Correspondence novel: why you shouldn't reply to messages right away

Modern romance is stressful, especially when it comes to texting. In 2010, only 10% of young people used messages to ask someone out on a date for the first time. In 2013 - already 32%. More and more people are sitting alone, staring at a phone screen, and at the same time experiencing a whole range of emotions.

Aziz Ansari American comedian, actor, author of Actively Seeking

Several minutes passed and the status of my message changed to read. My heart has stopped. Here it is, the moment of truth. I braced myself and watched as these small dots appear on the smartphone screen, which indicate that someone is typing an answer for you. Feel like from a slow ride to the highest part of the slide. But then a few seconds pass - and that's it, they disappeared. And no answer.

Hmmm … what happened? A few more minutes pass and … nothing. 15 minutes pass … Nothing. My confidence fades away, doubts begin to torment. An hour passes … Nothing. Two hours pass … Nothing. Three hours pass … A slight panic begins. I reread my message. I was sure of him, but now I'm starting to wonder what was wrong with him.

“I'm such a fool! You had to type “Hello!” With two e's, not one. I have asked too many questions. What was I just thinking? Oh, I had to ask about something else. Aziz, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AND YOUR QUESTIONS?"

Technological progress today allows us to connect with the person we like instantly. But this does not reduce the problems. For example, how do you ask a girl or boyfriend out on a date? Is it worth calling? Or write an SMS? Or add as a friend and send a message on a social network? How long do I have to wait before responding to an invitation? Obviously, with progress, there have been changes in our personal lives. We evaluate our partner differently, otherwise we establish and build relationships.

Comedian Aziz Ansari decided to understand the problems of modern romantic relationships and together with the sociologist from New York University Eric Klinenberg (Eric Klinenberg) developed a large-scale research project. From 2013 to 2014, they worked with focus groups and conducted surveys around the world, as well as interviewed renowned researchers in romantic relationships. The results of this research have resulted in the book "", in which, among other things, you can find the answer to the question of what to do as soon as you send or receive a message.

How long should I wait before responding to a message?

This question caused the most controversy and disagreement among the respondents. And these are the tactics people usually follow.

The tactic of doubling the response time: you get a reply in five minutes, you wait ten. This way, you will always be in a better position because you will seem busier and less available than the person you are talking to.
Some people wait a few minutes to show that there is something more important in their life than the phone.
Some respondents believe that it is better to double the response time, but sometimes you can answer quickly, there is nothing wrong with that (as, indeed, with too long a response).
Some people claim that they expect exactly 1.25 times the response time.
Others argue that it is enough to wait three minutes.
There were also those who were already fed up with such games, so they respond immediately as soon as they see the message. They find that their answers, without feigned expectation, seem more lively and confident.

But do these tactics really work? And why are so many people sticking to them? Let's see if these strategies fit in with actual psychological research.

Answer as a reward

In recent years, behavioral scientists have explored why expectation tactics have such a powerful effect on people.

You will appear less attractive if you reply to messages immediately.

Psychologists have conducted hundreds of studies in which they gave rewards to animals in different conditions. One of the most interesting finds is the "indefinite reward", that is, the situation when an animal, pushing a lever, cannot predict whether it will receive a reward. It turned out that uncertainty greatly increases the animal's interest in receiving a reward: the level of dopamine rises, so one can say that it gets high from this sensation.

In laboratory animals, which receive a reward every time they press a lever, interest eventually dies out. After all, they know that as soon as they want a reward, they will receive it.

It's the same principle in relationships: if you're the guy or girl who responds quickly to messages, you are taken for granted. As a result, you diminish your value as a reward. This means that the other person will not have a strong urge to respond to the message. Or, as is the case with laboratory animals, the need to push a lever.

What do correspondence and gambling addiction have in common

Messaging is the environment in which our mind begins to work specifically. Before everyone had cell phones, people always waited a while (hours or days) before calling back, so that the other person was not disturbed. Correspondence taught us to receive faster responses. According to surveys, this figure varies from person to person in the range from 10 minutes to one hour.

Natasha Schüll, an anthropologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (USA), studies gambling addiction, in particular, what happens to the minds and bodies of people who are addicted to slot machines. Unlike cards, horse races or a weekly lottery, which keep players waiting (their turn when the horses finish, the start of the weekly drawing), slot machines allow gambling without delay, as the player receives information promptly.

Natasha Shul Anthropologist at MIT

You are used to expecting instant results, so you start to lose patience at any slightest delay. When you're texting someone you like but don't know well enough yet, it's a lot like a slot machine. There is also a lot of uncertainty, anticipation, anxiety here. You are set to receive a message. You want it, you need it right now. But if you don't get a quick response, it unsettles you.

Text messages are different from the messages people left on answering machines before the advent of smartphones. A message on an answering machine is like buying a lottery ticket. You know in advance that you will have to wait until you know the winning numbers. You don't expect to be called back immediately. You can even enjoy this feeling of uncertainty, because you know in advance that you will have to wait a few days. But in the case of text messages, if you don't get a response after 15 minutes, then you start to go crazy.

How to appear more attractive in the eyes of another person

The psychological principles of expectation can be a very useful strategy for a single person who wants to appear more attractive.

For example, let's say you are a man who met three women at a bar. The next day you write to them. Two answer quickly enough, and the third does not answer at all. The first two women showed interest in you, and your brain calmed down when it received the answer. But the third woman, without answering, created uncertainty, and your brain begins to search for an explanation for her action. You don't lose interest: “Why isn't she answering? What's wrong with me? Maybe I did something wrong? This uncertainty, social psychologists have found, can lead to intense romantic attraction.

A team of scientists - Erin Whitchurch, Timothy Wilson and Daniel Gilbert - conducted a study in which women were shown profiles of different men on the social network Facebook, who in turn told what they thought of them. profiles.

One group of women was shown the profiles of men who rated the profiles of the subjects in this group as the best.
The second group was told that they were shown profiles of men who rated their accounts as average.
The third group was shown profiles of men who could not decide whether they liked these women or not.

Women were expected to give preference to men who rated them as the best rather than as average (on the basis of reciprocity - we like people who love us). However, women were more likely to prefer men from the undecided group. Later, they also reported that they thought more about men who were undecided in their assessment.

When you think a lot about a person, his image becomes firmly entrenched in your head, which, in the end, can lead to the emergence of attraction.

Another idea from social psychology that concerns our games with anticipation is the principle of scarcity. We usually perceive something as more desirable when it seems inaccessible to us. Thus, when you rarely receive messages from someone, in fact, that person artificially creates scarcity and presents himself in a more favorable light.

Don't take it personally

You wrote to the person and asked him out on a date, and he didn't react. What to do in such a situation? Certainly not to sprinkle ashes on your head and think what you said or did wrong. Remember that sometimes it's not you, but other factors come into play. Something may be happening in a person's life that you have no idea about, but it can affect his desire to start a relationship.