How to survive in the modern world if you are a perfectionist

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Perfectionism is a force that can make a person move to new heights. But at the same time, being a perfectionist means constantly suffering from your own imperfection and fear of not achieving what you want. So what can be done?

Striving for excellence can be amazing, delightful, and rewarding to human potential. Perfectionism is a game of snooker with a maximum break of 147 points, the story "The Death of Ivan Ilyich" by Tolstoy, the gold Olympic medal for jumping into the water from ten meters, "St. Matthew Passion" by Bach, pavilion Mies van der Rohe (Ludwig Mies van der Rohe) in Barcelona…

Perfectionism can manifest itself in any area of life, but in some areas it is most noticeable.

1. Material sphere

It can be the pursuit of an absolutely clean, harmonious and beautiful environment. For example, an impeccable kitchen or a serene living room. Or it may be an office in which all the sockets and wires are hidden, there is not a single extra piece of paper on the desktop, and there is a drawer for each item.

2. Relationships

There is also a deep pursuit of excellence in the romantic realm. This is a strong desire to be fully understood by another person who has beauty, intelligence, high spiritual qualities and kindness. We can dream of a perfect family where children get along well with each other, share everything with their parents, and do their homework with enthusiasm.

3. Art

In art, too, you can feel the power of perfectionism. We want to paint a picture that perfectly conveys the mood. Take a photo that expresses a certain experience. Write a story, reading which you can visit a specific place.

The natural mechanism of perfectionism

We become perfectionists because our imaginations are able to masterfully recreate improved lifestyles. And in some situations it is useful and even necessary. We need the ability to imagine good scenarios in order to gain energy and focus on executing them. So, in the early stages of human history, people had to use their imaginations and imagine things in order to survive: the necessary supply of drinking water, a way to protect themselves from wild animals at night …

Ideally, the imagination should fuel ambition that is within practical reach, and that's it. But in reality, the imagination goes beyond these limits. It is ill-suited to an objective assessment of our abilities and how welcoming the outside world will respond to our desires.

We seem to be endowed with a mechanism by nature that is beneficial for the species as a whole, but does not provide much benefit to the individual.

Like a salmon that jumps out of the water to overcome waterfalls, we are programmed to do certain things (succeed, win, master) that are not related to our abilities.

Nature doesn't care that we are not able to write an outstanding sonata or come up with an original business idea. Imagination cannot affect our abilities. By the way, only one salmon in a thousand reaches the end point of its journey.

Part of the blame lies with the modern structure of the world. Until recently, ambition worried few. And then America came along. Since the 1940s, the American Dream in all its various forms has been actively spreading around the world. More and more people believe that everyone can achieve career heights, material well-being and a happy family life; that sexual relations have been possible with the same person for decades; that all neighbors can be good friends; that children respect and value their parents. The American Dream has broadened the possibilities of happiness and at the same time added the problems of perfectionism.

Perfectionism has spread to those spheres of human activity in which perfection cannot be achieved by following universal rules: they simply do not exist. However, a certain concept of the norm has appeared, and a person perceives everything that does not fit into it as a failure.

The pursuit of excellence is essential

Usually, articles on perfectionism immediately stipulate that in real life, the pursuit of perfection only hinders and therefore should be abandoned. And a perfectionist is most often called a person whom they want to criticize for ridiculous, unnecessarily high standards for themselves and others. Perfectionism finds itself on the same line with fussiness, pedantry or obsession.

But perfectionism isn't always a bad thing. And what is most surprising, when we are faced with things that seem perfect to us, like, say, the music of Bach or the villa of Palladio (Andrea Palladio), we do not call their creators perfectionists.

You just need to approach the understanding of perfectionism a little differently. First you need to know how much effort it will take to make something work well. In cultures like ours, which usually try to please the consumer, the suffering of the creator is reliably hidden from prying eyes. A restaurant visitor will never know how many nights the chef has not slept worrying about new dishes on the menu. The child has no idea of the effort, doubt and anxiety that his parents have to deal with. We don't think about the difficulties we face in the cockpit, in the factory or in the conference room.

Only when we embark on the path from an ordinary consumer to a creator, we understand how complex everything actually works. And that, perhaps, our efforts and abilities will not be enough.

Good perfectionism means the ability to endure the agony of imperfection - of yourself and those around you - over a long period of time. Success implies the need to forgive yourself for the horrors of the first draft.

We need this kind of patience when it comes to love. The enraged perfectionist sometimes tries to break out, but no one has ever changed, if you call him unpleasant words and slam the door in front of your nose. Of course, sometimes disappointment in a partner can be so great that you can lose your composure. This can end with a cry, although you just need to patiently and calmly explain your point of view. For a perfectionist, a good decision is not to give up your attachment, but to learn to explain your motives and emotions, to share them. It's just that sometimes it is difficult for a perfectionist to put himself in the shoes of another person who is less striving for perfection.

Influencing another, trying to make him better is a matter that requires huge reserves of kindness, patience and gentleness. And you must admit, this is much more difficult than being punctual or keeping the kitchen perfectly clean.

When to give up perfectionism

The trick is that when something is good enough, you have to be able to admit it. Perfectionists, on the other hand, often continue to strive for an unattainable ideal. This is how they feel: “If I am late, the whole meeting will be ruined. If the car is scratched, I will not be able to enjoy driving. If the room is a mess, I will feel uncomfortable."

To cope with the problem, you need to understand that, despite some imperfection, something can continue to be attractive.

Getting rid of perfectionism isn't easy if it's second nature. But three things can help you with this …

1. Statistics and observation

Since only success stories usually appear in the media, you need to look for more objective information. Couples break up, business failures, good people become desperate - you need to understand why this is happening.

2. Sense of humor

In Woody Allen's films Mr. Hulot's Vacation or Annie Hall, the characters are far from perfect, but overall they are good people who deserve love and sympathy. We laugh at them not out of contempt, but because we are fascinated by them. A fool bumps into a door, a girl refuses a botanist, someone gets fired, a vacation is going badly - and yet we don't feel overwhelmed. Humor helps us see that everything doesn't have to be perfect to have fun.

3. Friends with whom you can talk frankly about failure

We pay too high a price for our secrecy. We are in a glossy world where being a normal person means being successful. We don't want to look stupid, we don't want people to talk about our failures. But in most situations, failure is the norm, and our adversity is very common. To learn to live in peace with yourself, you need to acknowledge your own imperfection.