Separation: how to separate from your parents

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Low self-esteem, an inability to take responsibility for one's life, and a constant need for approval may indicate that a person is heavily emotionally dependent on their parents. Life hacker gives advice on how to cut this Gordian knot and start living a truly adult life.

It is not that we are adults that is scary, but that adults are, in fact, we.

Linor Goralik

Separation is one of the most important stages of personality formation, which is expressed in the emotional and physical (as well as financial) separation of the child from the parents.

The active phase of this process starts in adolescence, when a person questions parental values and attitudes. Ideally, by the age of 18–20, he should begin to lead an independent life. If the metaphorical umbilical cord is not cut, then a number of psychological problems can arise:

• lack of a sense of one's own "I";
• lack of control over your life;
• low self-esteem;
• acting out the role of the victim;
• the need for someone else's approval and a lot of unpleasant consequences.

Physical separation, that is, living separately from parents, does not yet indicate complete separation. A person can live even on another continent, but continue to need parental approval.

Feigned emotional coldness towards parents is also not a signal of separation. By demonstrating his own indifference, a person may try to attract the attention of parents, which he so lacked in childhood and continues to lack in adulthood.

True separation involves transforming parent-child relationships and abandoning old roles in favor of more equal and mature ones.

To get past this important stage, you need to take two major steps.

1. Rethink the nature of parenting

1. Recognize that you are different from your parents. Try to define who you are without looking at other people's opinions and approval. You can make a list of things to do and enjoy, start a new hobby, or learn a new skill. Look for what interests you in the first place.

2. Realize that your parents are the result of their own growing up and life experiences. This will help you complete the next step.

3. Accept that your parents are not perfect. Like you. Adulthood implies a rejection of the romantic ideals of childhood. There are no positive and negative characters in it - only ordinary people with their mistakes, problems and mood swings.

4. Take responsibility for who you are today. To do this, you will have to become aware of your childhood experiences, accept them, and only then move on.

5. Understand the fact that as an adult you are entitled to your own choices and opinions. Even if they turn out to be wrong. Otherwise, it is simply impossible to gain life experience.

6. Understand that you can now influence your relationship with your parents. After all, even if you are still their child, you are no longer a child.

2. Don't make old mistakes

1. Stop trying to change your parents. Instead, consider how you can change your behavior so that your relationship with them becomes better.

2. Set boundaries for parents. Only you decide what is acceptable and what is not, in relation to you and your life. But do not forget to inform your family about this.

3. Avoid old, unpleasant topics that will never reach agreement. It's just counterproductive.

4. If a conflict looms or your personal boundaries cross, gently remind your parents that you are an adult and have the right to make your own decisions. Even erroneous.

5. Find common things in which you can participate on an equal footing with your parents.

6. When problems arise between you and your parents, treat them as external to both parties. Do not take them too personally, do not try to win the battle at any cost and prove your case. This is childishness.

7. Even if you have a tense relationship with your parents, try to stay in touch with them. Communicate at least via email or voicemail. A demonstrative boycott does not solve problems.

8. Don't expect your mom or dad to do something for you. For example, babysitting your own children or giving money for large purchases. This is part of the old-fashioned parent-child relationship.

9. Refrain from parenting advice. At the very least, don't ask them every day and for any minor reason.

10. Remember all the good things that your parents have done and continue to do for you. Thank them for that.

In some cases, these tips may not be effective. For example, if you are dealing with “toxic” parents whose behavior is destructive and unchangeable. If the pain of communicating with them is higher than any benefit you get from him, it is better to stop this communication.

No relationship in life is worth your well-being.