Coping with a divorce: 12 personal tips

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

What now looks like a disaster could be the beginning of a new happy story.

I am writing this material on the birthday of my daughter, who is nine years old. She and I live in Barcelona, and her Spanish dad lives in the United States, in the city of Seattle. Today we phoned and congratulated each other on the holiday, remembered how happy we were when we were waiting for Lucia to appear, how we were in love with her and with each other, when she was born, when she got her first tooth, when she ran along the promenade of Marbella, when she first said: "I'm from Madrid!" We are dear to each other and support each other's decisions. We worry when one of us has a difficult moment. But four years ago, our communication was filled with bitterness, rage, lust, disappointment and poisonous fire.

The divorce initiative was his. However, he hardly justified this decision for himself and expected Italian scandals from my temperament. I loved my husband, but I clearly understood that if the child is healthy, I am healthy, and we have our own means - and not even for existence, but for a decent life - then I simply have no right to kill myself. Therefore, with all my strength I held on and did not sort things out, did not blame and did not hide in any way, did not stop the process and did not limit communication with the child. All formalities - through a family lawyer, all intentions - maximum peacekeeping. Within six months, the text of our divorce agreement was ready and submitted for consideration.

It was more difficult when, two years later, he came again to ask for my hand in marriage and did it in front of the child, but I refused. After that episode, the balance was shaken for months. It is very difficult to deal with the emotions of a child who wants mom and dad to be together.

All troubles are over. Now the former spouse is grateful to me for our peaceful relationship. And I told him - because he is a great dad and is the best at explaining physics and mathematics.

Easy is rare. Both the initiator and the one who dissolves the marriage against their will will have to cross a long burning bridge. Running is dangerous, and losing self-control is unacceptable.

There are things that do not depend on you, and even with the most correct behavior will be outside your sphere of control. In my experience, these are the main points that will help you survive this event with the least loss for both parties.

1. If you have children, try to save the marriage

You will definitely return to this in thoughts and doubt if you do not try everything that is possible to save the family.

Disperse anyway? Stick to the letter of the law and remember that you and your ex-spouse will have to communicate as parents for many years. In general, divorce in a pair with children is not more difficult, but simpler: more motivation to behave in a civilized manner, not to lose heart and not become limp.

2. Do not be greedy, but do not adjust

Protect your interests calmly and fairly, do not be guided by resentment and revenge. Remember, life is long. This is the person you have chosen and loved. Some people never have a great love or a wedding in their life, but you still threw a bouquet and cut a white cake with one knife with this "insane", "monster" or as you now call it in conversations with third parties.

3. Do not discuss divorce with everyone

Some people will constantly try to have a conversation with you about what's going on, about your partner, about other divorced couples. Someone will do it without malicious intent, sincerely believing that you need it to speak out and cry.

But you don't need that. You don't want to stew in this broth from morning to night. The incessant speculation will devour you and weaken you. Live for today. Close the door more tightly and don't poke your nose into this closet anymore.

4. Maintain your dignity

Do not think that after quarrels, showdowns and scandals you have nothing to lose and you can chase after them curses or humiliate yourself. There is always something to lose, especially when it comes to dignity. No matter how damp at the bottom of this terrible pit, no matter how strong it smelled of a cemetery and no matter how disgusting the thoughts of continuing life, do not try to dig the ground and eat worms, get out as soon as possible upstairs.

5. Do not indulge in a binge, spree or gag

Do not start smoking, debauchery and squandering, otherwise an emotional and physical collapse will certainly happen. Just imagine that you have already done all this and now you can move on. Only - about happiness! - you have avoided headaches, extra pounds and feelings of shame.

6. If it's really bad, go to a good therapist

Only to a doctor who has the goal of curing you and is able to achieve this. It is a terrible thing to get caught in such a delicate moment by such a psychologist who will bind you to the couch by digging in childhood and in the past in general. You will get bogged down like in a swamp and waste money to block the beginning of a new life for yourself.

This period is simply over. A new one begins. You don't need all these roaming along the corridors of the past.

7. Forget the word "analysis" and get started

The more creative actions you take, the stronger your position will be and the happier your state. The activity should be varied - we are not looking for sublimation in the form of fanatical immersion in any one ocean.

Work, study, drive, play sports, communicate, read, watch, be imbued with the energy of new knowledge and skills.

8. Don't sleep with your ex-spouse

This is mistake.

9. Don't quarrel with other family members

When it is convenient for us (namely when we are looking for an excuse to allow ourselves to be harsh), we say that life is short. But do not get fooled by this, repeat like a mantra: life is long. Do not throw people around, especially when it comes to the grandparents of joint children.

10. Chat with the opposite sex, but take your time in a new relationship

Only by becoming for yourself the kind of person with whom you would like to be together, will you be ready for a new story. Your self-esteem should not depend on whether you are alone or in a couple. This is a very important point.

11. If possible, travel

Traveling is a great therapy. The best. You can pour some tears into your suitcase, but then go to a new place and enjoy the foreign speech, soak up the beauty. Nobody here knows you, you are a writer of new history. Pull yourself out of the swamp of thoughts about past joint voyages by the scruff of your neck.

12. Write down your feelings and thoughts

Get yourself into a notebook and a good habit of turning your head into words. Set yourself a measurable task: write two pages, 10 minutes each - as you wish. And write everything, you can not literary.

This exercise is sure to bring relief and bring back a sense of order. It is quite possible that it will stay with you for a long time.

Today the whole picture is black, and the shadows are ominous. The ex-wife is a witch, the husband is a werewolf, youth cannot be returned, the future is disgustingly vague. But just trust me: in 12 months it will look different.

And after 16 months, something interesting happens: this is the milestone when many exes want to come back and try again. But "again" is impossible. You can again. If so - take your time, you have already been there.

To everyone who goes through a divorce, I wish wisdom and foresight. And a beautiful new life, of course.