What positive qualities do people suppress and how to stop doing it

In addition to limiting beliefs and hidden obligations, our psyche resorts to another trick that gets in the way of seeing and setting boundaries. It makes us unconsciously renounce some of our qualities, suppressing them in ourselves to such an extent that we forget that we once possessed them. This again happens in very early childhood; suppressed qualities (they are sometimes called "suppressed" I ", or" shadow "I" ") were then considered undesirable, problematic, wrong, caused the disapproval of those who had power. To be accepted and loved, we had to supplant the “bad” qualities. By hiding them from ourselves, we unconsciously believe that we are protecting ourselves from rejection by others and loneliness.

The poet Robert Bly described these qualities as "a long bag that we carry with us." This bag contains all the components of our personality, which, as it seems to us, must be hidden from the world. “Until about twenty, we decide which parts of ourselves to put in the bag, and spend the rest of our lives trying to pull them out into the light,” writes Bly.

But why bring out these supposedly terrible qualities? Then, that if this is not done, they will manifest unconsciously. Yes, I again mean "unexpected" breakouts. In fact, nothing can be hidden and suppressed; everything suppressed comes out and bares its teeth at the most inopportune moment. We also sharply react to these qualities in those around us. Because we cannot manifest them when other people openly and shamelessly allow themselves to express these qualities, we react sensitively.

Rejected qualities are at the heart of the conversation about boundaries, because it is the fear of showing them that makes us please people and give too much. When we do not set a boundary, even though we know that it will benefit us, we do not do it because we are afraid to show "bad" qualities and become what "it is not good" to be. When a strong resistance arises and we really do not want to behave "badly", you can be sure that a rejected quality is hidden somewhere nearby.

The truth is that all human qualities and characteristics are present in us to one degree or another. We can be kind and cruel, smart and stupid, embody divine and demonic properties. And each of these properties brings some

benefit.

In infancy, we showed all these qualities and did not suppress anything in ourselves. They cried, and a minute later they were laughing. We possessed all the properties and characteristics of a multifaceted personality and expressed them without hesitation. But once they noticed that our parents do not like certain behavior. "Can't you sit still?" they said. "Don't make a noise!", "It's not good to be greedy!" In order not to lose parental love, we began to reject parts of ourselves: energy, noise, greed.

At school, this chorus of critics expanded to include educators, teachers, friends and society at large. Trying to comprehend the world, we continued to suppress more and more new parts of ourselves, rejecting and renouncing everything that was unacceptable. Now these repressed parts live in the shadows of our subconscious.

But there is good news: when you learn to be yourself and accept yourself in all integrity, you are freed from the desire to suppress any qualities in yourself. If you want to set a boundary that seems selfish to you, there are two ways. First, you can destroy the myth that setting boundaries is selfish. Second, you can accept your rejected quality - healthy selfishness - and stop resisting it.

Remember, I said that selfishness is not at all such a bad quality as we are taught from childhood? If you think that taking care of yourself is selfish, perhaps your doctor himself ordered you to add a little healthy selfishness to your life to correct the imbalance. This does not mean that you will become a complete selfish person.

Here's another example: one of my main rejected qualities is laziness. I grew up firmly believing that I needed to be super productive to be safe, and I tried never to be lazy. As a result, I acquired an excellent pupil's complex. And how it annoyed me when my ex-husband and my ex-partner Aaron were lazy! More precisely, it seemed to me earlier that they were lazy, now I understand that it is called differently.

This is what happens when you try to reject a part of yourself: the rejected quality is projected into the world and manifests itself in other people, who show it to us as in a mirror. Thus, our psyche shows us a red flag, a kind of bright neon indicator: "This is where you need to look for the qualities that you have rejected in yourself!" When we see and despise these qualities in others, we begin to realize what we lack, what parts of ourselves need to be returned, integrated into our personality and healed.

Fortunately, when I met Aaron, I was able to understand that what I thought was laziness was actually the ability to relax and have fun. When we met, I was in desperate need of relaxation, but it seemed to me that fun was not for me, it’s something that other people do, but not me. I absolutely did not know how to enjoy life and relax. For the past few years, I've been learning from Aaron's example. I discovered an "inner sloth" in me. In the process, I became much more tolerant of Aaron's relaxed nature and realized that I, too, sometimes enjoy spending the day doing nothing.

Are you scared already? Take it easy. Revealing shadow qualities does not mean at all that we will become the worst, extreme manifestation of these qualities (and this is what many are afraid of). Black and white perception makes us judge others. I have learned to relax, but that does not mean that I have become a bum who lays on the couch all day. I just stopped compensating for my fear of rest by stopping working around the clock. I accepted my laziness and gradually began to learn to slow down, not to overwork myself, to relax more. Laziness has its advantages too.

When someone exhibits our rejected quality, their behavior serves as an emotional trigger for us. The trigger indicates that we need to dig deeper and understand if we are suppressing the quality in ourselves that the other person is showing openly. Laziness is a powerful trigger for me, and sometimes I have to remind myself that I only judge lazy people because they are my shadow self.

But let me be clear: accepting our rejected qualities does not mean that we accept or approve of such behavior in those around us. After all, all human qualities can manifest themselves to varying degrees. For example, I would never want to become overly selfish or lazy and would not put up with these qualities in a partner. We do not do our inner work to go to the other extreme. Our goal is to stop suppressing the rejected quality so that the fear of doing “wrong” does not prevent us from setting boundaries.

If you are having trouble setting boundaries, consider whether you are rejecting the following qualities in yourself:

selfishness and protection of their personal interests;
anger and anger;
cruelty, meanness;
irresponsibility;
greed, stinginess;
the role of the taker, not the giver.

Keep in mind that rejected qualities can be not only negative, but also positive. So, we can suppress self-confidence in ourselves, believing that we need to be more modest. Suppress the intellect, so as not to be branded as "asshole." We can reject sexuality, afraid to appear promiscuous, hide our talents so that others do not think that we are "showing off."

If you want to find out what positive qualities you suppress in yourself, think about which people make you admire and want to be equal to them. If you admire courageous people, then there is courage in you, it just hides for now. You do not manifest it because it was not safe in the past.

Debbie Ford called the return of rejected positive qualities "the return of the light." “In order for the light in a person to shine with renewed strength, it is necessary to recognize that all the qualities are present in us, that we are multifaceted. Everything is enough for us to realize our deepest desires”. When we accept our positive qualities and acknowledge our giftedness, the ability to love ourselves increases and it becomes easier for us to set the necessary boundaries.

All the positive and negative qualities that you reject are in you, but they are in the shadows. You must become aware of what you are rejecting and repressing in order to learn to appreciate these qualities and accept them as part of yourself. Perhaps the conscious integration of the personality and the return of rejected qualities to oneself is exactly what is needed to finally establish important boundaries.

The exercise. Revealing neglected qualities

In this exercise, we will try to understand which rejected qualities can prevent you from setting boundaries. In the first part, we will look at negative qualities. In the second part, we will do a meditation that will help bring to light the positive rejected qualities.

Write down your answers in a diary or electronic device.

Part 1. Negative rejected qualities

Imagine three people who annoy you and cause you extreme antipathy. What don't you like about them? What exactly is annoying? Make a list of the qualities that are associated with each of them.
Can you remember situations in your life when you demonstrated these qualities? Perhaps they had other manifestations, less pronounced, but, most likely, they nevertheless appeared to one degree or another.
Ask yourself what kind of effort you are making so that others will never think you are "like that." How do you suppress these qualities in yourself, what do you do so that they never come out? For example, if you have suppressed selfishness, you can go to the other extreme and get stuck in the giver position.
Choose the most pressing boundary you want to set, or the one you are most afraid to set. Do you judge yourself for wanting to establish this boundary? What are you afraid of hearing from others if you decide to establish this boundary? Will you be considered vile or irresponsible? Will they say that you are an egoist, just take and give nothing? Review your responses to this exercise and write down any negative rejected qualities that you will display if you set the most frightening boundary.
Now write down the positive aspects of each of the rejected qualities. For example, if we are talking about selfishness, the positive aspect of this quality is that you know how to stand up for yourself, demand your share and take care of yourself. If we are talking about irresponsibility, the positive aspect is spontaneity and the ability to have fun. When it comes to laziness, the positive aspect is the ability to relax.
Finally, figure out what you can do this week to integrate these positive aspects into your life. For example, if the rejected quality is selfishness, figure out how to act selfishly. It could be something simple: for example, you set aside one hour and spend it however you want, without letting anyone interrupt you.

Part 2. Positive rejected qualities

Now let's turn our attention to the positive rejected qualities. In this half of the exercise, we will do a short meditation. Prepare for meditation: Turn off your phones so they don't distract you from the process. Wear loose-fitting clothing and sit in a comfortable position on a chair or sofa. You can put on quiet music or light candles. You can also pre-record the process of meditation on a dictaphone so that you do not have to open your eyes and read, as this will interfere with the meditative state. When reading the meditation on the recorder, skip the italicized text.

Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths in and out. Relax your whole body, starting at the feet. Gradually move your attention upward and relax your legs, hips, abdomen, chest, back, arms, neck and head until you feel the whole body relaxed. Don't overdo it. Just ask the body to relax. During meditation

you will achieve even deeper relaxation.
Imagine that someone (your acquaintance or an imaginary person) is setting the boundary that you most dream of setting. It is very easy for this person to establish this boundary. Observe how he does this and ask yourself: What qualities make it easy for him to set a boundary? Courage? Deep self-esteem? Strength and self-confidence?
Remember a situation from the past when you also displayed this positive quality. Imagine yourself at this time. What were you doing? How did you feel?
Try to remember exactly when you decided it was no longer safe to express this quality. What happened? What made you reject him?
Which of your relatives and friends is now demonstrating this quality without shame and embarrassment? These people are your outer projection. They make you admire
Confirm that you are ready to regain this quality for yourself so that it becomes easier for you to install

borders.
What belief must be discarded in order to integrate the rejected quality

into your personality and begin to manifest it?
Imagine giving up this belief and accepting the rejected quality. Imagine yourself setting the boundary as easily as the person you visualized in step 2. How do you feel, imagining that you have this quality and setting the boundary that you have long wanted to set?
Think about what you can do this week to integrate a positive quality into your life. If it is courage, what courageous thing can you do? Do something each week that requires you to be more courageous, and gradually develop the ability to integrate and manifest this quality in life.

The book about self-acceptance "Your Boundaries"

Levin's book will teach you to put your desires first and build personal boundaries. The writer uses examples to analyze in detail how to act in various situations, and gives practical advice.