How to communicate with passive-aggressive coworkers

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

The bad news is that you cannot change the behavior of such a person. But there is also a good one - it will become easier to work with the aggressor if you adhere to these recommendations.

With the permission of the publishing house "MIF", Lifehacker publishes an excerpt from the book "Communication with Difficult People" - a guide to effective interaction with clients, colleagues and other interlocutors.

Your colleague in the meeting says one thing and then does another. At meetings he interrupts you, but in the office he walks by and does not greet you. If you try to discuss his behavior with him, he will assure that everything is in order and the problem is only in your head. However, this is not so: he is a passive-aggressive person. It is very difficult to work with such a colleague. It is not clear how to proceed. To denounce? Ignore? How to discuss a problem if he claims everything is fine?

Colleagues often make passive-aggressive remarks to each other if the topic is too painful or it is impossible to speak directly. “We all sin with this,” says Amy Soo, co-author of Own the Room: Discover Your Signature Voice to Master Your Leadership Presence. However, prolonged passive-aggressive behavior is a completely different game.

“These people go to great lengths to get their way. They might even lie to do so,”confirms Annie McKee, founder of the Teleos Leadership Institute and co-author of Primal Leadership: Unleashing the Power of Emotional Intelligence. In such a case, you need to take special precautions to help you, and possibly your opponent, do your job. Here are some tips.

Don't get hooked

If a coworker pretends that everything is okay, or claims that you are overreacting, it can be difficult not to get angry or defend yourself. However, this is not a situation in which you have to kick back, says McKee.

Try to stay calm.

“He might want to piss you off so he can blame you and give out his anxiety,” Su explains. - If you react emotionally, you will most likely look and feel like a complete fool. Think of it as an opportunity for self-improvement."

Consider what causes this behavior

People who constantly behave passively-aggressively are not always stupid. Perhaps they simply do not know how to communicate or in this way avoid an open quarrel. McKee says that passive-aggressive behavior tends to be a way to "get your message across, demonstrate your emotions, without real, constructive conflict." This is how their egocentrism is expressed.

“They mistakenly assume that those around them know how they feel and that their needs and preferences are more important than the needs of others,” Su says. Consider this, but do not try to diagnose your colleagues. “Perceive the situation as it is,” Su adds. "This is an unproductive outburst of emotions that a person is not able to express constructively."

Do not forget about your responsibility

Most likely, you are also not without sin. Think about whether your actions could cause passive-aggressive behavior towards you? “Take responsibility for your actions,” says Su. Also, consider if you have responded with the same coin; to recognize the signs of passive-aggressive behavior in yourself, you need to know them. “It can happen to even the best of us when we postpone or avoid something. Sometimes emotions leak out and can hurt others,”says Su.

The main thing is the content, not the form

This may be the last thing you want to do, but try to look at the situation from your colleague's point of view. What opinion or assumption is he trying to express with his barbs? Analyze the situation, McKee recommends.

Perhaps a colleague thinks that your approach to the project is ineffective? Or disagree with the goals you set for the team? “Not everyone knows how to publicly discuss or express their thoughts,” says Su. If you can focus on a specific work issue, and not on the form of expression, you can not get hung up on the conflict and start looking for a solution.

Recognize the underlying problem

When you have calmed down and feel able to communicate productively, approach a colleague. Say, “You spoke clearly last time. As I understand it, you think …”This will help him to identify the essence of the problem. Together, you can make a difference, as McKee explains. Speak calmly, in a monotone, do not focus on how aggressively or offensively he expressed his feelings. “Ignore the toxic side of the matter entirely,” Su advises. "Sometimes it is enough for a person to make his opinion heard."

Watch your language

Say what you see fit, but don't blame the person for passive-aggressive behavior. "You will hurt your goals," McKee says. Su agrees, “These are explosive phrases. The person is already on a defensive position and may become even more angry. Don't label and condemn. " Instead, McKee suggests explaining how this situation affects you and other employees. If possible, show how his behavior prevents him personally from achieving important goals, such as career advancement.

The more you are the better

You don't have to deal with the problem alone. “You have every right to ask other people for opinions and hear from your allies that you are not crazy,” says Su. However, the discussion should take place in the form of an attempt to constructively improve the relationship, so that it does not look like gossip or slander. Su invites you to get the opinion of others, for example, in this way: “I wonder what you think of Emily's words. How did you understand them?"

Formulate the basic principles of behavior

With the help of colleagues, you can formulate a long-term solution to the problem. “As a team, you have the right to set specific codes of conduct,” McKee says. Agree to express grievances directly and set an example of the honest, open communication you would like to see on your team. Mutual accountability can also be introduced.

If your problematic colleague systematically does not fulfill the agreements, create a clear action plan - at the meeting, distribute who is responsible for what and in what time frame it is necessary to complete the tasks. Even the worst offenders tend to retreat in the face of positive peer pressure and mutual accountability.

In extreme cases, seek help

If a colleague regularly interferes with your work with attacks, and outside observers confirm the validity of your outrage, you will have to take decisive action. “If you have a common boss, ask him for help,” McKee says. Say something like this: “Many employees have noticed this person’s negative behavior, and I would like to talk about how it affects my work.”

True, there is a danger here, McKee warns: "Perhaps the aggressor has already misled your general leadership, and it does not notice anything wrong in his behavior, or is trying with all its might to evade the conflict and turn a blind eye to the situation."

Protect yourself

“When working as a team or as a couple, make sure you meet all commitments and deadlines,” Su says. - Duplicate important emails to other employees. Don't let the bully speak on your behalf or represent you in meetings. After the meeting, write down all agreements and an action plan."

McKee advises keeping a kind of diary: "Record specific behavior so that, if necessary, you have evidence at hand - you cannot argue with facts." She also recommends that you avoid working with the abuser whenever possible and keep communication to a minimum. If you still have to work with him, do it in a group format, where the aggressor will show more positive behavior. You may not be able to wean him from passive-aggressive habits, but you can control your reaction to him.

Remember the basic principles

What do we have to do

• Understand why people behave this way; most likely, their needs are not being met.
• Try to hear what the other person has to say, and don't be distracted by the form of expression, even if it is completely confusing.
• Consider if you yourself caused the problem.

What not to do

• Lose one's temper. Solve the problem calmly, speak to the point.
• To expose a person for passive-aggressive behavior will only make him even more angry.
• Hope you can change the behavior of the aggressor.

Harvard Business School has published a series of books on emotional intelligence. "Communication with Difficult People" is devoted to how to conduct a constructive dialogue when the other party does not want to or does not know how to do it. How to stay calm in a tense situation? How to deal with the aggression of interlocutors and respond to unpleasant comments? Tips and examples from the book will help you learn how to manage a conversation and protect yourself.