17 questions to answer before marriage

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Psychologist Andrea Bonaire invites each couple to discuss these things before stamping their passport.

As a psychologist and columnist for advice, I have met many people who are unhappy in their marriage. In some cases, crises led to problems: the loss of loved ones, difficulties in raising children, unexpected illnesses or financial failures. But in others, difficulties initially manifested themselves in the form of daily conflicts due to incompatibility.

If you are planning to connect life with another person, or even just start living together, you need to deal with the controversial issues below. None of them should be considered a reason to break up, because love can be the motivation for working on a relationship. But if you spot problems ahead of time, you can save your union.

1. What differences do you like now and may become annoying in five years?

The irony of romantic love is that at first in a partner they can attract traits that are opposite to your own. Its spontaneity seems exciting because you are used to living according to a plan. Her tendency to rest when mildly unwell looks great because you push yourself to work even with the flu.

Other habits related to biorhythms, career or hobbies attract with their exoticism and novelty. But your own may eventually prevail. And then what once fascinated will begin to annoy.

2. How do you deal with stress together and separately?

What does your partner do when they get stuck in traffic? How does he behave if he hasn't got enough sleep? What if his parents have sudden health problems?

At the beginning of a relationship, both of you try to behave in an exemplary manner. But this makes it difficult to understand how each of you responds to pressure. And over the years of living together, there will be a lot of him.

It's even more important to understand how the two of you react to stress. Are you retreating and isolating or dealing with it as a team?

3. How does your partner feel about drugs, alcohol and gambling?

Of course, addiction to drugs and gambling can occur suddenly. But more often than not, a potential addiction can be foreseen - you are simply afraid or do not want to notice it. Or, while you're young, endless partying seems like the norm. When you have children, an alliance with an incorrigible party-goer won't seem like such a good idea anymore.

Take a closer look at your partner now. The sooner you notice potential problems, the more likely they are to be successfully resolved.

4. How do you get along in everyday life?

Imagine that next to you is not a loved one, but just a roommate. How well do you get along? Do you match the choice of a comfortable temperature and sleep mode? How do you deal with cleaning, cooking, home improvement, pets and guests? Who keeps the bills and who calls the plumber if the toilet breaks down? Though prosaic, these are very important questions.

5. What do you think of children?

It is clear that before you go to the registry office, you need to find out whether you both want children or not. However, it is important to discuss the details.

Let's say each of you vaguely imagines that you are the parent of two children. But what if the other one absolutely wants to have one child? What if you face infertility? Will you keep trying to get pregnant or will you take the baby out of the shelter? You need to dig deeper and study all the nuances.

6. How much and often do you discuss relationships with others?

At the beginning of a novel, it is normal to share experiences with friends and family. Marriage changes everything. Therefore, it is important to understand whether it would be considered cheating if the wife talks about sexual problems to her friend. Or if the husband asks the mother for family advice.

There are no correct answers to these questions. But the more yours match, the easier it will be for the two of you.

7. How do you react to conflict?

Explore your couple's conflict styles. Perhaps someone always apologizes first? Maybe the other argues all the time? Or does one need to shout and swear, and the other just to be in silence and cool down? Think about how you can improve the situation.

Healthy relationships involve honest and respectful communication, without play, passive aggressiveness, personal confusion and violence.

8. How do you feel about each other's relatives?

You do not have to admire the family of the chosen one. But you need to make sure that he is happy with your relationship with his family.

It's also worth figuring out what to do if your partner can't stand their parents and you like them. Or if he wants to go on vacation with his relatives and you don’t. What role will they play in the upbringing of your future children? What if they need help or money? Or, on the contrary, will they start giving money to you?

Often, even during the preparation for the wedding, the first family squabbles arise. Use them as an opportunity to practice in a relationship.

9. Do you expect something to change?

I have heard so often from those whose marriages are falling apart: “She was always selfish, but I thought that everything would change when there were children” or “He was never a responsible person with money. But I thought that one day we will have a house and it will grow."

Do you think that your partner will magically become a different person after a stamp in your passport, with the appearance of children, pets, a mortgage, a serious job, or just over time? Think again.

Perhaps it will be so, but the desire should come from him, not from you. If you do decide to tie the knot, accept the chosen one for who he is.

10. How do you feel about money?

The more your financial views differ, the more tense the relationship will be. It is also important here how big an apartment each of you wants to buy, how much he plans to save, how much he is ready to lend to friends or relatives, and tip the courier.

The more honestly you discuss these issues, the stronger the foundation of your union will be.

11. How much free time do you both need?

Everyone has a different need for loneliness and socializing with friends. If the couple has understanding and respect, then these differences can be overcome. But if one night hangs out with friends, the other is sad at home, and both do not discuss the situation, too many grievances will accumulate.

12. What do you think about work?

A layoff, career change, or other work-related moment affects the family. So it's worth answering the following questions. Is there a person in a couple whose work is more significant: for salary, prestige, employment, or simply because of attachment to it? What happens if he loses it? Do you think that someone will make money and someone will take care of the children? What happens if one of you gets a promotion, decides to continue training or change profession?

Of course, you can't calculate everything in advance. But the more your ideas coincide, the easier it will be to deal with difficulties in the future.

13. What level of intimacy with others is acceptable for you?

Flirting style, emotional closeness with colleagues, relationships with friends - in all these parameters people differ. Of course, even a shy woman without male friends can be happy next to a Don Juan flirting with every waitress. But only if both accept each other's behavior.

Think about it if your partner sends emojis to a colleague while you are in bed together? Would it hurt if he met his ex / ex without warning you?

Each pair must define boundaries. If you pretend that everything is in order, then it only increases the feeling of betrayal.

14. What is your attitude towards religion?

It may seem that religion does not strongly affect everyday life. But nuances are also important. How will you celebrate the holidays? Do you intend to visit temples or holy places with children? What happens if one of you becomes more or less religious?

15. Where do you plan to live?

Most people have an idea where they want to settle down. Perhaps in the current city, perhaps in the city of childhood or where the parents live. And there is nothing wrong if one adapts to the other. But when one has a clear idea of the place of residence, and the second does not want to make a final decision or even changes his mind, expect a disaster.

16. How do you feel about physical attractiveness?

I have seen many couples who have a hard time changing their appearance. This includes everything: hygiene, weight, fit, clothing, hairstyle, age-related deformities.

Ideally, before marriage, you have already seen each other in the most unattractive way. But what if your appearance or your spouse's appearance changes dramatically after? How should you talk about these changes? And how much change in style should depend on the opinion of the other?

17. Are you happy with everything about sex?

Some couples only enter into intimate relationships after the wedding. Even so, it is important to understand what role sex will play in living together.

For most, sexual patterns take root earlier. So there are many questions to be answered. For example, what happens if the passion dies down? How do you both feel about pornography? Do your sexual appetites differ? Who usually initiates sex and are you comfortable with it? Is one of your partners using intimacy as a form of power?

Often, sex is so good at the beginning of a relationship that it masks other problems. But if he himself becomes a problem, it is extremely important to talk about it.