the street and play with friends. We want children to run in the fresh air, communicate with their peers, and have fun.

But as soon as the child begins to win, many parents turn into maniacs: they imagine themselves to be harsh coaches, give out instructions and yell across the entire area that the child should "give a pass to whom they say."

Bruce Brown and Rob Miller, two coaches, surveyed high school athletes. The coaches asked them to name their worst memory of a sporting event.

There is nothing worse than driving in the same car with your parents after a competition. Solid advice on how to do it, and no support.

Jessica Lahey invites you to imagine that you are not mom and dad, but grandparents before a sports competition. Because their support does not depend on achievements. Grandparents do not criticize the coach or the judge. Even in the event of a loss, they simply cheer up their grandchildren without a second thought about gold medals and the championship.

Understand and explain to your child that the teacher is a friend, not an enemy

Many problems can be prevented by talking to teachers. Easier said than done.

Have you heard of parents who demand a higher grade and think that their child has been tortured at school?

The teacher is rushing between two fires: parents want children to be taught and taught everything properly, but they think that learning is too hard, children cannot withstand the stress.

Jessica Lahey suggests improving parent-student relationships. Some of the suggestions are trivial: be polite and friendly, respectful of school and education. Sadly, even this is not always respected.

Here are other suggestions:

Go to deal with the teacher not immediately after a bad grade, but every other day.
Tell the teacher about serious events in the child's life.
Give your child a voice in the conversation with the teacher. Play out dialogues with teachers at home.

Most importantly, let your kids be wrong. This will lead them to success.