4 fears that prevent relationships from developing

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

What is your partner really afraid of when they are “relationship afraid”? To understand what is holding back your relationship and how to remove obstacles to their development, the article on four groups of fears will help. When you read, think first of all not about your partner's fears, but about your own - perhaps they are the main brake.

“A man is afraid of a relationship” is such a common pattern. It is very simplified, and most importantly, it impedes growth. Why? Because of his accusatory nature. In this phrase, one can hear despair, pain, resentment, reproach. Emotions are understandable, but does such a position lead to a result? What self-respecting person will meet you halfway if, as a motivation, he hears about himself that he is a coward? No, only loneliness can be built on such phrases, they are not suitable for the development of relationships.

I would change the phrase. Let's say to this: "A partner in a relationship with me does not see his own benefit." It's actually the same thing, but, first of all, it doesn't sound offensive. And secondly, it allows you to face the truth: a relationship is an exchange, and if one of the partners thinks that the exchange is unequal, a natural and logical reaction for him will be “fear” of relationships.

Are relationships a market?

I get it all the time for this market approach. Say, where there is love, there is no and cannot be a place for the rough formula "you are for me, I am for you." And in my opinion, this is what people say who want to cheat by giving less and getting more. They wave "love" like a bright rag to distract from the essence of the question. Imagine that such a champion of love was told at work something like: "He who truly loves the company does not demand from the management an 8-hour working day and a salary adequate to work!" He would immediately suspect that he was being bred. Why does he think about relationships differently? Maybe because in a relationship he sees himself not as an employee, but as an owner?

However, let's imagine that in building your relationship, you proceed from the concept of equal exchange, mutual satisfaction of needs and obtaining tangible benefits. Indeed, why do we need a relationship if not to live a better life? And if so, we need a partner with the right resources, right? Who will share them if we have something to offer him in return.

What are these resources, what are the benefits? What is a potential partner afraid not to receive from us? We distinguish four large areas in "".

1. Fear of the body

This is a group of fears associated with the safety and comfort of the physical body … That the bed will not be soft enough (or excessively) soft, the air not fresh enough, the food not healthy and tasty enough. That there will be a lot (or not enough) noise, voices, that everyday life will tire. That the family (“seven“I” is perceived by people as a part of their physical body) will not love or, on the contrary, will love too obsessively, that there will be difficulties with the parents. That there will be little or no entertainment, or that their character will change in some uncomfortable way. That friendships will crackle. That you will need to spend more (or less) time at work, that you will not have enough money, and so on.

Instead of reproaching your partner for being afraid of the relationship, find out what he would like from them in terms of safety and comfort, and how to give it to him.

Show that he will preserve all the good things that are already in his life, and you will help him use it even better, and also add a lot of interesting and new things. Do you think he will continue to be afraid if you are convincing and sincere?

2. Emotional fear

These are all the fears associated with inviolability of personal space (Have you heard that emotions are just a signaling system that gives us alerts: either joyful if we have taken over someone else's space, or angry if someone invaded our own?). It is they who often most of all hinder the development of relations. Uncertainty. Anxiety. Anxiety. Fear that you will be insulted, humiliated, devalued, betrayed, ridiculed. That personal space will shrink as a result of the relationship. That you will feel less "cool" and "in charge". That you will lose your freedom. That you find yourself guilty, and even make you apologize.

That's where I started the article. Who does not trust, offend, reproaches, he will sit without relationship. Because in relationships we need people who do exactly the opposite (of course, if there are no pronounced psychological problems that drag into relationships, where the worse the better).

Admire your partner, look at him as your teacher, protect him from attacks - these are resources that are scarce in the relationship market, so they are always in demand.

And the partner will not be "afraid" of the relationship with you. On the contrary, he will begin to strive for them.

3. Intellectual fear

This is a group of fears associated with loss or decrease in the ability to understand, with the ability to perceive the world correctly. Simply put, the fear of becoming stupid, or even completely crazy. Not everyone, between us, assessing the prospect of a relationship, will be sure that his thinking abilities will remain at the same level, that he will learn, develop himself, master new things in the same way as he did when he was alone. Very often, relationships throw us far back in development.

Maybe this is not such a terrible fear, but it should still be taken into account when analyzing why your relationship is stagnant. This is especially true of relationships with people for whom wiggling their brains is not only a habit, but also work, a way of being.

Show such a partner that you will not pour concrete between his ears, but become the engine of his development to new intellectual heights - and he will immediately cease to be "afraid" of the relationship.

4. Spiritual fear

These are fears associated with danger loss of historical and cultural roots … Of course, there are people who do not know about spirituality or do not believe in it, they believe that spirituality is a "philosophy", it is "about nothing." However, what could be worse for a relationship than a situation when partners do not share the deepest beliefs of each other, if they have different views on history, religion, family, traditions, if they have different cultural codes? After all, these things are the sources of the most irreconcilable contradictions.

I will not even write that it is necessary to share the spiritual picture of the partner's world - I do not particularly believe that changes of this level are possible in a relationship. Rather, I would like you to find a person with similar attitudes for your relationship.

If you share the same views on the world, man and society, you simply will not be afraid of each other, but if your views are different, perhaps you will never stop being afraid.

For business?

So, I propose to assume that where your partner is "afraid" of the relationship, you simply do not modify it. As the seller does not modify, who allows you to leave the store without buying anything. You leave not because you are afraid of the purchase, but because you are not interested enough. Maybe they didn’t show the “face” of what would really suit you.

Leave the arguments about love - they do not help you build relationships, they only justify your loneliness. Analyze and meet the needs of your partner, dispel the four fears listed above. And your relationship will just jump forward.