5 myths about grief that prevent you from recovering from loss

Foreboding grief … It occurs before the loss occurs. For example, when an incurable disease is found in a person or his loved one.
Normal (uncomplicated) grief … It includes all of the natural feelings and reactions associated with loss.
Lingering grief … In this case, the person experiences a very acute reaction for a long time - the same as immediately after the painful event. Sometimes it lasts for several years.
Delayed grief … It is characterized by suppression of normal responses to loss. They usually appear later.

In any case, loss or injury causes painful experiences that unsettle and temporarily deprive life of meaning. In order not to get stuck in them, it is worth giving up the following five myths.

1. You can grieve only because of the death of a loved one

In fact, any loss can cause grief. For example, the loss of the opportunity to celebrate the long-awaited graduation from school due to the coronavirus pandemic. The loss of the relationship and the future that you envisioned with your partner. Death of an acquaintance or a public figure, even the tragic death of a stranger. All of this can cause grief.

But we are used to thinking that we should not grieve over such reasons. That there are people who are much harder than us, which means that we just need to "pull ourselves together." This denial of emotion does not lead to anything good.

Remind yourself that whatever feelings you have have a right to exist.

The fact that you are somehow happier than others does not devalue your current experiences. Be kind to yourself and accept your feelings. Until you acknowledge that you are going through a difficult time, it will be more difficult for you to move towards healing.

2. If I returned to my usual life early, it means that I do not care

If you occasionally enjoy the little things or enjoy your usual activities, this does not mean that what you lost did not matter much to you. Such moments are completely natural and do not detract from your grief. However, this myth is so ingrained that when a person shows few outward signs of grief, he is considered wrong.

This is actually one of the subtypes of complicated grief, and there is nothing abnormal about it. Moreover, it can even be perceived as a sign of psychological stability.

The loss has a profound effect on the psyche, and the fact that you have the strength to deal with everyday problems is a reason for pride.

If you are experiencing the loss of a loved one, think about this: this person would surely enjoy the good with you and be proud of your resilience. You don't have to cling to pain to prove how important what you lost was to you.

However, there are times when returning too quickly to your normal life is a sign of emotional stupor. In such a state, a person does not feel anything. This psychological mechanism helps to cope with a severe shock. But most often, emotions suppressed with its help are still manifested, only with a delay.

3. If I grieve for too long, something is wrong with me

There is no “right” way to grieve. Although studies show that grief lasts an average of 7 to 12 months, grief does not have a well-defined schedule. Do not blame yourself if the period of acute feelings ended quickly for you, or if you experience pain even several years later.

Lingering grief can be considered a problem if it significantly compromises quality of life or mental well-being. In this case, it is worth contacting a psychotherapist, he will help you deal with what you are experiencing.

4. You need to wait for catharsis, and only then try to let go of your grief

It seems that we must certainly suffer in order to come to some secret conclusion. That only this will allow you to come to terms with the situation and move on. And that this is possible only if you focus on your suffering and spend all your days in tears. At least this is the impression one gets after films and TV series. In fact, this is not always the case.

Life will take its course, and gradually you will adjust to live with your loss. But conclusions and full awareness of the situation can come only a few years later, when you gain new experience. There is no point in forcing yourself to spend all this time in suffering.

Don't cling to your pain just because it symbolizes love to you.

Of course, you shouldn't ignore your feelings. Try writing down your experiences in a journal to help you understand them better. And let yourself cry when you feel the need. But don't think that grief has to completely take over your life so that you can experience relief.

5. Grief has an end

You've probably heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. This model gives hope that as we move from one stage to the next, we will come to healing. But grief is a much more convoluted process, and there is no universal map to guide you through it. Instead of stepping from step to step, in fact, we constantly return from one emotion to another.

Grief is a cyclical process that essentially never ends.

Over time, we begin to better recognize and control our reactions to it. We may even feel like we’ve come to terms with the loss, but the next day something starts the cycle again, such as a birthday or a disturbed memory.

But don't be discouraged. It will be easier to deal with each time. Understanding that grief is not linear but cyclical can even help. Because from that point of view, you don't have to finish one chapter of your life before starting another. You don't need to close yourself off from anything new until you are healed. Try to combine these two processes, and, perhaps, recovery will be easier.