REVIEW: The Perfectionist Paradox, Tal Ben-Shahar

We are taught from childhood that we must be impeccable - to study ideally, to work ideally, to create an ideal family. We want to be No. 1 in everything. We want to be in time everywhere. Indeed, in the modern world, if you do not have time, then you have lost. Perhaps that is why there are so many unhappy people in the world.

At least, it is in this maladaptive perfectionism that the author of this book, one of the leading experts in the field of happiness, Tal Ben-Shahar, sees the cause of dissatisfaction with his life.

Tal Ben-Shahar's new book is about perfectionism. He revealed a surprising paradox: people striving for excellence are often successful, but rarely happy.

Of course, striving for excellence in itself is not a bad thing, as it encourages people to work hard and achieve great results. Problems begin when this urge goes to extremes.

In this regard, psychologists distinguish between negative (or maladaptive) and positive (adaptive) perfectionism. The latter Ben Shahar calls optimalism.

Perfectionism vs Optimalism

The author identifies 3 aspects of perfectionism (denial of failure, denial of negative emotions and denial of success) and contrasts them with 3 aspects of optimalism (admitting failure, accepting negative emotions and accepting success).

Both the perfectionist and the optimalist pursue their goals, but in different ways.

For the perfectionist, the path to a goal is a straight line. And he expects the road to be flat. He is so fixated on the task at hand that he does not notice anything around (family, friends …). The perfectionist is guided by the "all or nothing" principle: the hero reaches the goal, no, the worthless loser. He is very strict, always looking for flaws in everything, and does not forgive mistakes, especially to himself. The perfectionist is terribly afraid that there will be irregularities in his ideal path and he will fail. Fear makes you “defend” - no criticism.

All this leads to numbness. The perfectionist mindset is extremely conservative. Fear of failure (only losers lose) leads to fear of change.

The path of the optimist is completely different - it is a tangled tangle of failures and successes, a chaotic curve like a spiral. He knows that there can be unexpected and not always pleasant turns on the way to the goal, but it's great. After all, it is not the goal as such that is important to him - he enjoys the process of achieving it. The Optimalist does not look for disadvantages, but focuses on the merits. But this does not mean that he is blind to the negative, he just knows how to forgive mistakes. He is open to advice and understands that constructive criticism helps him become better.

Thanks to this, the optimist has a flexible mind. He easily adapts to new circumstances, overcomes difficulties. By admitting that the goal can be reached in different ways, the Optimalist is open to new opportunities.

The emotional life of the perfectionist and the optimalist is also very different.

Perfectionism: Denying Negative Emotions

According to the perfectionist's expectations, happiness is an endless stream of positive emotions. Feelings such as fear, anger, longing seem alien to him. He does not understand that a happy person is also from time to time afraid, angry and bored. Therefore, the perfectionist rejects negative feelings.

In contrast, the Optimalist allows himself to experience the full range of emotions, realizing that without tears and suffering, it is impossible to deeply experience happiness.

Surprisingly, an outwardly successful perfectionist actually rejects success in every possible way. He is never happy with the results, he always thinks that he could have done better. Therefore, having barely reached the goal, he immediately sets a new one. As a result, all his activities are Sisyphean labor.

The Optimalist, on the other hand, is focused on success. His life, like the life of a perfectionist, is full of battles, but he knows how to enjoy the process, learn from his mistakes. Having achieved success, the optimalist is sincerely happy, because he does not take it for granted - this is a reward for work.

These three aspects, according to Tal Ben-Shahar, lead to a key difference between the perfectionist and the optimalist. What is it like? I will not say that. You can think about it yourself in the comments, or better - read the book.

General impressions

The book is divided into three parts. The first, theoretical, talks about the differences between the perfectionist and the optimalist and the consequences of these differences (described above is just the tip of the iceberg).

The second and third parts have a practical focus, in which Ben-Shahar discusses how to turn a perfectionist into an optimalist. That is why these sections of the book seemed to me more interesting, read faster, evoked a greater response.

In general, it should be noted that the Perfectionist Paradox is a practical guide for those who want to work on themselves and bring happiness into their lives. In each chapter, you will find reasoning “warm-ups” and psychological exercises.

This is the second book by Tal Ben Shahar that has fallen into my hands. Therefore, I assumed that the story would be easy and fun. I was not mistaken. The author is a great storyteller. He illustrates most of the maxims with examples from his own life, which creates the feeling of a personal conversation, a dialogue with eye to eye.

I recommend reading the book to those who make tremendous efforts (in work, study, relationships), but do not feel happy. Perhaps the very paradox of the perfectionist lurks in you.

But, like the author, I warn you: there is no person who is 100% perfectionist or optimalist. At different moments of life, at different stages of life, we can behave in different ways. But one must always remember that optimalism is the ideal to which one must strive.