How to communicate with relatives if you don't like them

They live on the other side of the country, only a meticulous geneticist can find the relationship between you. These are generally strangers, with whom you would never have made friends, but they are your relatives, so you communicate with them. And they creep into your life, spoil your plans and mood. And only a family connection prevents you from forever abandoning communication with them. Although sometimes this is exactly what you need to do.

Life hacker tried to figure out what to do in such cases, and collected real stories from the lives of friends. They did not want to show their photos, but shared their experience of difficult communication with relatives.

Why can't you say no?

It seems that the problem of relatives is far-fetched. Well, who prevents you from refusing an uncomfortable request, making a remark in response to a tactless question, ignoring someone's rudeness?

People who can do this have no problems with their relatives. But more often it turns out that the most polite, educated and conscientious people suffer from kindred lawlessness. It is impossible to just take and say "no", the installations hammered into the head interfere:

They are relatives.
This is not accepted.
It is not polite.
You can't do that with your family.
Relatives need help.

Sound familiar? These are norms that are not easy to cross. Once upon a time, such an attitude towards the family was a guarantee of survival, and the memory of those times was preserved in upbringing and traditions.

But for some reason, annoying relatives can break unwritten laws.

Inna Semikasheva Ph. D. in Psychology, consultant psychologist, editor of the remote consulting website psi-center.ru

It's hard to say if it's worth maintaining relationships with people you don't like. For example, a family gathers at the same table on holidays, and among the relatives there is a person who is unpleasant to you (sister-in-law, cousin, brother-in-law - it does not matter). Then you need to try to somehow overcome your rejection, but this is usually not difficult, one evening you have enough strength to endure.

But if this communication becomes regular, then you should not force yourself. No family ties are worth our suppressed, unspoken emotions, which we have hidden under the guise of kindred love. This is a direct path to psychosomatics: hypertension, heart problems, gastrointestinal problems, or even worse.

Emotions will tell you whether to endure. Has your mood soured? Hands dropped and wanted to cry, although there is no reason? Is the irritation that you want to break something or scream? A wave of hatred rises from within, but it seems like a trifle has happened? These are the very signs when the psyche signals: something is going wrong. But we are rarely as sensitive to ourselves as we are to other people. Try to understand, not just your relatives, but yourself!

You have to realize: if a person behaves tactlessly and ugly, he was the first to go beyond family communication, so your polite "no" will not spoil the relationship in any way. Because there is nothing to spoil.

Easy to say, but how do you do it? Depends on what your relatives are doing.

Blackmail

Blackmail is more common in family life than in movies.

When relatives demand something from you in exchange for their favor, this is blackmail. For example, when an aunt bequeaths to you an apartment, but for living space you have to fight with other potential heirs, showing who loves your aunt more. Sometimes blackmail takes on especially perverted forms.

When Lesha was about to get married, he was told: Aunt Sveta bequeathed the apartment to her bride, so Aunt Sveta should be loved, respected, congratulated and invited to visit.

After the first meeting, it became clear that Aunt Sveta was a disaster. An impudent, ill-mannered lover of alcohol and scandals. She called late at night or during working hours to get a dose of attention and be sure to remind her that she must be obeyed.

Lyosha held out for two years, and then sent to Aunt Sveta at a well-known address. A week later, the apartment was rewritten to one of the more accommodating relatives.

Since then, Lyosha has not seen his aunt. And happy.

There is only one way to get rid of the blackmailer - to eliminate the subject of blackmail. If these are material values, then get your own.

It’s not easy, but our nerves and time are a much more valuable resource than money. It's worth trying for yourself.

Love claim

People who have invested in us demand the same in response. For example, they looked after children when they were young. But the children have grown up, and the elders demand love, respect and attention in return.

I raised you, I didn’t sleep nights because of you, and you go by train!

M / f "Holidays in Prostokvashino"

Relationship feelings are not given out in the hospital. And love is not a duty. But if you do not give your relatives what you want, pressure begins on the feeling of guilt, that is, conversations turn into the same blackmail, only emotional.

There is human gratitude, norms and traditions, conscience in the end, because of which you will not stop communicating. But no amount of commitment will make you love a person. Reduce communication to a state where your conscience is sleeping peacefully, and often remember that feelings do not appear on command.

Request for help or lend

"We're relatives." Under this pretext, most often they want money, services and any actions that will be paid for sometime later. If there will be. After all, a family tie in itself is a good price for any business (in their opinion).

It is difficult to refuse so as not to offend anyone. But there is a risk that they will sit on your neck.

Dima has a classic situation. Dima moved to Moscow. Guess what happened next? An invasion of distant relatives who gathered to live with him. When his uncle decided that Dima's apartment was the best place to look for work in the capital (there was no question of any compensation for the cost of rental housing or at least utility costs, of course), Dima rented another apartment and changed his phone number. Everything went well for six months, but recently the parents gave a new number to relatives who need to spend a few days in Moscow.

How to refuse relatives who are imposed with requests? Make them think they don't want your help.

For example, to voice the conditions on which you will do something.

Of course, come, you can immediately for a month, I have a problem with money, pay half the cost of housing. This is 15 thousand rubles.
I’ll help, of course, I’ll show you the city, only after midnight there’s not much work for us, and until midnight I’m busy.
Of course, I will lend money. When is it convenient for you to go to a notary and draw up a receipt?

Another way to refuse so as not to offend is to immediately ask for a return service, preferably the same. Only to indicate the time frame in which the relative will have to repay the "debt", preferably as soon as possible. No "sometime later".

Yes, I'll help you with the move, I'll just bring you a cat - I'm going on vacation, so look after the animal.
I set aside the money for repairs, I can lend you, but the repairs are already underway, so come take out the garbage instead of the movers, because now I don't have enough for movers.

Just keep in mind that such methods are not for healthy relationships and world peace.

Inna Semikasheva Ph. D. in Psychology, consultant psychologist, editor of the remote consulting website psi-center.ru

These examples do not sound like a polite "no", but something completely different, close to manipulation. And I suppose that in this case there will be many more offenses than if you directly refuse.

Rudeness

“Why don’t you have a car, you don’t know how to make money?”, “Why did you get into a mortgage, you don’t have an apartment?”, “Why are you not wearing a skirt?”, “Why don’t you have a fiancé?” ? - the content of the questions is different, the meaning is the same: look carefully how you live wrong, not like me (or my children).

And there is always a growing desire in my soul to cover this relative with a three-story mat, but the internal barriers are too strong.

Lena among her numerous relatives was something like an exhibition specimen. She studied perfectly and received medals and diplomas, which her parents constantly boasted about. Either for this reason, or for some other reason, but the relatives staged an unspoken competition "get Lena." They noticed any mistake. That dress is too boring, then I didn’t get married, then I went out, but not so, then something else. Already an adult Lena was asked that she would not give birth to a second child, after all, she was not small already.

Lena first asked why the aunt was so worried about this question: “Why are you asking? Do you think that my husband and I do not know how to have sex? Or would you like to remind us that we do not have enough funds? Or do you think that we have health problems, you want to hit the sore spot once again? What do you want to hear in response? Date of expected birth? Honestly?"

I received no answer, but they stopped asking.

Do not hold back, otherwise the dam will burst sooner or later, and this will lead to an emotional scandal. Say whatever you think, but no obscene language.

Inna Semikasheva Ph. D. in Psychology, consultant psychologist, editor of the remote consulting website psi-center.ru

An adult and correct method is to voice your feelings. Indeed, in this case, relatives are playing a game according to Eric Byrne: their "sweetness" is that they will annoy the person, but at the same time he will smile at them. You can take away the “candy” by saying directly: “Sorry, but it’s unpleasant for me when you talk about it (ask)”. And nothing more to explain. Looking into the eyes and in a calm tone. They won't climb anymore.

Unsolicited advice

This is a kind of rudeness, only a little more covered with care. Nobody asks questions, but everyone gives out advice that you don't need.

There are two ways to combat this form of compulsive attention. The first is to constantly smile and agree with wisdom, formally, of course. But this requires endurance and reinforced self-confidence, otherwise self-esteem will suffer. The second way is to give advice in return. Immediately, without waiting for a question.

Not a single family holiday for Alla was complete without advice on how to get married faster. Especially smartly tested methods were offered by women whose family life was far from ideal. When Alla got tired of nodding her head, she began to say that she had learned the exact recipe that would help cure her husband of alcoholism. Or that psychologists have discovered how to wean a man from cheating. After this, the counselors switch to complaints, and Alla can breathe easy.

Although if someone else's advice really hurts you, then perhaps this is a signal that relatives have hit the patient. Remember this moment and solve the internal problem, then related chatter will become indifferent.

Simplicity is worse than stealing

This includes a broad category of people who are poorly educated. "Achotakova?" is a common question when they see your pale face.

Until now, in her nightmares, Olga sees a huge tea set bought by a relative in a distant market. Otherwise, this service cannot be called sickening. From an unknown polymer, with "gold" and patterns that were supposed to mean "wealth." However, the relative did not peel off the price tag.

Olga was not offended. Well, this is a relative's idea of the beautiful. She wanted the best.

There are a lot of examples. These are obligatory congratulations on religious holidays from people who do not care that you are of a different religion (because there are no others in their world, they are not on purpose). Obligatory (and disgusting) birthday poems. Gifts on duty. Silly traditions.

As long as all this does not harm, forgive people for their minor flaws. Perhaps from their side you look like a snob and an asshole, which is no better.

Not all relatives are friends

Someone might think that all native people are presumptuous boors who are just waiting for the moment to hit the patient. Of course it is not. But with really close people, in fact, close ones, such problems do not arise.

Although annoying relatives are an indicator of how you feel about yourself. If you cannot calmly say “no” or stop an unpleasant conversation, think: what is stopping you? Why do you obey other people's attitudes and tolerate attacks in your direction? How deep is your self-esteem and confidence buried if you're not ready to let it go? Answering these questions will help more than blacklisting relatives.