9 phrases you should never say to your parents

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Learn how to better understand your loved ones and improve their well-being with just words.

We have nowhere to wait for help, so sooner or later we are left alone with elderly parents, not knowing how to behave. Perhaps this list of stop phrases can help you improve your relationship with your family.

1. I am fired from my job, and mortgages are another 800 thousand

At first glance, this is more than an adequate phrase in a conversation with parents. But the average pension Pensions of non-working pensioners of the Jewish Autonomous Region will increase from January 1, 2018 in Russia - 13,600 rubles (even less for women).

Even if you're 40 and your beard is thicker than your mom's, your parents still treat you like a child to be helped. But they most likely cannot really help you.

And it doesn't matter that you didn't ask for help directly: any of your problems provokes them to find a solution. The lack of this opportunity is very pressing. This idea came to the writer Sasha Galitsky, who, after the death of his parents, began working in a nursing home and has been doing this for 15 years. He believes that the level of life satisfaction among older people is almost directly dependent on how much they can help their children.

So he advises you to stop telling elderly relatives about serious problems just like that: you probably have someone else to speak out, and for them it will become an unbearable burden.

2. I will do it myself much faster, you better do not get in the way

In many cases, older parents really need help. But if a person can still do something on his own, you need to give him that opportunity.

Even if you are on the verge of a heart attack from the way your 70-year-old mom climbs on a ladder to tie an apple tree, drink valerian and let her do it. If your mother is objectively not worth the risk, you need to show patience and imagination in order to distract her from this apple tree and tie the tree up on her own when she drinks tea in the house.

Yes, this is deception and manipulation, but it is better to let the mother feel independent and needed than locked in an aging body and devoid of self-esteem.

3. Aunt Masha goes to the pool twice a week, and you sit at home

This was also noticed by Sasha Galitsky: there is no need to try to change your parents. First, it is not possible. Secondly, you yourself probably wanted full acceptance from them, without comparisons with your neighbor's excellent student. And they want the same attitude. Third, your parents probably have interests. Most likely, their implementation is hampered by the fifth floor and a broken elevator or a new residential complex in the neighborhood, because of which the Lenin Palace of Culture, where your dad went to backgammon tournaments, was closed.

Instead of trying to get loved ones to take action with hurtful comparisons, find out or remember their interests and hobbies and help with deeds. Yes, this will probably take some extra time from you, but since you have started commenting, be prepared to find it.

4. Yes, of course, I'm a lousy father! Only you know and can do everything with us

The phrase can be replaced with any other aggressive one and … try to completely exclude it from conversations.

Aggression in older people comes from dissatisfaction with themselves. When you accept the reason for the aggression, when you smile at an elderly relative and do not respond to his attacks, the aggression subsides. If he answered, he was gone.

Sasha Galitsky writer, 15 years working in a nursing home

It is important for all of us to experience emotions, but when life becomes more static, and our own body fails every day, it becomes more difficult to experience various emotions. Galitsky, for example, said that once in front of the building, ambulance workers were busy with a fallen man, and his wards dragged chairs from the rooms, put them on the balcony and spent half the morning on them - all for the sake of emotions and topics for future conversations.

And one 92-year-old woman who loves to carve wood, asked Galitsky to help her with a large sculpture, almost full-length. All the time she worked, she complained to other old people in the house that he had given her such hard work on purpose to torment her.

Of course, it is very difficult not to respond to the attacks of loved ones, who sometimes do not skimp on expressions. They know us, know our weak points and hit them aptly. Galitsky advises to hold out for a couple of seconds, without answering anything, learn to change the subject imperceptibly and remember: “We have no opponents - there are old people close to us. There is no one to be offended at."

5. In the sense of "when will I die" ?! Don't say that anymore

It is important for a person to be able to talk about his death, because it is at least inevitable, at most - it will come unexpectedly.

How, where, to what music to bury you, what will happen to the cat and who will get the apartment - you should decide all this for yourself, and not pass the responsibility onto your next of kin. And best of all, when you do this before old age: when you have no real fears about your death, but there is time and financial opportunity to solve most of the issues in advance.

In Russian realities, this is still a rarity. As a rule, we are confident that our funeral is not our concern, but the responsibility of our children.

The first time we think about the fact that it would be nice to give our loved ones instructions that take into account our wishes, already when we are over 70. And we run into a wall of misunderstanding: adult children do not even want to hear that we can die.

If your mother wants to discuss which flowers from her plantations will get to which neighbor, insists on cremation and has saved up money for the family crypt - listen without interrupting.

Don't dismiss her words as negative thoughts that she doesn't need right now. It is difficult for you to listen, but it is important for her to say this, this is her future, her to-do-list, take it seriously.

6. I don't need your 500 rubles, I won't buy anything with them, keep it for yourself

This stop phrase is from the category of those that painfully hit relatives on the most important thing for them - the feeling of need and strength. Have you seen the prices of medicines? If, in addition to spending on them, rent and food, your parents still have the opportunity to foist at least 500 rubles on you, this is a victory for them.

If you think that this is a big blow to your family's budget, take the money, say thank you, and in a day bring them food for this amount or throw it on your parents' phone.

7. Stop telling me for the 10th time this story about Aunt Valya, the fence and what was better in the USSR

Yes, listening can be tiring, but you would be happy to tell new stories every day, but finding them is a problem.

If your parents live in a residential area of an average Russian city, then nothing happens around them.

Gossip overheard on a bench near the entrance, and an eventful past - this is all the wealth of topics that can be shared with you. And if the fence is repaired, and Aunt Valya goes on vacation, then you will be able to notice in your direction a triple number of attacks, barbs and nasty things - you have to fill in the emotional gaps.

Be patient and listen to the same story for the hundredth time, and next week take your parents to the theater, circus, aquarium, outdoor cinema - and the cycle of stories will change for the next month. And also keep in mind that our memory is steadily deteriorating over the years, so your parents may simply forget that they have already told you this story.

8. Stop getting up at 4 in the morning, you prevent everyone from sleeping

It has been proven by Grandma's insomnia might be a product of evolution that age-related changes in sleep and wakefulness are a product of evolution, and older family members do not sleep well to protect the peace and safety of others.

This may be a confirmation of another theory of Chronotype variation drives night-time sentinel-like behavior in hunter – gatherers in science - the “grandmothers hypothesis”. It is believed that the presence of females that long outlive their reproductive age (only humans, some primates, elephants and whales have such) helps the species to survive and evolve. "Grandmothers" take care of the babies and teach them, while the younger individuals are busy foraging and breeding.

So your mom hasn't been wandering around since 4 in the morning to annoy you. She really slept, and this feature was given to her by nature.

You can offer her the most silent lesson, which she will start after waking up or put thick interior doors, but there is no point in scolding mom, she is not on purpose.

9. Do you buy fresh vegetables? Is the yogurt not expired?

Claire asked Julia if she was glad that her daughter had moved and now lives very close. And I heard in response: “Glad, but … When Brenda visits me, it seems that she did not come to see me, but with an inspection: is the apartment dirty? Is the yoghurt expired in the fridge? It’s like I’m taking an exam all the time.”

Another elderly friend told Claire that in a conversation with children, God forbid she forget what date it is, or not immediately find the right word. If this happens, "they exchange long, meaningful glances." Therefore, when meeting with children, she is terribly nervous and looks for excuses to see them less often.

These are stories from an article in the American magazine The Atlantic, which Ksenia Churmanteeva translated for the book of Sasha Galitsky. It tells the story of a study by two sociologists who asked older people what they want from their children.

Parents expressed a strong desire to be autonomous while still remaining in touch with their older children and receiving help from them when needed.

Elderly parents want to be independent, they do not like obsessive custody from their children, and they use a variety of coping strategies: they do not tell their children about their problems, try to minimize their help, ignore or resist attempts to control their lives.

As a person gets older, the most frightening feeling is the feeling of helplessness. When your parents resist your attempts to impose help on them, they just want to take back control of their lives.

Stephen Zarit Professor of Anthropology

“If you tell your father that he shouldn't be cleaning the snow himself, that is probably wise. But he will still take up the shovel, because that is his decision. What you think is old man's stubbornness is independence for your aging father,”says Professor Zarit. He advises grown-up children not to get into arguments or force their parents to go on the defensive: “Just throw in the idea and back off. Take a break and come back to the conversation later. Be patient.