How to communicate with relatives during a feast and not go crazy

When forced to feign fun

An adult son is insistently asked to stand up and make a toast in front of everyone. They are trying to stir up the daughter-in-law to join the dance. The grandson, quietly sitting with a smartphone in the corner, becomes the object of universal indignation - how can social networks be more interesting than live communication?

In this situation, to close, as well as to follow the lead of relatives, means to close the circle of family misunderstanding with his own hand. It is important to be able to express your will and do it firmly and confidently, but at the same time gently and tactfully so as not to offend anyone.

A good way out is to remind of yourself as a separate person, to make it clear that you are uncomfortable, unpleasant from the situation, and you will not do this. Two or three times this kind of training, and relatives will begin to respect you and your personal boundaries.

Elena Zolotukhina

When awkward stories from your childhood are told

Memories of the tricks and mistakes you made when you were little seem funny only in close circle. And you can forgive the story for the hundredth time, unless distant relatives and friends of your parents, whom you do not even know, are making fun of you. It is especially unpleasant if your significant other is nearby, whom you invited to meet your family.

But the purpose of these stories is not always to offend someone. Sometimes they are told to find a topic for conversation, nostalgia or a joke. Yes, and your half is unlikely to be scared - for sure everyone at a young age had situations at which now you can only laugh. Therefore, do not be so hard on your loved ones and do not take everything personally.

Ilya Shabshin consultant psychologist, author of books, leading specialist of the Psychological Center on Volkhonka

The most important thing to do is to forgive yourself for any childish “sins”. Then the stories about them will not cling to you, will not cause an emotional reaction.

When taught to live

Advice that no one asked for is always annoying. Unsolicited instructions and teachings hurt even more, especially in a commanding tone. And usually the main, and sometimes the only, argument in favor of this is age.

Sometimes these teachings are motivated by the desire of parents for their children to achieve what they themselves did not succeed in. There is only one way out: remember yourself and feel free to remind others that you are an independent person with your own desires, needs and goals.

Another reason is banal self-affirmation. When children, nephews, grandchildren become adults, it is difficult to manage them. They achieve their own success, and the parent feels that he is, as it were, on a par with them and loses his authority.

In order not to spoil the mood of either yourself or others, it is important to learn how to properly respond to such attacks. Do not start an argument and do not try to prove something to someone - in the end this will only inflame the interlocutor, especially if there is alcohol on the table. And the festive feast will eventually end with an unpleasant conversation in a raised voice or even a quarrel.

When compared to those who have "done better"

Everyone has their own concept of success, but for some reason many people forget about it. Psychologists call comparison with others one of the most painful topics in dealing with relatives.

The thing is that from early childhood, many were set as an example of an older brother who brought excellent grades, or a colleague's daughter, who was a good girl and always obeyed her parents. This not only undermines self-esteem, but teaches us to constantly compare ourselves with others to determine who is "more successful."

To become insensitive to situations when, when meeting with relatives, they begin to compare you with someone, you must first of all eradicate this habit in yourself.

Ilya Shabshin

To adequately respond to criticism, you first need to learn to recognize and appreciate your own successes. Knowing your strengths and accomplishments at the right time will help you defend yourself and your dignity.

When the choice of profession is condemned

With the emergence of a huge number of Internet professions, it can be difficult for the older generation to explain what you do and why it is important. Indeed, in the days of their youth, such work simply did not exist. In other cases, comparisons with others are again used - in the size of the salary and the prestige of the profession. Moreover, the level of this prestige is often assessed by the relatives themselves.

Try to calmly explain what guided you in choosing your occupation. For example, the salary is not so important to you as the opportunity to do what you are really interested in. Or you don't imitate a familiar programmer because you see yourself working with children. The main thing is to accept your choice, learn to respect it yourself and stand firm on your own.

You can answer in different ways. For example: "I am satisfied with my work, and this is the most important thing" or "This is my choice, and everything suits me."

Ilya Shabshin

However, if a person is still in search of their life's work, such conversations can severely undermine self-esteem. The important thing here is to be honest with yourself, but not let anyone else judge your doubts and mistakes and try to influence your decisions.

When asked questions about personal life

Personal life is personal because you are not obliged to devote everyone to it, and even the closest relatives. You have every right not to answer such questions, without worrying that you will offend someone just by not satisfying his curiosity.

However, embarrassing stories about love affairs, hints that it would be nice to start a family, memories of past relationships, or even direct comparisons of former partners with the current second half often surface in the family circle. Keeping silent or showing aggression in such a situation is definitely not an option: it will become a reason for even more discussion. The ability to deftly laugh it off and change the subject will help.

When discussing appearance

If criticism of your appearance makes you ashamed or confused, you need to seriously think about your self-esteem. The choice of clothing style, length and hair color is purely your personal decision. And weight, height and external data in general should not be discussed at all, especially at the table.

It seems to your relatives that since they are close people to you, they have every right to express their opinion about your clothes, hairstyle and figure. It is worthwhile to delicately remind them that discussing the appearance of other people is at least indecent.

When deliberately trying to hurt

It happens that at family feasts you have to meet with those who are unpleasant to you with their behavior, remarks or barbs. And it would be good to avoid such gatherings. However, if your absence may offend someone you care about, do not sacrifice a warm relationship with loved ones.

Lyutsina Lukyanova psychotherapist, chief physician of the "Happiness" medical center

People who are trying to humiliate you or "put in place" also need to be put in place. In the same form as they are, but softer and more delicate making it clear that you can repay them with exactly the same coin.

Remember that if the person is trying to hurt you, there is probably something in their own situation that they are not comfortable with. It could be jealousy, bad mood, or a desire to attract attention. However, you must not tolerate humiliation. Do not be afraid to defend yourself and your opinion and do not let yourself spoil your holiday.