What to do if your parents love your brother or sister more

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

If you have grown up, but are still jealous, you need to sort out the relationship first of all with yourself.

In the text, instead of “brother or sister”, “sibling” is sometimes used, which may cause discontent among the advocates of the purity of the Russian language. But there is such a word, although it is used mainly as a term in various sciences. In addition, if you write “brother or sister” instead of the laconic “sibling” each time, the text will be much more difficult to read.

Consider if your claims are fair

The imperfection of the statement “parents love the sibling more than me” is that it is difficult to verify. There is no measuring device with which one could find out the exact indicators and compare them. “I feel that I get less parental love than my brother or sister,” - that would be more correct to define the problem.

Your anxiety is definitely a reason to understand the situation and find a way out of it. But maybe it's not how much your parents love you. It's just that they are not showing attention in the way you would like. And here we come to the second weak point: love is a very abstract word.

Pyotr Galigabarov Psychologist, member of the Association for Cognitive-Behavioral Psychotherapy.

People put different meanings into the concept of "love". For example, they love if they give gifts, although they do not spend time, or when they insult and beat them, or regret it during troubles, or accept them unconditionally, as they are.

Every relationship is different. Siblings are also different, even twins. Therefore, it is difficult for parents - including the fairest ones - to treat everyone equally. There is little sense in such an egalitarianism, because the needs of the children do not coincide. For example, some of the children require more attention due to some peculiarities - perhaps they are sick more often. Therefore, adults may believe that everyone needs their own approach and behave accordingly.

At the same time, you can understand love in one way, each parent in a different way, siblings in a third way. Let's say this is encouragement and praise for you, material gifts for dad, constant contact for mom, and hugs for a brother or sister.

And now it seems to you that the parents love the sibling more, because they praise him a little more often. But mom calls you every day and finds out how you are, and dad periodically throws up money. From the point of view of the parents, everything is in order: they show love as they understand it. Paradoxically, in this situation, the sibling may also believe that your parents love you more, because everyone wants different things.

In general, love is complex and difficult to measure. Pyotr Galigabarov advises to answer the following questions:

• What is love for you? How does it manifest itself?
• How do you want your parents to show it?
• How do you think mom and dad shouldn't express it?
• What can you do to make your parents understand what you expect them to do?

The answers will, of course, say more about you than mom and dad and the power of their love. But these reflections can definitely come in handy.

Don't transfer your feelings to your brother or sister

If the competition between children does not go away over the years, they may distance themselves and stop communicating. This is because it is obvious to the one suffering from dislike: the source of all problems is another child.

But even if the parents really love the sibling more. A brother or sister did not choose whether to be born or not, to be a favorite or not. All this is the responsibility of the parents. Therefore, even if it is difficult to cope with resentment against mom and dad, you do not need to transfer anger to the sibling. Especially if jealousy is the only reason you are fighting or not communicating.

Accept that parents are only human

In most cases, moms and dads love their children as best they can. Parenting is not taught. So adults were literally forced to walk on the instruments, maneuvering between how they were raised, advice from all sides and the books of Dr. Benjamin Spock. And all this against the backdrop of difficult times - because in Russia it is never easy.

If they could calibrate their love for children, they probably would. But they have already done everything they could, even if the result was not the best.

Talk to your parents

If by all means want to clarify the situation, it is easier not to think it out, but to discuss everything with the other side. To make the conversation stick, consider a few nuances.

Choose a convenient moment

There is no need to dump claims during an argument or when the parents are in a stressful situation. Think about them too: information that a child did not feel their love enough can be devastating. Therefore, the conversation should take place at the most suitable time and in a calm atmosphere.

Keep calm

Your goal is not to swear and not to express what has accumulated, but to gently find out what the other side thinks. Therefore, it is necessary to remain calm. Parents after your words may be upset. Or start defending yourself, including aggressively. There will be nothing constructive in such a conversation.

If you feel that the atmosphere is heating up, take a break. It doesn't matter who is boiling - you or your parents, say: “Let's take a break. We all have a lot to think about, so let's get back to the conversation a little later. And, of course, do not forget to discuss everything anew, otherwise there will be even more questions than answers.

Write what you will say

It is important to formulate exactly what you say. This will help you describe your feelings clearly and consistently, but at the same time carefully describe your feelings. And at the same time avoid emotional outbursts, because you have a script. When thinking about your speech, use the answers to the questions we discussed earlier.

Talk about your feelings

Compare “you didn’t love me” and “it often seems to me that you love your brother more.” The first formulation is not the best one. She forces you to defend yourself and speaks about the feelings of another person, in which you cannot be sure. The second phrase does not blame the parents, but indicates the problem: somewhere you did not dock in your love.

Let your parents be honest

When asking questions, you need to be ready for answers. Most likely, you will hear that you are very loved and that your parents are sorry if you did not always feel it. But it may be different. For example: “I love you, but Vasya was always closer to me. He's just like me, and it's easier for us to find a common language. It will be offensive, but true. Well, parents of children don't choose either. But in any case, they loved you, they tried for you, this is already a lot.

Discuss how you can remedy the situation

If in the process of communication it turns out that you simply understood love differently, you can agree on what to do so that everyone is happy. For example, your mother continues to call you often, and you count this as a manifestation of her love. But at the same time, she tries to encourage and praise you more often in accordance with your needs.

Realize that you are okay

Even if it didn't seem to you that your parents are more supportive of siblings, you are not to blame for this. Nor is he responsible for becoming a favorite. You can argue as much as you like how the circumstances would have developed if you were faster, taller, stronger, smarter and bluer-eyed. But love is not something that can be earned. So self-flagellation is of no help here.

Take responsibility for your life

Feeling like your parents didn't love you enough can make you feel sad or angry. If it bothers you a lot, it would be good to contact a psychologist with the problem.

By the way, they often joke about these specialists that you pay for the appointment so that later, with a clear conscience, blame your parents that your life did not work out. So, there is no truth in this joke. Sometimes it's really helpful to dig deeper into childhood to understand why you are now and respond to life's challenges in this way and not otherwise. But it’s too late to blame the parents on the responsibility for their adult life. We'll have to figure it out without them.

Denis Zherebyatyev Psychologist, specialist in cognitive-behavioral therapy.

We have to ask the question: why do I even care who my parents love more? Upon closer examination, it becomes obvious that such resentments revolve around the fear of responsibility for oneself and one's life. We are afraid to make independent decisions and be responsible for them. Plus this is a misunderstanding of one's own emotions and an inability to cope with them. And without these skills there can be no inner supports. We will remain, though adults, but still children, eagerly begging for such love. And then the support and approval of parents will continue to remain for us an indicator of our own safety in this difficult, unpredictable and dangerous world.

So it is worth realizing that it is you who determine what is happening to you now and are responsible for your life. How to do it - read in a special material by Lifehacker.