How to survive a divorce: tips for women

Stage 1: survive the first 90 days

The first 90 days after divorce can be called the most difficult. For the first time in many years, you were left alone with yourself and heavy thoughts about the causes of discord in the family. Tamsin Fedal compares this state to being lost. You are lost and do not know where to go next, who to turn to and how to start enjoying life again. The author of the book "Alone and Happy" made a detailed plan of action for the readers for the first 90 days after the divorce.

1. Start by rebooting in your own home

Get rid of furniture that reminds you of your ex-husband. Throwing away or arranging a burning ritual is completely optional. You can sell unnecessary things, and with the proceeds you can buy what you have always dreamed of. That ridiculous ottoman or a chic four-poster bed.

2. Organize your home space

Get rid of chaos and unnecessary things.

Use the rules "Each thing has its place", "Like to like" and "One thing in the house - one from the house." When cleaning, set a timer (for an hour, two or three) and be sure to rest after the signal. Do not be lazy to take pictures before and after - so you can see that even spot cleaning works effectively.

3. Take care of yourself

Get a new hairstyle, or at least just update your haircut, go for a manicure, go in for sports. You can start with morning yoga - there are millions of videos on the web with simple exercises. Over time, you will get a taste and, quite possibly, at some point, you will find yourself in a gym with heavy weights.

4. Carry out an audit of the refrigerator

Everything is greasy and unhealthy in the bin: mayonnaise, sauces with monosodium glutamate and low-quality chocolate. New life - new menu. Your choice is vegetables, fruits, healthy grains, lean meat and dark chocolate. Drink clean water and eat small meals when you feel hungry.

5. Plan activities for each day

In the first months after the divorce, you don't want to do anything at all, so push yourself. Sign up for courses, go to the library or to exhibitions. Are you having bouts of melancholy Saturday morning? Get up early and go for a walk. Change your habits and develop new ones.

Psychologists say that communication, social interaction is one of the key ways to move on after a breakup.

Isolation evokes dark feelings that give rise to thoughts, words, and actions that we will later regret.

6. Stop whining

Master your emotions - who controls whom, after all? You are the love of your life. And you are the main prize. Use the bank of gratitude techniques to reduce stress levels. Put a pretty jar on your bedside table and put a note there every night that captures the most positive moment of the day. Extract and read the notes at the end of the year.

Stage 2: learn to communicate with your ex-husband

Communication with an ex-husband is one of the most difficult moments in the life of every second divorced woman. It is difficult to refrain from obsessive thoughts to talk to your ex heart-to-heart and still find out the reasons for the discord in the family. Unpleasant thoughts are constantly spinning in my head: "I was too cold, or fat, or ugly, or inattentive, or non-sexual." Tamsin Fedal advises not to share thoughts about your ex-husband (especially negative ones) with others, and also adhere to a few simple rules.

1. Don't look for meetings

A weighty reason for personal communication is the fate of children. Decide everything else through intermediaries, acquaintances or lawyers.

2. Don't keep his things

He has already taken everything he needs. Everything else does not interest him now and will certainly not interest him in a year. It is desirable to get rid of things.

3. Don't follow him on social media

Remove him from your friends and do not poison your soul. Do this immediately after your divorce.

4. Don't paint a false image of your ex-husband

It is human nature to remember only good things. Let go of the memories at least for a period. Later, when the wounds heal, you will get these photos and letters, remember the lovely family evenings.

5. Don't use children as a shield

Or as a loophole for information. Don't turn your children against your father. Your emotions will subside, and the children's attitude towards their father will remain.

6. Don't talk bad about your ex

This is perhaps one of the hardest pieces of advice. The author of the book honestly admits that she herself sinned like that. She more than once caught herself thinking that she was happy to remember her ex-husband with a strong word. However, you should not do this, especially in the presence of potential partners.

Stage 3: Learn to Date Again

After a divorce, many women are tempted to go all out in order to prove to themselves (“and to this scoundrel!”) That they have retained their sexual attractiveness for the opposite sex.

How to start dating men again after decades on the bench? Tamsin Fedal advises to stick to two rules.

1. Don't look for the perfect man

Look for someone who respects you now, someone who doesn't put off feelings until later. Someone for whom you want to get up in the morning, and in the evening dive into his bed and snuggle under the covers.

2. Appreciate your principles

Don't forget - even for the sake of a gorgeous man - what's important to you. Don't be fooled into thinking about your needs and desires. Be yourself. If you are suitable for a man only under certain conditions: a different hair color, weight, habits and preferences - nothing good will come of this relationship.

Stage 4: learn to build new relationships

Often, after a divorce, women are eager to occupy themselves with new relationships and are ready to literally dissolve in a new man. The author of the book "Alone and Happy" honestly admits that she herself made some of the mistakes described. Tamsin Fedal had the strength to pull himself together. Her invaluable experience helped her develop some tips that will save women from frustration.

1. Be self-sufficient

Don't be humiliated. If he does not call, you are not interested in him. There are no other options.

2. Keep your distance

Don't make a man a best friend, let alone a vest for tears.

3. Don't become a mommy

If you took care of your ex-husband, brought him slippers and tea in bed, do not rush to do the same with the new man. Caught yourself doing something like this? Get a dog and leave the man alone.

4. Accept his habits

It is useless to try to break and change another person. You are both established personalities, and if you are bothered by his champing at the table, then you should think about it before moving in. Either accept a man along with his habits, even those that piss you off, or break up.

5. Look for a free man

This is really very important, and there can be no options "almost divorced", "we will submit documents tomorrow", "we live for the sake of the children." Otherwise, you risk falling into a trap and becoming a banal mistress.

Bonus: how to arrange a personal life with children

Children are not a sentence for personal life. The main thing is to properly organize your free time and talk with your child. Do not forget: a child is a child, he is used to considering himself the center of the Universe and is unlikely to want to share you with someone else right away. Tamsin Fedal has put together some of the most valuable dating tips when you have kids.

1. Talk to your children about your feelings

Do not think that they are small and do not understand anything. Children are much more discerning than they seem, and it is easy to guess that you are dressing up for a reason.

2. Don't lie about your love life

Over time, children will learn the truth, but the fact that you lied to them will remain in their memory for a long time. And after that, how can you ask them to be honest with you?

No matter how old your children are, eight or thirty-eight, they still need confirmation of your unconditional love. Show them in no uncertain terms that no one will replace them for you.

3. Never put yourself in front of the choice of "children or personal life"

Moreover, do not reproach the child for having dedicated his life to him, and he grew up and is going to live separately.

4. Ask for help

If you need help from friends or family, do not hesitate to ask to sit with the children or do some homework. Are there friends of the mother who are divorced? Unite and help each other.

Tamsin Fedal's book "Alone and Happy" is a guide for those who have not recovered from a divorce. The author gives advice and recommendations based on his own experience, as well as shares the secrets of style and personal care. If difficult times have come in your life and you do not know how to put yourself together after the divorce proceedings, we recommend that you pay attention to the book Tamsin Fedal.