What parents need to know in order to properly speak with a child about death

The neighbors' cat died. For the son of neighbors, 3-year-old Mark, this was the first death in his life. Not the one that folklore introduces children to. There - even an inattentive reader will notice - death occurs easily, cannot be explained in any way and does not cause inconsolable grief. Once - and ate Lisa Kolobok. The Snow Maiden jumped over the fire and suddenly melted, turned into a white cloud. And the finale of the tale about seven kids, where the insidious wolf in different variations gives up life, generally gives the little listener glee and delight.

The parents explained to Mark that the cat had fallen asleep. A few days later they turned to me for help: the boy started having serious sleep problems. He was afraid to sleep. He believed that you can not wake up, as happened with your pet.

Explaining to a child what it means to "die" is not an easy task for parents. Talking about death is essentially talking about an inevitable future. Often adults do not have their own well-formed attitude to this issue. No one thinks about the eternal every day, and if he does, he tries to drive away dark thoughts from himself.

But in the life of a child, sooner or later, a tragic situation may occur. And children who grew up in families where the topic of death was discussed are psychologically more prepared for what happened.

What you need to know

Discussion of death, its inevitability and consequences is an important contribution to the mental development of the child.
Children need to see other family members grieving and expressing their feelings in order to develop their own patterns of behavior in tragic situations.
Don't pretend that nothing happened. Such a reaction is inadequate to what happened and increases the emotional shock of the child.
During a period of grief, you should not save the child from his usual duties. Their implementation creates a feeling of comfort and safety.
Show your child that crying is not embarrassing. But don't scold him if he doesn't want to cry.
Tell the teacher about the family tragedy. The teacher's concern and the support of classmates can help cope with grief.
Use small motor activities as a "sedative": drawing, sculpting, picking up beads, sorting out cereals, playing with the constructor.

How children deal with grief

The natural habitation of grief in adults can last from two to eight months and is divided into several successive stages:

shock or denial;
anger;
bargain;
depression;
Adoption.

Children experience grief in the same way as adults. Only, unlike us, it is difficult for them to identify their feelings and express them. Therefore, the task of parents is to identify each stage in time, accept the child's experiences, support him, convince him that death is not the result of bad behavior or evil thoughts, and give truthful answers to questions.

Using your example, the child should conclude that, despite the strength of the overwhelming emotions, it is real to experience them.

There is no reason to worry if the child:

Often falls into hysterics or withdraws, does not want to talk. This behavior is typical of the first stage of grief - shock, denial. It takes time to comprehend the information received, to accept it as an inevitable reality. The child can say: “I don’t want the grandmother to die!”, “I don’t believe, you’re lying!”.
Becomes aggressive, naughty, rude, throws toys. This is normal for the second stage of grief. During it, the child often feels guilty for the death of a loved one, especially if it is a mother or father. He can refuse pleasures (gifts, sweets, affection), say "I am bad." Thus, the child “punishes” himself, as it were.
Becomes too affectionate towards loved ones, is afraid to be alone, needs affection. Older children pretend to be babies: they begin to lisp, fool around. Being in the third stage (bargaining), the child seems to say to himself: "If I behave well, nothing bad will happen", "If I remain small, mom and dad will not grow old, which means they will not die."
He wants nothing, avoids communication, sits in the room for a long time, eats little. Sleep problems and fears appear: darkness, heights, monsters, attacks. These symptoms indicate living through the stage of depression.
Laughs in response to the sad news. Children under 4 years of age do not have an understanding of the finiteness of life. The words "death" and "never" have little meaning to them.

It is worth contacting a pediatric neuropsychiatrist if the child:

Suffers from prolonged insomnia and / or hallucinations.
Refuses food completely.
Unnaturally calm, as if "petrified".
He became uncontrollable, disobeyed, performs dangerous actions. For example, he inflicts bodily harm on himself.
Obsessively makes the same movements (sways, blinks, shudders) or stutters.
Has ceased to control urination.

How to tell your child about the death of a loved one

Talking about death requires not only tact but also sensitivity from the parent. You have to be most careful if the child is sensitive or suffers from neurological and psychiatric diseases.

In children under 3-4 years of age, the recreational imagination prevails, that is, the child is able to conjecture the images he heard from an adult.

Therefore, it is not necessary to use expressions like “fell asleep forever”, “left us”, “taken by angels” - such allegories will cause obsessive fears to appear.

The death should be reported by a person whom the child knows well. The conversation should take place in a calm atmosphere, when the baby is not keen on the game, full, does not experience fatigue or other strong emotions. It is best to take him in your arms or just hug him.

It is necessary to speak clearly and briefly: “There is misfortune in our family. My grandmother died. It may take time for the child to comprehend what has been said. Then he may cry, get angry, hit you, or start asking questions. The closer the connection with the deceased, the stronger the emotional reaction will be.

If the child wants to be left alone, give him this opportunity. Talk about your experiences, ask how the child feels. Avoid phrases like "If you knew how bad I am now!" Describe your feelings more simply by describing your feelings: “I feel abandoned, I am very sad” or “It’s hard to feel my own powerlessness from the fact that you can no longer help a person”.

Remembering the deceased, it is important to tell the child different stories - both funny and sad. So, to create an image of a real, not a mythical person.

Although popular wisdom says "It's either good or nothing about the dead," idealizing the deceased, we only aggravate the grief and complicate its experience.

Invite your child to make a book about a departed relative: write various stories there, paste photographs and drawings. Explain that this is how the memory of the deceased family member will live.

Whether to take a child to a funeral should be decided directly by adults, taking into account the psychological maturity of the child. Without fail, I would recommend doing this in the event of the death of a mother or father, brother or sister.

How to answer a child's questions about death

Below we have collected examples of answers to common children's questions related to death.

1. What does “died” mean?

This means that we will not see him again. "Dead" means "inanimate". A person can no longer breathe, speak, eat, sleep, see or hear. His heart stopped working. He doesn't feel anything.

2. Will I die too?

All living things are born and die. But a person lives for many, many years and dies only when he is old. You have many joyful days ahead, it is even difficult to count them. You will grow up, become an adult, you will have your own children and grandchildren. Your life is just beginning.

3. Why do people die?

People die when they get old, that is, their life ends. Sometimes people die from serious illnesses. Something important in their body breaks down. Doctors know how to treat various diseases, but it happens when they fail to fix the breakdown completely. For example, when a person has lost a lot of blood or medications do not help him.

4. Did he die because he misbehaved?

He died because he was old / sick for a long time. Nobody dies from bad behavior. They die of old age, illness, negligence. For example, if you cross the road at a red light, you can get hit by a car and die.

5. When will he wake up?

He is not sleeping. He died. In a dream, a person can breathe, his heart beats, his organs work. If you shout or push him loudly, he will wake up. When a person dies, he stops breathing. He cannot be woken up, he does not hear or feel anything.

6. What will happen after death?

After death, people are buried. This is such a tradition. To bury is to bury it in the ground. There are special places where people are buried. They are called "cemeteries". It is believed that after death a person's soul continues to live. Scientists haven’t proven it, but I believe it. In any case, the deceased person will live in our memories.

7. Why is it buried in the ground?

This is such a rule. The place where a person is buried is called a grave. You can come to the grave, bring flowers, remember a person. The graves are in the cemetery. People who die are brought there.

8. What happens to the body in the ground?

Remember what happens to the leaves in the fall. They die, fall to the ground and become part of it. Likewise, the human body becomes part of the earth.

9. Isn't he scared underground? Is he sad without us?

The person is already inanimate. He cannot feel. Therefore, he does not experience fear, sadness, hunger and cold. Only living people can feel.

10. How are we going to live without him / her?

Our life will change without grandma. Now you will go to school yourself, I will cook dinner for you and teach you how to warm your food. We will do our lessons together in the evening.
We will miss Mom very much. My aunt / grandmother / sister will move in to look after you while I'm at work. I'll read you bedtime stories and play with you. I will try to do at least part of what my mother did.
Living without a dad won't be easy. Our grandfather / uncle / brother will help us. They will try to do what Daddy did for us.

10. Why did he die? Didn't he love me? If he had loved, he would not have died

People cannot control death. They love us and want to stay around longer. But he was old / sick for a long time and therefore died.

11. Could you be killed? Can you die too?

I plan to live long and be by your side. I do not commit dangerous acts and take care of my health in order to live as long as possible. I will be alive when you go to school, when you get married and have your children. We will come to visit you and play with them. We have a long and interesting life ahead of us.

Yes, and about the cat. Foster a respectful attitude towards death in your child by observing traditions and rituals. Be sure to put the deceased pet in a box and bury it in a special place.