How to get rid of the need to please everyone

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

The anxiety that comes from thinking that strangers won't like you can make life very difficult. Psychologists tell you how to get rid of this destructive need.

Imagine yourself as an inkblot

Remember the famous Rorschach psychological test, during which you need to look at the image of an ink blot and describe what you see. Then try to imagine yourself as such a blot on paper. What the other person sees speaks more about himself than about the inkblot - that is, about you. Qualities that will arouse sympathy in one person, on the contrary, will make another angry.

How others perceive you depends a lot on how many qualities they see in themselves in common with you. According to researchers, we are more attracted to people who are similar in character to ourselves. During the experiment, this was especially noticeable among people with undesirable qualities. The more nervous or hot-tempered a participant was, the more likely they were to rate people with the same characteristics positively.

Do not forget: you can only control your own behavior, but not the character or preferences of the interlocutor.

Think about factors unknown to you

In addition to your personality, many more factors affect the perception of others. Everyone has their own affairs, their own problems, their own mood. Someone may have a tough day at work, or a fight with loved ones, or just a huge to-do list. All of these unknown factors will affect how the interlocutor answers you, but they have nothing to do with you personally. It is sometimes helpful to remind yourself of your insignificance.

Identify your mistakes of thinking

We often fall prey to cognitive biases. We attribute negative thoughts about ourselves to others, take all their words and reactions at our own expense, imagine the worst scenario. This happens unconsciously.

Try to understand what distortions you are subject to. What assumptions do you usually make about yourself and others? What do you often take for granted? How fair are you? Pay attention to the thoughts you have before, during, and after the conversation. Be honest with yourself when trying to figure out what may have distorted your perception.

Distinguish negative from neutral

Uncertainty makes us uncomfortable. When a person is not sending either overtly friendly or overtly hostile signals, it is difficult for us to determine his attitude. Therefore, we interpret many completely neutral conversations as negative. In such situations, we have to rely on our view of the world.

If the thought comes into your picture of the world that people are always rejecting you, you will constantly notice this.

Seeing someone just minding their own business will make you think they are avoiding you. This is manifested by an increased sensitivity to neglect. It is more typical not for meeting strangers, but for communicating with those with whom you have known for a long time or are just starting a relationship.

Remember that circumstances are against you

Imagine that you would have to communicate with all 7 billion of the world's population. How many percent of these people would find you a pleasant person? Obviously not 100%. This is a good reminder that in your life you will inevitably meet people who will not like you.

For example, you would be liked by about 70% of the population. Then the other 30% would dislike you, which is about 2 billion people. And they can meet you anywhere.

Remind yourself that the circumstances are against you; someone will not like you anyway. It remains only to accept this and move on.