5 subtle signs of emotional abuse

1. You are doing good

The person helps you, even if you did not ask for it, persistently distributes advice that you did not want. He undertakes to solve your problems, attracts acquaintances of lawyers, doctors and auto mechanics, looks for a job for you, woo his relatives and friends, and so on. And he does all this very decisively, without consulting you and without asking if you really need his participation.

Also, such a "benefactor" can give you expensive gifts, buy valuable things. At the same time, he focuses only on his sense of beauty, and not on your preferences - and more often than not, he does not guess with the choice. As a result, you cannot refuse the presentation and the thing is idle.

Such gestures look very broad, and it is quite difficult to suspect violence or manipulation in them. But behind the desire by all means to solve your problems and to benefit you often lurks a desire for control.

The person has certain expectations about how you should live, and with the help of gifts and "support" he tries to reshape you according to these expectations.

And it also happens that the "benefactor", consciously or not, seeks to bind you to himself. After the help has been provided, you begin to feel that you owe him, and it will be inconvenient to refuse to communicate with him or to fulfill some request.

So unsolicited help in any form is a violation of boundaries. If you are persistently trying to do "good" that you do not need, thank the person and politely but firmly refuse. And when you yourself really want to help someone, ask first how appropriate it is.

2. Your desires are not taken seriously

They explain to you very gently and delicately that what you want, you really do not need at all - but you need something completely different. And they make it clear in every possible way that you are an unreasonable creature and you yourself do not really understand how you should live - not like your partner, relative, colleagues or friends.

“Well, why would you move from your parents? They will always take care of you here, besides, the metro is nearby, it is convenient to commute to work, you don't have to pay someone else's uncle's rent”.
“You don’t need a second higher education, extra stress and waste. All the same, you will not work, it is much better and calmer at home, with children."

If we are talking about some fateful decisions, you will be persuaded for a long time, methodically and patiently, masterly play on your feelings, especially on feelings of guilt and various fears and anxieties. Until you give up and allow yourself to be convinced that your desires and needs are unreasonable, and your loved one knows better what you need.

In the most advanced cases, the victim of such manipulations completely loses his own opinion, merges with the abuser.

She agrees with him in everything and looks at the world through his eyes. This type of emotional abuse is called perspecticide.

Of course, it also happens that a loved one is not going to control you and break your will, but sincerely worries that you can make the wrong choice and get into trouble. But in such a situation, people speak openly, give weighty arguments, and the right to choose is still left to you, even if they do not agree with your decision.

3. You are highly praised

“You have great talent, you can achieve a lot. You just need to not be lazy and work hard."
"You will definitely win this competition, it cannot be otherwise."

At first glance, it sounds quite harmless. And for someone, maybe even motivating. But such statements set a very high bar for a person and make him suffer if something does not work out.

Instead of moving towards your own goals at a comfortable pace, you try to meet other people's expectations and are afraid to disappoint your partner, parent, or friend.

Therefore, if you want to praise someone, it is better to do without forecasts in the spirit of “With such intelligence, you should earn a lot of money” - and celebrate the successes that the person has already achieved. And if they persistently try to motivate you with the help of such compliments, then try to cut off the expectations and assumptions of other people and focus only on an objective assessment.

4. You are not allowed to show negative emotions

Nobody says "Don't you dare cry!" or "Smile immediately!" But if you are sad or angry, they try to console you very persistently. And prove that your problems are not worth such strong emotions.

"Why are you so overwhelmed by such trifles?"
"Do not worry! This has not happened to me yet, and nothing, everything worked out."

At first glance, this is just an attempt to cheer you up. But behind it, another motive is often hidden: a person cannot stand other people's negative emotions and wants to quickly "hush up" them. Maybe he empathizes with you and your pain hurts him. Or maybe he is just too lazy to bother with you and wants you to be comfortable and satisfied.

This approach is called toxic positivity, and it has a negative impact on mental health. It is important for a person to experience his negative emotions, and not drive them deeper.

5. Not talk to you about unpleasant topics

You are worried about something in the behavior of your partner or in your relationships and everyday life, and you want to talk about it. But a person in every possible way dodges conversations that may be unpleasant to him or require some action from him.

He changes the topic, laughs it off, suggests returning to the discussion later, or even pretends not to hear, and continues to go about his business.

This behavior is called withholding When your partner is emotionally withholding / Psych Central, or, more simply, avoidance, evasion. It can unsettle and offend in order. The person does not seem to refuse to discuss problems, but nothing good comes of it anyway. And this duality does not affect the climate in relations in the best way.

Withholding is difficult to resist. If a loved one does this all the time, you should tell him directly that it upsets you. And if this does not give results, contact a family psychologist. Or end the relationship: everyone deserves to have someone who hears them nearby.