How to talk to a child about death: advice from psychologists

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

How to explain that your beloved grandfather will no longer come, and help the kid to cope with feelings.

The loss of a family member or close friend is an event that people are usually not prepared for. And we, of course, do not think in advance how we will communicate this sad news to our children. Lifehacker gathered child psychologists on how to build a conversation with a child in this difficult situation, and asked Tatyana Riber to comment on them.

Why is it so difficult for us to talk to children about death?

On the one hand, when we mention someone else's death, we are faced with such a topic as the inevitability of our own. We are afraid that the conversation will turn to the fact that one day we will also die and leave our child alone. "Will mom and dad also die?" - the children ask fearfully, since death causes them an incomprehensible feeling of longing for a person whom they will never see again. Also, children may be worried that they too are mortal. This idea might shock some guys a lot.

The child is worried that he may be left alone, that all adults may die. And this is a question, rather, of security.

Tatiana Riber

On the other hand, we unconsciously identify ourselves with our children: we project our emotions onto them, wonder how we would feel at their age. It all depends on how we ourselves, being small, first lost a loved one.

If you were faced with divorce or death as a child, and your parents were so absorbed in their experiences that they left you alone with your grief, you will experience more difficulties in a similar situation with your children, as you will tend to project your own suffering onto them.

Finally, we fear that talking about death can harm the fragile child's psyche: cause fears, traumatize. And it really can happen. Therefore, it is better not to try to get ahead of the child's thoughts and tell him what you think is necessary, but calmly and tactfully answer his questions.

If adults themselves do not have a fear of death, then communication with their own child on this topic goes smoothly.

Tatiana Riber

How to help a child understand death

Between the ages of 3 and 5, children have a very limited understanding of death. Although they know that a dead person's heart no longer beats and that he can neither hear nor speak, it is difficult for them to understand that death is final. They think that it is reversible, that the grandmother will come to them tomorrow.

To help them understand what death is, be sure to say: when a person dies - this is forever, he will not return. To relieve the sadness of a breakup, tell your child that he can always remember the good moments with the deceased loved one.

Help your child understand that death is part of the natural cycle of life. You can start with examples that are not so emotionally colored (for example, trees, butterflies, birds), patiently explaining that life expectancy is different for everyone.

Also say that sometimes sentient beings are so seriously ill that they cannot stay alive. However, insist that humans and animals in most cases can be cured and live to a ripe old age.

Children face death early on. Usually earlier than adults realize this, or when the latter have an idea to talk about death. Children see dead birds and animals on the road. At such moments, parents close their eyes to the baby and tell him not to look. But before death and childbirth were perceived as the most natural processes.

Tatiana Riber

When explaining the concept of death, avoid using words such as "fell asleep" and "gone."If you tell your child that his grandfather fell asleep, the child may become fearful of sleep, fearing death. It's the same if you tell him that grandfather is gone. The child will wait for his return and worry when other family members are going on a real trip.

Don't tell your child that his grandmother died just because she was sick - he may think she caught a common cold. He may have a fear of death, even if he just catches a cold or someone from his family starts coughing. Tell him the truth using simple words: “Grandma had cancer. This is a very serious illness. Sometimes people manage to recover, but not always. Reassure your child that death is not contagious.

Things and processes must be called by their proper names, since children perceive information coming from their parents in the literal sense. And the younger the child, the more careful parents need to be with innocent jokes and words that can be interpreted in different ways.

Tatiana Riber

Children and adults experience grief in different ways. Which reactions to expect and which should cause concern

The stages are indeed different and are less noticeable in children. The child's psyche often makes unconscious attempts to protect him from difficult emotions. He seems to digest information piece by piece.

In general, it may look as if the child does not feel anything.

Some parents remark, "After our conversation, he just returned to the game without asking any questions." In fact, the child understood everything very well. But he needs time to digest this information.

This is a defense mechanism. Children use it more than adults because their psyche is more fragile. They still do not have enough mental strength to cope with their emotions, and they need energy, first of all, for growth and development.

There is no need to repeat or check if the child understood what you said. He himself will return to the topic later, at his own pace, and will ask all the questions that interest him when he is ready to hear the answers.

Some children may ask strangers with questions, such as a school teacher. This is because a person who does not experience grief with everyone is able to impartially provide the necessary information that the child can trust. Often children return to this topic in a conversation before bedtime, as they associate it with death.

Within a month, the child may show signs of latent anxiety: problems with falling asleep, unwillingness to obey and eat normally. But if these symptoms persist for a longer time, and you notice that your child has become more withdrawn and depressed both at school and at home, it is worth paying attention to this and initiating a confidential conversation.

If you can't find the right words to help him cope with anxiety on your own, be sure to consult a child psychologist.

How to help your child cope with the loss of a loved one

It all depends on who died, under what circumstances and at what age the child is. But in any case, the emotional state of the parents is an important factor that largely influences the child's reaction. Hug him, fondle him, tell him why you are upset.

You have the right to express sadness and mourn your loss. This will help the child understand that he can show his emotions.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, take care of yourself first. This will also become the right example for the child and allow him to realize: if you feel bad, you should be attentive to yourself. In addition, it will teach him to seek help in difficult times.

Even more so than fathers, mothers tend to believe that they have to carry this emotional burden on their own, manage everything and look good at all times. But this is unreal. If you are too worried, you can and should accept help. Ask your spouse, friends, relatives about it.

Moreover, at such moments the child sometimes asks questions that can cause you even more pain. He does this not out of sadistic motives, but because he instantly captures the mood of the parent. This can be very difficult, so these questions should be answered by a person who is less prone to worries.

You don't have to follow the rules that you think exist in society. Some say that the child needs to be told and shown everything. In fact, this should be left to the discretion of the parents. You must be confident in what you are doing and trust your intuition.

Sometimes, on the contrary, hiding certain things from the child can be the wrong step. If you lie about the reason for your bad mood, he cannot understand why you are experiencing these emotions, and will begin to fantasize things that would never occur to you. He may, for example, feel guilty about your upset or start to fear that there is a conflict between the parents and they are about to divorce.

Death is always an emotionally intense event. It should not be hidden from the child, but try to protect him from severe shocks.

Should I take children to funerals?

Tatyana Riber believes: if the parents themselves are not afraid of this process and if the child does not resist, the answer is rather yes. Accompanying a child's family to a cemetery depends on the attitude towards death accepted in his environment. Children in families observing religious traditions attend the funeral and approach the coffin. In fact, the cemetery is not a place for walking with children. But if it is a tradition, you can take children to deceased relatives.