10 subtle signs that you don't love yourself

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Beloved people are not tortured - they are taken care of.

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What is self-love

It is a pity that you cannot open some clever book or serious research and write out from there point by point what it means to "love yourself." But psychologists often compare this feeling with love for other people, especially children.

What do you do if you truly love someone? Accept this person for who they are. You see a lot of good in it, but you don't notice the bad, or you prefer not to focus on it. You say many pleasant words to him, and try to avoid unpleasant ones. You take care of him and strive to make him feel good.

The same can be said about self-love. It consists of several components:

• acceptance of oneself along with all the shortcomings;
• refusal of criticism and condemnation;
• sincere concern for your physical and mental well-being;
• careful handling of your feelings and mood;
• protection of personal boundaries;
• awareness and understanding of what you really need and what is imposed from the outside.

Self-love is not narcissism, not a caricatured obsession with oneself, but a normal healthy feeling. It helps to feel happy and adequately interact with other people and the world in general.

How to understand that you do not love yourself, even if you don't think so

1. You torment yourself with diets

The most common misconception about keeping yourself in shape is: "If you want to lose weight, just eat less." Some take this phrase literally and begin to cut back on their diet without understanding the reasons for being overweight. And sometimes there are no extra pounds - they exist only in the head of a person. But he starves himself to meet certain standards.

All this can lead to sad consequences. People start to eat lettuce and kefir, practice extreme diets and worry about too many calories in a cup of sugar-free coffee.

But the paradox is that fasting doesn't help you lose weight.

Diets, at best, end with a return to the original weight, and at worst - to a set of additional pounds. Because of them, metabolism slows down, muscle mass decreases, and eating disorders are formed. Regular malnutrition leads to decreased productivity and exacerbation of chronic diseases. All of this bears little resemblance to self-care.

It is better to eat tasty and balanced, not to force your body to starve and suffer. And if the weight began to cause discomfort, you should consult a doctor and first of all deal with the cause of the problem. It may not be in the diet at all.

2. You wear uncomfortable clothes and shoes

It's nice to dress in what you like. You immediately feel more confident. Therefore, some are ready to put up with the inconvenience: they wear tight dresses in which it is impossible to breathe, tight jeans that dig into the sides and stomach, or shoes that turn their feet into bloody stuffing.

But there is no point in mocking yourself to look a certain way. After all, it is quite possible to choose clothes and shoes that will be beautiful and comfortable at the same time. Do not tolerate pain or discomfort.

Clothes are made for man, not man for clothes.

3. You are doing dangerous beauty treatments

Going to a beautician, hairdresser or massage therapist is taking care of yourself. But there are exceptions. Some of the manipulations that the beauty industry offers are painful, dangerous and completely pointless. For example, anti-cellulite and modeling massages leave bruises on the body. Eyelash extensions can result in eye injury, swelling or inflammation. And plastic surgery is a serious complication, up to and including death.

More often than not, people do all this not because they love themselves, but because they do not accept them for who they are.

In pursuit of beauty and youth, for many, the boundaries between normal and pathological striving to change something in themselves begin to blur. There are undoubtedly objective reasons for plastic surgery. But, as practice shows, a large number of women, for subjective, internal reasons, do not accept their body.

In other words, it’s not a matter of the body, but of how it is perceived by the person himself. There is such a thing as dysmorphophobia. Its essence lies in anxiety and fear about how the body looks. It seems ugly or flawed. And the idea of defectiveness becomes obsessive: it must be corrected. Psychologists agree that the true cause of body dysmorphophobia is the projection of emotional and psychological problems onto one's appearance.

For example, low self-esteem will be the reason for looking for flaws, including in appearance. You fix one thing, and then something will surely appear that also needs to be corrected. Or another example. An unsatisfactory relationship with the opposite sex is perceived as a result of having an imperfect appearance. "If I fix my chest, enlarge my lips - and everything will be fine." Many women think so. But the long-awaited satisfaction from the procedures often does not happen. The deeper and more serious the inner conflict, the more vividly it will be expressed in experimenting with one's own appearance.

In essence, we are talking about selfharma - painful deliberate damage to one's body. We know what consequences often arise after operations and cosmetic procedures.

Unfortunately, it is an illusion that changing one's appearance significantly affects the quality of life. On the contrary, inner peace of mind and life satisfaction will help to accept both natural age-related changes and some physical disabilities.

Whenever you feel like doing something potentially dangerous, ask yourself why you need it. What is behind the dissatisfaction with your appearance in your case? Are you really ready to endure pain and health risks for the sake of big breasts or a face without expression lines? If your answer is yes, choose trusted professionals: saving on health is a bad idea.

4. You sacrifice sleep

If you regularly sleep less than 7 hours a day, and the time gained in this way is devoted to work, family or hobbies, then the savings, frankly, are dubious. For a couple of extra hours of wakefulness, you pay the price of memory impairment, weight gain, high blood pressure, diabetes and other unpleasant things. No job is worth it, and close people hardly wish you such a fate.

If this rest schedule is associated with insomnia, be sure to see your doctor. This could be a symptom of another, more serious medical condition.

5. You always help everyone

Situations vary, and sometimes someone might actually need your help. For example, a loved one is sick and asks you to go to the pharmacy. But such cases are rather an exception.

Most of the problems people can solve on their own, especially if they think well or pay specialists. But they don't, simply because they are lazy or don't want to waste their own resources.

In responding to all requests, you sacrifice your interests, time, energy and money. That is, put others first, not yourself. Sometimes the reason for this behavior lies in the fear of looking like a bad person and provoking a conflict, in the desire to earn sympathy and praise.

If you are systematically asked to work for free, give someone a ride, sit with other people's children, or answer questions that Google knows very well, think about how much this help will cost you. If it doesn't require much effort - why not. But if you have to sacrifice your interests, remember that you are the most important person for yourself, and refuse. If the word “no” is difficult for you, use these tips.

6. You talk nasty things about yourself

Your motivation, vision of the world and other people depends on how you talk about yourself. If you constantly call yourself a loser or a fool, insist that you will not succeed, then it will be more difficult to succeed in something.

This kind of internal dialogue spoils the mood and eats up a lot of energy. You will make yourself a huge gift if you learn to celebrate your accomplishments and be sympathetic to failure. Regular journaling and changing negative attitudes will help to do this.

7. You save on yourself

If you really only have enough money for food and utilities, pampering yourself is difficult. But if you have free funds, and you over and over again spend them on someone else, but at the same time walk in torn shoes or abandon your favorite business, something is clearly wrong here.

Do not deny yourself what you need. It's not just food or clothing. Hobbies and entertainment are also important for your psychological well-being.

8. You postpone the visit to the doctor

Endure pain or discomfort, suffer, risk complications. The reasons may vary. Sometimes it’s fear (yes, it’s really scary to go to a dentist or gynecologist), sometimes a lack of money, and sometimes a disregard for our own health: “It will pass by itself somehow”.

Do not do like this. See a doctor on time, because all other spheres of life depend on health.

By the way, all this applies not only to physical, but also to mental problems. It is perfectly normal to see a therapist if you feel bad. This is a manifestation of self-care, not weakness.

9. You don't spend time alone with yourself

Privacy is very important for mental health. But many deny themselves this: they consider such behavior selfish or do not know how to properly allocate time. And some people find it difficult to be alone with their thoughts. And this is a wake-up call.

Natalya Zholudeva Clinical psychologist, schema-therapist and REBT-therapist.

In moments of solitude, a false sense of unclaimedness may arise. I am alone now, so no one needs me? Nobody needs me now enough to be around! What's wrong with me? It means that I am not like that, uninteresting, wrong, unloved.

This feeling may have roots in childhood. How a person perceives solitude is greatly influenced by their relationships with significant adults, such as their mother. If a child finds himself in a situation where he suddenly loses contact with people who are important to him, he may have a fear of loneliness.

And this is not necessarily related to some kind of traumatic event. It's just that a small person usually does not know how to analyze the situation and realize that he was left temporarily and not through his fault, but due to circumstances. For example, they sent me to kindergarten very early, as my mother had to work. He experiences each such separation as a very painful breakup. In the future, such a person may avoid solitude, since for him it is synonymous with painful separation.

In the case of a very strong fear of loneliness, we can talk about autophobia, and this can be a very dangerous condition, which is accompanied by panic, anxiety and depression. Then the person needs the help of a psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

If your dislike of solitude is not a disorder, it is important to recognize and believe that loneliness is a normal and sometimes healing state. Try to track your installations. What scares me? What do I think of myself when I'm alone? What does this say about me? And what does this say about the world around me?

Behind your fears, it is very likely that you will discover hidden from awareness beliefs that you are worthless on your own, or that, once alone, you will be stuck in this state forever. Psychologist Albert Ellis called these beliefs irrational beliefs, and you can destroy their influence on us with the help of awareness. Meditation and mindfulness practice will help with this.

Take advantage of your privacy. This is the only way to hear yourself, understand and accept. And most importantly: a person who has learned to be alone with himself will always be interesting to those around him, since he began to know himself.

10. You don't know how to accept compliments

In our society, it is customary to deny in response to compliments: "What are you, there is no merit here, I was just lucky." Sometimes this is a manifestation of false modesty. But sometimes people who do not really love and value themselves sincerely consider the praise undeserved.

The reason lies in low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. And, unfortunately, not knowing how to accept compliments is the lesser of the consequences. It is difficult for a person with low self-esteem to achieve what they want, choose worthy partners and feel satisfaction from life. A psychologist or independent exercises will help fix this.