How to stop harassing and start caring

Why this topic needs to be discussed

The 2010s became, in a sense, revolutionary for Russia. Not the same as 100 years ago: this time it was not the political system that changed, but the approach to human rights. They began to seriously discuss such phenomena as modern slavery and domestic violence. Sexual harassment was not ignored either. And this topic turned out to be very difficult.

The fact is that harassment is not only a physical impact, when the victim is pinched, touched against her will, and interferes with the passage. These are dubious compliments or jokes, obsessive unwanted attention, and much more. But there is no compliment inspection to determine exactly what can and cannot be said. And in general, this is for the best. On the other hand, it creates a huge gray area that is not easy to get out of.

The perception of a given gesture is greatly influenced by society and its attitudes. For example, in Russia there are big problems with personal boundaries, respect for someone else's "no" and the culture of expressing one's feelings. We were drummed from childhood that if they pull your braids or hit you on the head with a briefcase, they just show signs of attention. The person who did this was most often not told anything. As a result, all this turns into "Come on, it's just that he is what to take from him" for the first and "I didn't want anything bad" for the second.

Perceptual skew does not turn harassment into something else, and it can still be traumatic.

It's just that the victim will have no one to ask for help, because supposedly nothing terrible has happened to her.

Also, our culture is full of illusions that someone's love can be achieved. You were told "no", and you wait at the door, fill up with messages, shower with gifts. It seems that the gestures from the outside seem to be positive. But this is persecution, since it is committed against the will of the addressee. Even if you give him diamonds and a million dollars.

This is all used by those who do not want to give up the harassment. Their main arguments are: "How then to get acquainted and start a relationship?" and "What, you can't say a compliment already?"

You can look after, and here's how to do it.

How flirting is different from harassment

Target

Courtship to please the one to whom attention is directed. They seek to please themselves. One can, of course, argue that courtship, if everything goes according to plan, will end in approximately the same way as harassment. This is not true. There is a huge chasm between flirting and compulsion.

Reciprocity

Harassment is a one-sided claim. They make the addressee feel bad, do not take into account his interests. There is room for insults and unwanted touching. By the way, harassment doesn't necessarily imply privacy. For example, their street version is common - catcalling (from the English cat calling). These are shouts, whistles, obscene comments, as well as attempts to touch, grab the hand, and so on. Quite an unpleasant thing that can seem normal only from a warm sofa. Well, or from the position of an attacker.

Courtship is a process in which both participants in the action are involved. They show attention to each other, express their consent to this - verbal and non-verbal.

These signals may not always be easy to read. For example, a common scenario is when one person (and usually a girl) is coldly accepting signs of attention. At the same time, according to the reaction, it is impossible to say for sure whether the claims are mutual. As long as you are sure that there is definitely no refusal in this cold and you are not forcing her to anything, it still feels like courtship. If you are determined to play these games instead of building a normal relationship, you can proceed with caution.

Equality

When flirting, a person is perceived as a full-fledged interlocutor with their thoughts. The feelings and opinions of both participants are important. In harassment, the victim is only a sexual object. What difference does it make if she likes something or not.

Another significant component is power and the display of strength. Usually no one solicits anyone from a vulnerable position. If a person can lose their job, ruin their reputation, or get in the jaw right now, they usually clearly distinguish between harassment and flirting. So if there is a hierarchical inequality between two people, for example, one manager and the other is a subordinate, the situation will be very difficult by default. When refusal, at least in theory, could lead to punishment or dismissal, it is closer to harassment. Therefore, the following point is extremely important here.

Right to opt out

If people are flirting, they both need to feel that the situation is under control: you can leave the game at any time, and nothing will happen. Harassment does not give such an opportunity.

Sometimes society attacks the victim of harassment: they say, she did not say “no” sharply enough, communicated in a friendly manner and smiled at the harassing person. It is highly likely that the victim had previously lived not in the fabulous Roseoponia, but in reality. The one, you know, where they can kill for refusing to meet. If a heavyweight boxer approaches you in a dark alley and asks for your bike and clothes, you will try to kindly negotiate. Nobody will reproach you that you somehow hesitantly said “no”. But he is a man, he would understand everything.

How to avoid accusations of harassment

Do not harass. The chances that innocent flirting will be considered coercion is extremely small. Despite the many gray areas, the line between courtship and stalking can be felt. For example, “just a compliment” is not always a compliment. You don't need to be a professor of psychology to understand: the exclamation "What boobs!" to an unfamiliar woman or colleague is not a sign of admiration for her figure. This is harassment. At the same time, no one will be offended when they hear "You have a great sense of humor."

But even if you suddenly do something wrong, nothing criminal will happen if you stop your claims after objections from the addressee. Human relationships are complex. You may have misread the signals or you may have rushed. It doesn't make you a villain if you take your partner's opinion into account. If not, it's definitely about harassment.

For those who still do not understand how to distinguish one from the other, a small checklist. If you nod confidently at each statement, you are courting, not coercing.

Your actions cannot scare or alarm the person.
A person can stop what is happening at any time.
You carefully monitor the reactions of the addressee and do not ignore them.
The person did not ask - explicitly or implicitly - to stop what you are doing.
The person made it clear that he is interested in your courtship (and not you invented for him).
Your actions and words are not an unwelcome assessment of someone's attractiveness and sexuality.
You do not think that if someone is attractively dressed, then he suggests himself.
The context of your courtship is appropriate. For example, if you hit on a subordinate and the situation looks like his refusal could lead to dismissal, this is inappropriate context.
You do not think that every action you take is simply obliged to please a person.

What if you didn't want anything wrong

Perhaps you are sure that you were just being attentive as best you could, and you were misunderstood. There is a catch in this reasoning. Few think they are actually doing something bad. For thieves, theft is a noble deed, but it is his own fault. A parent beating a child will say that this is the only way to make a person out of the offspring, otherwise he does not understand anything. The salesperson who weighs you down in private conversations will refer to the fact that life is like living on a small salary.

With theft or body kit, everything is simple: they are regulated by law. With courtship, it's a little more difficult: it was flirting or harassment - the addressee decides.

So if the person you are allegedly flirting with says something is wrong, listen. Actually, if you don't care what he mutters there, this is just a sure sign that you are not courting, but harassing.

To start playing by the new rules, we all have to think a lot. The problem of harassment is systemic, the attitude towards it is being rethought by society right now, and thinking on this topic can be painful. Let's say you catch yourself thinking that your courtship has crossed the border. It is much more difficult to admit that you have made a mistake somewhere than to say: "Again inventing some kind of nonsense." But this is where the key is to stop harassing and start courting.

It is not so difficult, all you need to do is periodically think whether your actions are not offensive, evaluate the feedback, leave the second participant with room for maneuver and consider him a person with the same feelings, emotions and rights as yours. To accept the fact that someone else's "no" is a signal that you need to slow down, and not think: "What a fool, does not understand his happiness."

It is no less painful to admit that you have allowed an inappropriate attitude towards yourself, to defend personal boundaries and call a spade a spade. If a person is rude and obsessive, then he does not “just express his admiration”, but is rude and obsessive.

This is a long-term process, and everything will not change tomorrow. And even the day after tomorrow will not change. But this is the case when it is enough to at least start with yourself. Courting, not harassing, defend personal boundaries and everything will be fine.