Why breakups are harder for some people

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Why do some people recover so easily after a painful breakup, while others cannot fill the void that arose with the loss of a loved one for years? Is there any connection between the breakup and the person's opinion of himself? Lauren Howe has the answers to these difficult questions, we share them in the article.

The most common question most people ask themselves after a particularly painfully ended relationship is, "What the hell went wrong?" People tend to learn from mistakes, and that is why they strive at all costs to get to the bottom of the truth before entering into new relationships. They analyze events and details, repeatedly replaying in their memory the moments that could become prerequisites for parting, in order to finally build a whole picture of what happened.

In some cases, such efforts can be crowned with success: reflection helps a person to come to terms with painful memories of the past and pushes him to move forward. But sometimes self-examination leads to the exact opposite result: the bitterness of loss becomes only sharper, instead of subside.

Lauren Howe, together with her colleague Carol Dweck, conducted a study that helped to find out why some people cannot get rid of the ghosts of their romantic past, while others, on the contrary, end their obsolete relationships with minimal losses. During the experiment, Lauren read a huge number of personal stories about difficult breakups. It was they who helped her to identify the pattern that allows to conditionally divide all people into these two types.

The study went like this: first, participants were asked to recall the moment when they learned that the partner no longer wants to continue the relationship. Then they were asked to answer the question "How did you feel and what lesson did you learn from what happened?" From most of the answers, it became clear that more often than not, parting made people think that something was wrong with them, since the partner decided to end the relationship.

Everything seemed to be going well, but one day my beloved just stopped talking to me. I still don't know what happened. Perhaps I was too intrusive, it scared him away.

Experiment participant

I realized that I was too sensitive. I reject people only because I myself am afraid of being rejected. This trait of mine drives everyone crazy and makes people stay away from me.

Experiment participant

The heroes of all these stories sooner or later discovered some hidden flaw in themselves. Some were too sarcastic, others had a very difficult character, because of which it was not possible to continue the relationship. All these people were united by one thing: a negative quality, which, like poison, corroded a great and bright feeling.

I realized that some part of my inner self was sabotaging my desire to be happy.

Experiment participant

I feel crushed and overwhelmed. For a long time I have been trying to convince myself that it is not only me who is to blame for what happened, but I just can't do it. Sometimes it becomes completely unbearable.

Experiment participant

All breakup stories are similar to one another. People even talk about them the same way, asking, as a rule, the same questions: "What is wrong with me?" and "What was I wrong about?" And when we see our ex-partners in new relationships, we are sure to wonder what is in her or in him that I could not offer?

It's great when, after a relationship ends, people start thinking about the lessons to be learned from the breakup. This helps a lot to prevent similar mistakes in the future. But it also happens that a person literally gets hung up on the situation, begins to question his own self-esteem, and this negatively affects his mental state.

The loss of a partner with whom you have been for many years in a row can lead to prolonged depression. psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues have shown that when people are in long-term close relationships, they automatically begin to identify with their partner. In other words, they perceive the other person as part of themselves, confusing their memories, traits and habits with strangers and thus falling into a trap.

After parting, such people seem to lose their originality and identity. To check how much a person depends on his ex-partner, Aron asked him to complete the simplest task: it was necessary to imagine himself and his ex-lover in the form of two circles, draw them on paper and see how closely they crossed each other.

In a sense, this mutual identification can be beneficial. Getting acquainted with a partner, a person goes through a stage that is conventionally called immersion in another person. He seems to be trying on someone else's vision of the world.

It helps people expand their horizons and enrich their own worldview. One of the greatest pleasures that relationships give us is the opportunity to look at ourselves with different eyes, from a different angle. This is due to the fact that the routine lifestyle changes significantly with the appearance of a new person in our life.

But this also means that at the end of the relationship, the loss of a partner leads to the loss of a piece of himself. The scientists did something interesting: they selected two groups of people, one half of whom was in a relationship, and the other half had recently experienced a breakup. All participants in the experiment were asked to describe themselves.

The results of the study were as follows: the descriptions of the people who survived the breakup were almost twice as short and contained few positive characteristics. It also turned out that the more a person experienced in a relationship, the more damage to his personality was caused by the separation.

During the experiment, participants often complained about the traumatic experiences of the breakup and how it negatively affected their self-esteem. Those people who, after the end of the relationship, began to doubt themselves, admit that they often remember their former partner. There were also cases when the pain of parting did not subside for years. If the breakup occurred due to some negative character trait of one of the partners, then the person's experiences become a heavy burden.

Too many emotions. Sometimes they don't even let me sleep peacefully. It's been 10 years now, and the pain still continues.

Experiment participant

Once having experienced a breakup, people latently begin to fear a breakup in the future and because of this they are distrustful of new partners. One of the participants in the experiment shares: "I constantly hide my feelings for fear of rejection again." The concrete belief that the relationship ended due to flaws and imperfections makes them fear a repetition of such a story. This does not allow a person to fully open up in a new relationship. He subconsciously programs himself that he will never succeed with anyone else.

It happens that an experienced breakup changes a person's perception of relationships for the worse. Here is what one of the participants in the experiment says about this: “The breakup was like a Pandora's box. Now the words 'love' and 'fidelity' mean nothing to me anymore."

How, then, to part in order to incur minimal psychological losses? It is advisable not to associate the features of your character with the fact of parting, but to treat it as something beyond your control, as a kind of third unpredictable force.

Sometimes your partner's lack of interest has nothing to do with you.

One of the participants in the experiment believes that self-delusion during parting can be avoided: "Both partners can be wonderful people who just do not fit together." Some people even perceive the gap philosophically, as a natural part of life and a valuable experience.

For some people, ending a relationship serves as a kind of incentive to move forward, the next step for further growth. They note that the breakups helped them to stop demanding unattainable results from their partner or making excessive demands on them. Largely due to conflicts, communication skills also improved: people learned to clearly articulate their desires and thoughts, as well as to speak about their preferences and experiences. Many respondents said the breakup helped them learn to forgive.

The ability to separate the fact of parting and our own "I" greatly facilitates our experiences, and vice versa. But why do some people succeed and some do not? The answer to the question is partly based on the belief that people are capable of changing over time. It is important whether a particular person perceives his personality as something constant and static, or, conversely, is prone to dramatic changes and constant movement forward.

From which of these two groups you belong, and your feelings of separation depend. When a person views his personality as something static, not amenable to change, he will dwell on his failures. But those people who are able to change will be able to move on.

How we ourselves perceive a breakup affects our ability to painlessly get through it. Self-perception is very important for all people. Stories in which certain vital actions (divorce, dismissal, separation) are viewed as a step forward, and not as a run from the past, are perceived more positively and give a sense of satisfaction.

That is why it is important to correctly relate to such an event in life as a break in relations. One person will say: "I communicated wrongly with my partner and, probably, I will not be able to open up to anyone else." Another, admitting the same, will consider himself capable of fixing the problem and never face it again in the future. Perhaps the habit of asking ourselves the right mood will make us better and stronger in the face of a breakup.