Competition in the family: why it arises and how to get out of such a scenario

Mom raised Innochka without a father in times of scarcity and cronyism. Chinese dresses, German boats, piano lessons with Sofya Izrailevna, fresh cucumbers in winter from Vagiz on Dorogomilovsky, inyaz and first internships in London. She tried, she pampered, she dreamed. Not a bearded gadget dealer, but a son-in-law named James, red-haired but promising.

Mom replaced Inna's father, now she is trying to replace her husband. Recently I invited my daughter to leave work and take care of herself. It was said: “I will provide you! I have savings. They will last for a long time. Needless to say, Innochka is a completely independent adult woman, head of a department in a large museum. But the mother does not notice the success of her daughter and is trying to compete with might and main for the role of the head of the family.

Why does family competition arise?

There is no one rule for all families: it’s so good, but this is what you do “not in a human way”. In our time, everyone sets the concept of the norm for himself: someone prefers the patriarchal model, someone stands for equality of partners, someone in the family has always been led by women.

Any approach in which the family overcomes crises and develops further is considered a worker. Young people got married and immediately agreed on who performs what responsibilities around the house. For example, the wife is preparing dinner, the husband is washing the dishes. The floor is washed on Saturdays in turn.

Family development stages and crises

Monad is a lonely independent person living separately.
Dyad - a couple begins to live together and agree on the rules of cohabitation. First crisis.
The triad is the birth of a child. Second crisis.
The birth of the second child. Third crisis.
Children go out into the outside world (kindergarten, school). Family crisis.
Teenage crisis.
Children begin to live separately from their parents. A crisis.
The eighth stage is symmetrical to the second: the elderly couple find themselves together again. A crisis.
The ninth stage corresponds to the first. One of the spouses dies. The family life cycle ends.

If the spouses were unable to smoothly move from one stage of family development to another, to cope with new roles, then a problem arises.

For example, a couple had a child. The first crisis: the young are now not just husband and wife, but also parents. However, the man was brought up so that caring for a baby is an exclusively female purpose. And the wife does not agree: she believes that the partners should bear responsibilities on an equal footing. They cannot agree, a struggle for power arises: “Who is in charge in the family? Whose opinion will be decisive?"

A parent support group joins. For Russian families, in general, multi-generationalism is characteristic - when grandmother and grandfather, young spouses and their children live under the same roof. Or, for example, the newlyweds have moved, but the emotional connection with their parents is still strong, and at every step they need the approval of the older generation. The boundaries of an individual family in such conditions are blurred, the roles of its members are confused. Where it is necessary to negotiate not two, but several people, there is always a risk of competition.

Who can compete with whom in the family and what to do about it

Mother-in-law and son-in-law

The case with Innochka is a classic of the rivalry between husband and mother in the style of "Who will take better care of my daughter?"Usually, this stereotype of interaction can be observed when a woman is raising a child alone. Or there was a husband, but was not included in the upbringing: for example, he drank heavily or had an affair on the side, and the child served the mother as a joy.

The mother-in-law is trying to regain the status of an almighty mother, depriving her son-in-law of the opportunity to perform some marital functions. In this family, it is customary that the husband earns money for expensive things. He also carries out minor repairs around the house and purchases groceries. But my mother ignores these rules and gives her daughter money: "Come on, buy yourself a normal fur coat, otherwise you always go around in jackets." He drags home heavy bags and calls the plumber to fix the tap. That is, it demonstrates to other members of the family that she is in charge, without her everyone will be lost - she is competing for first place.

The way a mother actively allows herself to participate in the life of an adult and independent daughter means that she has not passed the seventh stage of family development.

The daughter grew up, got married, separated physically and mentally. But my mother cannot switch to the monad stage, because “All the best for children” has always been the motto of her life.

Another option for the development of the problem: the daughter has claims to her husband that she does not dare to voice, and the mother, being unable to endure the “daughter’s suffering,” becomes the “mouthpiece” of family negotiations.

What to do if you know your family

For spouses:

Strengthen your union and build a strong marital coalition.
Express mutual expectations and claims, if any.
Agree on the distribution of roles, who does what, and for what is responsible.
Accept the rules by which the family lives anyway.
Outline the boundaries of the family, beyond which the invasion of even the closest relatives is not allowed.
Discuss where the mother-in-law's help is needed and delegate these functions to her. For example, taking your grandchildren to class, baking apple pie on Fridays, or tending your garden at your dacha. It is imperative to praise for her contribution, but not as the head of the family, but as an assistant.

To wife:

To raise the husband's marital status, his authority. For example, give him the right to make the final decision on some issues or transfer responsibility for home improvement: “I have to discuss this with my husband before making a decision”, “Do you like wallpaper? Kolya chose it himself,”and so on.
More often give mom a "day off", arrange a visit to the cinema or theater. Then she will have new topics for peaceful conversations, and the spouses will have the opportunity to do something together, without outside interference.

Father-in-law and son-in-law

The situation may seem similar to the point above, but here the main question is "Who is the real man in the family?" The efficiency of a spouse is assessed by his "masculine" actions. Don't you drink? Ulcer. Don't you fish? Weak. Couldn't assemble the closet yourself? Krivoruky. This masculinity is dictated by the patriarchal way of life, familiar to older generations.

As in the case of the mother-in-law, the father-in-law can broadcast the wife's unspoken claims to the son-in-law. For example, a young woman got used to the fact that her father always made repairs in her parents' house. And here in the kitchen the tiles fell off, but the husband did not react in any way, although in her understanding he should. Then the father demonstrates the model of behavior of a "real man".

What to do if you know your family

For spouses:

Outline the boundaries of the family, beyond which the invasion of even the closest relatives is not allowed.
Discuss the possibilities of attracting the father to the arrangement of life in the home of the young. If the husband doesn't mind, let Dad fix the taps and lay the tiles.

To wife:

Discuss the accumulated claims with your husband.
Make a list of things for which she respects her spouse, and voice it. Do not forget to praise your husband and thank you for what you have done.

Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

The struggle for primacy between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is found everywhere. One of the most popular questions on women's forums is "How to put a mother-in-law in her place?" The conflict reaches its climax if a young family lives in the husband's house.

As in romance novels, the struggle here is for the first place in the heart of a common man. The mother-in-law raised the ideal and did it, of course, for herself. In her opinion, a son is a god, and a worthy woman on earth does not exist for him. Therefore, there are always reasons for dissatisfaction. If a couple moves out and begins an independent life, various tricks are used to lure the son out of the family nest.

The mother-in-law begins to suffer from pressure and migraines, together with this, her house is magically destroyed: the chandelier burns out, the washing machine breaks down, floods the neighbors. The young husband has to give up his business and go to save his mother.

As a rule, such mothers-in-law are of the type of women whose children make up the whole meaning of life. The desire to control her son is heightened when the mother perceives his independence as a threat to herself.

Another reason for the confrontation between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law may lie in the husband's dissatisfaction with his wife. The mother expresses what the son does not dare to voice. Or it is painful for him to be in the company of his wife, and mother's requests for help are a good reason for absence.

What to do if you know your family

For spouses:

Strengthen the marital coalition, discuss unspoken grievances, formulate family rules, stipulate boundaries - where and to what extent you accept someone's help.
Clearly distribute household responsibilities in case of cohabitation.

To husband:

Mark the boundaries of your new family in conversation with your mom. To say frankly that, they say, I love you very much, mom, and I am always ready to help, but let's decide on which days it is convenient for me to help, and on which it is enough to call. And if we need something, I will immediately inform you about it!
Focus your mom's energy on helping the family do other things. For example, to cook dinner if the young people themselves do not have time, to go with the child to the clinic or to the circle - to find such a thing so that the mother felt needed, but at the same time provided assistance only upon request and did not interfere with the rules of someone else's family.
Organize your mom's favorite hobby so that she has a place to spend her free time.

Husband and wife

Competition between spouses arises from the inability to negotiate. Since childhood, we have not been taught to discuss issues in pairs. My parents had this: we got married, now we are saving up for a Zhiguli, then for a color TV and a sofa. The rival was not inside the family, but outside: it was necessary to live "no worse than others." This is not the time for heart-to-heart talk.

The shortage of goods is long in the past, but the shortage of communication remains. It is still not customary to discuss painful issues in some families - it seems that everything is clear.

By default, the rule of "must" comes into effect, adopted from parental families: the wife should do this, and the husband should do that. Therefore, competition often arises in the categories of archaic distribution of roles - in matters of money and raising children: "You are not only a bankrupt man, but also a bad husband", "You are not only a slut wife, but also a worthless mother."

In one of the couples that I observed, it came to a divorce because the wife, without consulting her husband, bought herself a car. The husband took her independence as a personal insult and was about to leave. And if they had initially agreed on how decisions on large purchases should be made, the problem would not have arisen.

In a family where there is no competition, each clearly fulfills the responsibilities assumed, without controlling the other. Because the manifestation of control can be counted as an attempt to demonstrate their own superiority: "Do you remember that you need to change the tires today?" The subtext of the message is: “You can't cope without me, because you always forget everything. I always remember what needs to be done. I'm more efficient."

What to do if you know your family

Discuss responsibilities and divide the spheres of influence of everyone in the family.
Write an agreement on paper that clearly states what the wife does, what the husband does. And if he doesn't, then the other sits and waits. I wanted to prove something to my partner - do 10 squats, go about your duties, but do not climb where the other is in charge.

Sister-in-law and daughter-in-law

The history of the complex relationship between the sister of a husband and wife has more than one hundred years. People say: "Sister-in-law is a snake head." Here you can draw an analogy with the mother-in-law, but in this case there is a struggle not for the heart of a common man, but for the competence of women: "Who knows better how?.."

The older sisters, who coddled their younger brother and replaced his mother while she was at work, show the greatest rage towards the rival.

The sister-in-law, unlike the mother-in-law, does not consider her brother an ideal man, but considers herself an ideal woman. Therefore, the struggle for power can be established around culinary skills, teaching skills and other talents, which in our culture are considered exclusively female.

Nevertheless, one should not write off the correctness of the sister-in-law on some issues. Perhaps she expresses the dissatisfaction that her husband does not dare to voice to his wife.

What to do if you know your family

For spouses:

Work on communication methods in pairs. Look for constructive ways to express dissatisfaction with each other.
Establish clear boundaries of the new family and possible reactions to outside interference.
To diversify the conduct of joint leisure.
Strengthen the conjugal union where "husband and wife are one Satan."

To husband:

Learning to express criticism of your wife in a way that doesn't sound offensive or damaging to your relationship.
Accept your new role as head of the household and stop being a member of the “branch” of the parental family.

To wife:

I am happy to do what is better than my husband's sister.
To concede to the sister-in-law the primacy in matters where she copes more effectively.

Parent and child

Competition between the child and one of the spouses signals a pathological process in the conjugal interaction. In a functional family, there are horizontal coalitions: husband and wife, mother and father, child and child. When the emotional distance between spouses increases, a dysfunctional vertical coalition of parent and child emerges. The latter becomes a consolation for a spouse who is going through hard times in a couple.

For example, the husband has problems with alcohol or he often disappears at work, the wife does not have enough communication, and she begins to build an alliance with the child: she discusses financial and domestic problems with him, scolds the father of the family for insolvency. This emotional bond can become stronger than the marital bond.

The child who is assigned a new role feels chosen and needed. Now he is not just the youngest member of the family, but his mother's support. A daughter or son is trying to prove that they are more valuable, skillful and capable than a detached spouse.

Sooner or later, the rivalry becomes mutual. It can manifest itself openly. For example, an unlucky father tells his son: “You have hook hands, you cannot do anything normally. At your age, I already earned a bicycle.” Such a comparison restores justice to the parent by returning what is "due."

Also, rivalry can be expressed in disguise. The mother is always busy at work, the father, who comes home no later than seven in the evening, has dinner with his daughter, and they have a heart-to-heart talk. The next morning, the mother asks the girl: "Won't you freeze in this jacket?" Behind the innocent question lies the desire to show your superiority: “I know better than you what to wear in bad weather. You will be lost without me."

This kind of competition is the most dangerous for the family. As a rule, all members are satisfied with the current state of affairs, and if the functional role of the second spouse is removed from the child, then the family will break up without the help of a psychologist.

What to do if you know your family

Re-create your coalition, find positive experiences in the past when you have successfully fulfilled your marital roles.
Make a list of family roles where spouses perform their functions and children perform theirs.
Speak out feelings, grievances and complaints.
If necessary, consult a family psychologist or sex therapist.

Sibling children

Siblings are brothers and sisters who were born into the same family. Sibling competition is one of the most common causes of parent anxiety and counseling. Usually, anxiety is caused by the aggression that the older child shows towards the younger.

Jealousy is at the heart of sibling competition. For an older child, who is used to being the center of parental attention and affection, the birth of a baby is not a joyful event.

With a new family member, you have to share not only the love of your parents, but also a room, toys, things. The elder has to be forced to master a new role - an adult and independent child, and sometimes a nanny. From here comes resentment, difficulty, and rivalry.

It is impossible to completely eliminate competition between siblings. But a few recommendations will help reduce confrontation between children.

What to do if you know your family

As much as possible, clearly divide the living space of children, so that each of them has their own place for solitude - what is called privacy in English.
Explain to the younger child that you need to respect the territory of the elder, you cannot take his toys and other things without permission.
Teach children to express their emotions verbally, negotiate, ask for forgiveness.
Distribute the responsibilities of children in such a way that they achieve success in different areas and receive praise from their parents for their own achievements.
Use the older child as an example to emphasize his authority.
Increase the amount of time spent with a senior. For example, the youngest child is asleep, and the mother draws with the older one or reads books.
Find a joint activity for all family members where healthy competition can be manifested. For example, board games on weekends.

Lost child and living child

In a special category, it is worth making the situation when one of the children dies, and then the second child has the function of a substitute. The atmosphere in the family, where the loss has not been grieved, is filled with grief for many years after the tragedy. Parents unconsciously compare a living child with a dead child, cultivating hidden competition. Thus, the deceased plays the role of an invincible rival, forcing a brother or sister to bear a heavy emotional burden.

A “substitute” child cannot be himself. Such children are usually withdrawn and lonely. They have a heightened sense of guilt for their lives: both before their parents and before the deceased. As adults, they often say that they are "living life outside of their body."

What to do if you know your family

To speak of a deceased child not as an abstract ideal, but as a real person with all the advantages and disadvantages.
Use alternative means of expressing mental pain: through drawing, dancing, music, poetry. Creativity is good at helping to express and materialize unconscious feelings and emotions, even in adulthood.
See a psychologist to work with the experience of loss.