What is the danger of overprotection and how to stop harming a child with mental disabilities

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Hyper-care interferes with the normal development of even perfectly healthy children. And if a child suffers from a mental illness, it actually turns him into a disabled person.

Volodya is 16 years old. His height is one meter ninety. He is finishing ninth grade. Mom wipes his nose with a handkerchief, but he doesn't react to it. Then it turns out that Volodya never leaves the house without his mother. He cannot answer questions without her. Volodya has autism, but it does not prevent him from keeping his nose clean, moving around the city and answering questions.

And Sonya's mother proudly says that she dressed her daughter until she was 10, and wore it on handles to school until the second grade. At the age of 17, Sonya has problems with communication: she feels insecure with her peers, cannot collect her bag for school on her own and throws used pads around the house. Sonya also has a psychiatric diagnosis, while she has absolutely intact intellect and model appearance.

There are dozens of such cases in my practice. Parental overprotection interferes with the normal development of even absolutely healthy children. And if a child suffers from a mental illness, it actually turns him into a disabled person. At the same time, almost nowhere does it reach such proportions and does not reach the point of absurdity, as in families where a child with mental characteristics is growing up.

Why parents care too much about their children

Parents, especially mothers, are crushed by guilt, shame, fear, irritation, fatigue and a whole range of feelings. Teaching a healthy child to serve themselves on their own is often a quest for endurance, patience and perseverance. And not all parents successfully go through this.

In the case of special children, all this is a hundred times more complicated. It is often more difficult for them to study objectively, it is more difficult to endure their own failures due to the fragility of the psyche. Such children are full of problems with relationships with peers, educators, teachers. Add to this the sidelong glances of other mothers, sellers and just passers-by, from which the parent's heart squeezes and there is an almost instinctive desire for the child to protect, hide from everyone and make his life easier.

Consider the weariness of the endless, many years and often unsuccessful struggle to make the child like everyone else. Add annoyance to him for being different, and also a feeling of guilt in front of him and for this irritation, and for the very fact of his inferiority. If the child is the only one, then everything is in him alone - meaning, pain, hopes and despair. But work, an unsettled personal life, a bunch of worries and internal emptiness can also affect.

How hyperprotection manifests itself

Hyper-care can take many forms. Depending on this, the parents' views on the child may be different.

1. Child - crystal vase

It's wildly scary for him. It seems that it is actually not viable. If you leave him alone, then that's it.

Such an attitude is found either in anxious parents, or if a trouble suddenly happens to the child, for example, psychosis. No matter how out of it, at the age of 14-15. Before that, there was an ordinary teenager who went on hikes, fell in love, talked, studied. And then the madness and the hospital. Over time, everything worked out, but something broke inside my mother. The established balance seems very fragile, the situation seems to hang in the balance all the time. And now the mother does not leave the girl a single step. He holds her hand, looks into her eyes, brings it up and removes it.

But the psyche after psychosis is like a hand after a fracture, when everything has already grown together and the plaster cast has been removed. Emotions, will, thinking are weakened at this time. For them to recover, an ever-increasing, thoughtful workload is needed. By the way, physical work and self-organization in everyday life are very useful in this case.

2. The child is a skeleton in the closet

It is wildly ashamed of him because he is different. I want to hide it from everyone. The family sharply limits the circle of communication, they try not to take the child to general holidays, where there will be strangers. They don't go to the playground with him, because there are other mothers and their normal children.

Further - classes on an individual program or at home, distance learning at a college or university. The child is not allowed to go to the store alone, and they ride the subway with him only as a last resort. Such overprotection creates an invisible closet in which the child is hidden.

3. The child is a racehorse

This attitude is based on a bet on the outstanding abilities of the child to the detriment of everything else. Why would a future chess player or scientist clean up after themselves, wash dishes, go to the store? He simply does not have time for this, and this is not the main thing. One day all the worries and efforts will pay off, there will be money, fame, a housekeeper.

Often, this is how parents relate to an autistic child who is developing extremely unevenly. Against the background of a general lag, he is noticeably ahead of his peers in one thing. But often with age, this is smoothed out, and the parents' bet does not work.

4. The child is the scapegoat

He is considered the culprit of dashed hopes, divorce, and an uncomfortable life. The basis of such an attitude is resentment against life, which takes its place on the child as the easiest target. Of course, such experiences do not openly manifest themselves. One of the common options for covering them up is relentless concern designed to further weaken, suppress and bind them more tightly.

Of course, these divisions are very arbitrary. The child can move from one role to another or be in several at once. And, of course, in the overwhelming majority of cases, no one consciously wants to harm him.

How to stop caring for a child

Step one. Recognize the fact of overprotection

Honestly admit to yourself that you are doing for the child those things that he could easily cope with without your help.

Step two. Understand why you are doing this

It would seem, why change the existing system. Yes, overprotective, but this attitude persisted for years and has already become habitual. Ask yourself the question: "What will happen to my child if I suddenly become seriously ill or die?" But this can happen at any moment. A neuropsychiatric boarding school for the chronically mentally ill awaits him. A terrible outcome for someone who is used to love, family and their belongings. This is usually thought provoking.

Sometimes new relationships, hobbies, or pregnancy help. Parents feel sorry for wasting time on endless cooking and cleaning for a teenager.

If you deliberately want to change the situation, but you yourself cannot, try contacting a therapist. Groups for parents of children with mental disabilities are also of great benefit. Many there for the first time openly discuss the problems of relationships with their child, share their experience, receive support.

Step three. Find motivation for your child

Interest in mastering self-service skills in everyday life is naturally present only in young children. Until adolescence, you can expect your child to listen to you just because you are the parent. But in the future, when he tries to teach him something, he will most likely ignore you or even send you.

Here is a good example of peers or the influence of an external authority (family friend, teacher, coach). For a short time, the motivators can be pocket money, a desired purchase, or entertainment available after completing chores. But if this is abused, the child's appetites will quickly grow, and the parents' resources will be depleted.

In this case, the practice of social coaching will help. Young people who are confronted with a mental disorder and successfully deal with its consequences become social trainers for their peers or younger children. They help them master the skills of cooking, cleaning, and self-care. In addition, in parallel, they communicate and discuss important things.

Step four. Take your time and teach your child gradually

In order for a child with mental disabilities to master a seemingly simple skill, we need to break it down into several simpler sub-skills.

For example, to teach your teen to shop on their own, start by going to the kiosk. Go with your child and ask him to buy one thing. He himself must give the money to the seller and ask what is required. If you have problems with counting, first discuss together how much the item costs and how much money it has with it. Let him buy what he needs on his own.

It is not enough to complete each step just once. Bindings and repetitions are required.

In parallel, the child will walk with you to the nearest supermarket. First, make a list of products and select them together. Ask your child to pay for purchases, but stay close. Then send him alone for groceries, but wait at the exit. The next step is to wait for him in the car or at home. Then you can try going to another store and ask your child to make a shopping list on their own.

In each case, there will be nuances depending on what difficulties arise. But any obstacle can be bypassed by breaking it down into smaller and simpler tasks.