What is benign toxicity and how to deal with it

Shahida Arabi is the author of three bestselling books on psychological abuse in relationships and a renowned expert on recovery from such relationships. In Toxic People, Arabi explains how to recognize manipulation and interact with abusers. And it does it on the basis of scientific research. The work was published in Russian for the 16th anniversary of the publishing house "MIF". Lifehacker publishes an excerpt from the second chapter.

One of my ex-friends was obsessed with having a boyfriend. She jumped from one relationship to another, spending the lion's share of time, energy and finances on the next partner. I often supported her if she had relationship problems. However, when I experienced a terrible loss, she turned her back on me and accused me of being selfish for waiting for her support and letting her know that I was hurt by her indifference.

She may not have been a malignant narcissist, but she still turned out to be a toxic person, so I ended up completely severing my relationship with her, even though she tried to rebuild our friendship. Her self-centeredness and unwillingness to pay attention to anything else besides her love relationship, as well as the fact that she left me in one of the most difficult periods of my life, proved that it is not worth maintaining this friendship.

This is an example of a benign type of toxic personality, whereas narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths are classified as malignant toxic people. Given that there is a spectrum of toxicity, it is necessary to take into account the circumstances of the person's behavior, the frequency with which he uses manipulation to achieve his goals, the susceptibility to criticism of his behavior, and the level of empathy and readiness with which he responds to your anxiety.

You can draw boundaries based on personal safety and perceived harm.

There are five main types of toxic people: three are benign and two are malignant. For each type, I have brought a life story to show how they work and give advice on how to solve problems related to their behavior.

Benign toxicity

Not all toxic people are malignant narcissists and take pleasure in being harmed. Some suffer from various disorders or are prone to theatricality, while others struggle with family problems, self-centeredness, excessive self-esteem, or past trauma. Such people can also use gaslighting and projection techniques, as my friend did in our conflict, but for them this is not the main way of interacting with others. Their behaviors do not always justify breaking up or labeling them completely, but it is still imperative to establish boundaries when communicating with them. Toxicity remains toxic in any case and must be dealt with in one way or another.

Toxic Personality Type # 1: Border Trespassers

They are the friendliest of the whole spectrum of toxic people, but they can cause harm without realizing their toxicity. They constantly try to talk to you, invade your personal space, demand more from you than you can give, give unsolicited advice, waste your time, do weird things, and break promises.

They can be loud, proud, selfish, or incapable of taking hints.

Nancy was the noisiest employee at work. In the morning, she walked around every workplace and pestered her colleagues with her chatter. Then she began to hand out unsolicited advice. “We just got a Labrador puppy! Oh, he is so charming, just crazy … Taylor, you would be very much adorned with blue earrings. Do you know what you need? What if I arrange a blind date for you? I know a handsome guy, Tom, we used to work together in an accounting firm. You need to get out into the people!"

Steve's mother, Clara, had a domineering disposition and called him every day, even at work, to check how he was doing. She made it a habit after he had an accident. She genuinely worried about him, but expressed it in an unhealthy way.

How to set boundaries when interacting with someone like Nancy or Clara

Politely point out your unwillingness to communicate at the moment and make an emotional effort to cut back on interaction with the person instead of getting involved and adding fuel to the fire. A violator of boundaries can easily drain your energy reserves, even if he has no harmful intentions. Before Nancy gets into an active discussion of pets and blind dating, you can interrupt her by saying something like, “Nancy, I'm very busy right now. And I'm not looking for a partner right now. If she insists, you can politely leave.

Get in the habit of constantly cutting back on conversations with border trespassers.

If you were Steve, you could let Klara know that you can't answer her phone calls for a week, but you are ready to exchange messages periodically and set aside one day a week for regular calls. Stand your ground by rejecting her calls during business hours. Continue to delicately defend against the intrusions of a toxic person, and gradually he will get into the habit of respecting your boundaries, he still has no other choice. In such cases, they tend to switch to another object.

Toxic Personality Type # 2: Attention Seekers

At the next stage of toxicity are the so-called attention seekers. Such individuals have one selfish goal - to constantly be in the spotlight, even if they receive negative comments about their behavior. Because of their overwhelming need for attention, they dramatize, stir up conflict, and paint for praise. While they can be exhausting, upsetting and demanding a lot of your attention, they are much easier to deal with than the more aggressive types.

Heidi loved to be in the spotlight. She wore provocative work outfits, flirted with male colleagues, and loudly discussed her personal life in the office. Her pathological thirst for attention was so all-encompassing that it was difficult for her colleagues to concentrate on work, because she was constantly spinning around and trying to get into every conversation. If she didn't get the attention she needed, she became frustrated and rejected.

Heidi's behavior particularly hurt one of her colleagues, Laura, as she was constantly at work meetings. Heidi interrupted Laura all the time when she wanted to share her ideas. In addition, Heidi went to Laura's table every morning and, distracting the girl at the very beginning of the working day, spoke in detail about her latest romantic adventures.

How to set boundaries when interacting with someone like Heidi

Deprive them of your attention. These people crave your emotional response and energy. If they don't get what they want from you, they switch to a more reliable source of power. In this example, Laura could set boundaries by pulling Heidi aside and letting her know that she'd appreciate it if she stopped interrupting her in meetings. She could say, “I appreciate your input, but at the next meeting I would like to be free to express my ideas. In addition, it would be nice to shorten our morning conversations, since I am usually very busy at this time and I do not have the time and energy to talk to anyone."

If Heidi refuses to adhere to these boundaries, Laura can discuss her problems with a supervisor or break Heidi's pattern of behavior by politely but confidently saying, “I'm sorry, but I would like to finish my thought,” when she starts interrupting her. Such public appeal can embarrass the "boundary trespasser" and make him look for opportunities to shine elsewhere, and the ability to neutralize such tricks will make you a less attractive target for someone who seeks to please their ego. When you return your focus to yourself and your original intentions, the attention seeker is less likely to drive you crazy.

Toxic Personality Type # 3: Emotional Vampires

The term "emotional vampire" is often used in other books and articles as a general term for different types of toxic personalities. In my book, by these words, I mean toxic people who have empathy, but take a lot of your energy with their demands.

Lorena's mother was an emotional vampire. She rarely showed interest in her daughter - only when she needed something. She needed other people's emotions so much that she forced Lauren to devote her time and attention to her in difficult situations, but brushed her daughter off when she needed her. She came to Lorena without warning, demanded meetings with her grandchildren and pestered her with endless stories about how she felt like a victim. Lorena tried to build boundaries when communicating with her mother. Even as an adult, she felt guilty about not yielding to her mother's wishes, especially when she began to press on feelings of guilt. However, at the same time, Lorena knew: when she herself needed help, her mother was never there.

How to set boundaries when interacting with someone like Lorena's mother

Directly and firmly define your boundaries in conversation with the person. Here's an example of a great phrase to say to toxic people: “I would love to help, but I'm not in the right emotional mood right now.” Establish clear boundaries, outline the consequences of violating those boundaries, and implement your warnings for each violation. Lorena could talk to her mother and tell her, “I can't be ready every time you need it. I'm afraid I won't be able to receive you if you don't give advance notice of your visit. After such a conversation, Lorena should stick to her words, turning off the phone, not answering calls unless absolutely necessary, and reducing the duration of visits to a minimum if the mother again decides to come without warning.

In dealing with energy vampires, it is important to implement tangible boundaries, and not just talk about them.

If you want to conserve your powers for more important things, you need to cut off the emotional vampire from the source of energy, even if he tries to pressure feelings of guilt or shame you. It is necessary to arrange emotional starvation for the vampire, breaking the parasitic one-sided relationship. If you stop playing the role of a source of energy, the vampire will certainly find a new victim.

CLEANING Benign Toxicity from Your Life

To set boundaries more effectively when dealing with toxic people, use the acronym I coined, CLEANING. Oversensitive people who have trouble setting personal boundaries often experience mental anguish over impending conflict, negotiating with mild toxic people, and having to say no. The CLEARING method will allow you to cope with the conflict and defend your position:

Owriting;
Hclear wording;
ANDuse of borders;
WITHcatching gratitude;
Thardness;
TOcompromise;
Aactive demonstration of strength.

Please note that this acronym should only be used when interacting with people who are not violent. For it to work, your partner must be willing to listen to your wishes. Narcissists can get angry if you try to set boundaries, no matter how constructively you express your position.

Your safety comes first, so only use this method with someone who can take your case.

We'll discuss in more detail how to adapt the PURIFICATION method when dealing with aggressive narcissists. If you are afraid that you are in danger, avoid direct conflict.

Description. This refers to a clear description of the situation to understand the context. It is the opening of the conversation that can start a long conversation about a problem and its potential solutions. Consider, for example, the situation of Natalia, who wants to establish boundaries with her boyfriend who calls her at night. She can clearly identify the situation by saying something like, "Your calls in the middle of the night wake me up, and then it's hard for me to fall asleep."
Clear wording. Describe the negative impact of the situation to emphasize why the behavior bothers you. In Natalia's case, she can continue like this: “When I don't get enough sleep, I feel irritated and sleepy all day. I like to chat with you by text messages and on the phone, but not when I'm trying to get enough sleep. It creates tension in our relationship."
Using borders. Set clear boundaries or just say no. So, Natalia can say: “When I go to bed, please call and write to me only as a last resort. If there is no urgency, wait until morning."
Words of gratitude. Provide positive reinforcement when the person shows respect for your boundaries. This can be anything from a simple "thank you" to a letter of encouragement and appreciation. Natalia could send her boyfriend a message: “Thank you very much for your understanding. I'm going to bed and just wanted to thank you for respecting my needs."
Hardness. Stick to your beliefs firmly, focus on your goal (respecting your rights), and don't let a toxic person influence you. You can use the "broken record" technique by repeating your argument over and over and ending the conversation if the other person does not want to hear you or threatens you.
Compromise. Stay tuned when there are overwhelming differences in your views. If the person does not want to grant your request, please clarify: “As far as I understand, we have a disagreement. How else can we solve this problem? " Then start a constructive dialogue. (But only if you are sure that the other person is able to conduct a conversation without insults and threats. Tips for communicating with abuser can be found in the third chapter.)
An active demonstration of strength. Even if you're nervous about setting boundaries, be confident. In conflict with a benign toxic type, it is helpful to maintain eye contact and a confident tone of voice.

Introspection. Using the CLEANING method

I have given examples of how to use the CLEANING method in different situations. But what about your story specifically? Consider each of the suggested suggestions using leading questions and write down your thoughts:

Description. Clearly describe the problem you want to solve with a benign toxic person in your environment.
Clear wording. Why is this a problem for you? What consequences does it lead to?
Using borders. Write down one or two ways you can set boundaries in this situation.
Words of gratitude. In what positive way can you reinforce the desired behavior?
Hardness. Make up a statement that you will repeat over and over again to convey your message to the toxic person, even if they try to divert your attention or lead you astray.
Compromise. Think about the possible compromises that you could make if this person does not want to fulfill your request, or how you yourself can meet your needs if your partner is not willing or able to do so. (For example, Natalya can turn off the phone at night if her boyfriend refuses to stop late calls.)
An active demonstration of strength. If you are nervous about using the CLEANING method, consider what will help you feel energized and confident before meeting or speaking. For example, go for a run, do positive self-hypnosis, rehearse a planned conversation in advance?

What is benign toxicity and how to deal with it

Shahida Arabi not only offers practical advice on how to deal with manipulators, but also writes about ways to recover from such a relationship. Her book will be useful to anyone who encounters toxic people. This will teach you how to build boundaries, protect yourself from abuse and, most importantly, hear yourself.