Control freak: how to stop being in control and not infuriate others

Who is a control freak

Control freak is an informal term describing a person with a boundless passion to control everything around. At any cost, he must manage the situation and achieve what he wants, even if he has to put serious pressure on other people.

Do not confuse them with purposeful people who know how to take responsibility. Control freaks are not acting out of good intentions. They are driven by fears.

How to recognize yourself as a control freak

Control freaks are not uncommon. We meet them almost every day, it's just that everyone has it to a different degree. How to understand that you or your loved ones are among them?

Are you sure that everything depends only on you

You think you can influence everything in this world. Without your opinion, no decision will be made, the snow will not melt, the birds will not fly south.

Everything should go according to plan and nothing else

You always make lists and plans, and the slightest deviation from the course is terrifying. Did a carefully planned trip to the cinema go wrong, did the scrambled eggs burn a little? This is nothing short of a disaster.

Your motto: if you want to do well, do it yourself

Delegating tasks and teamwork is not your forte. You are sure that no one else can do better. Whether it's a quarterly report, a beef chop, or flying a jet plane.

You don't trust people

Your level of distrust towards others is at its maximum. You doubt the competence of specialists and sometimes even take on tasks that you do not understand.

You think you know better than others

You are not stingy with advice, because you are sure that you know better. And until the last moment you defend your opinion, until they listen to it and do it as it should.

You are always right

You must always be right. And just let someone try to doubt that what you said is the ultimate truth.

You are very critical of other people's mistakes

Since you know everything and are always right, you do not accept the mistakes of others. Moreover, according to your version, you can take control of any situation.

You tune in to a bad outcome of events and try to prevent it in advance

It's a good idea to think broadly and think about the possible outcomes of different situations in advance. But getting hung up on this is bad, especially in cases where circumstances cannot be influenced. And you are ready to give up all your strength to find a solution that really does not exist.

You must be aware of everything

How can you control a situation without knowing about it? You need to be aware if someone is going to make a life-changing decision without asking about it.

You are a perfectionist in the last stage

You are always right, you know everything and will cope with any task better than an experienced specialist. Your pursuit of excellence has reached its limit. And even when it is no longer possible to do better, you are convinced that it is possible. Of course, provided that you do it yourself.

You have many fears

Most of all, you are afraid that something will not go according to plan. Therefore, you need to keep your finger on the pulse and at any time insure yourself against unforeseen situations. Unfortunately, no one canceled force majeure.

Where does obsessive mania come from?

Oleg Ivanov is a psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts.

An obsessive desire to always control the situation is evidence of a certain internal imbalance. As a rule, the reason for this behavior can be increased anxiety and the desire for power.

Control freaks are afraid of anything that disrupts their usual way of life and does not fit into their world. Their actions are a defensive reaction and an attempt to protect themselves from unnecessary shocks.

As a consequence of the desire for power, total control manifests itself in a person's acute desire to be not only aware of the events taking place with him and those close to him, but also to take direct part in them.

Sergey Kuzin business coach, candidate of psychological sciences

Most often, all problems come from childhood. It so happens that the child was too controlled, and when he grew up, he began to transfer the same control to others.

It turns out that sometimes we ourselves contribute to the emergence of control freaks. Excessive parental care in childhood leaves a mark and in the future can have a significant impact on a person's behavior patterns.

Why is that bad

In everyday life

In addition to annoying others with constant pressure, you torment yourself in the first place. A lot of energy is spent on solving non-existent problems, worrying about small things and trying to influence situations that are beyond your control. If you do not get the desired result, then you are experiencing an inner tragedy. Even if the fact is that you didn't get the second sugar cube in your coffee. These experiences significantly reduce the quality of life, while you could channel the energy in a different direction.

In relationship

You will hardly enjoy it if your every breath is controlled. Trust is the foundation of a strong and lasting relationship, but for a control freak it's a painful topic. It is logical that the desire to be aware of all the actions of the partner, constant checking of messages on the phone and intrusive questions will not bring joy to any of the participants in the relationship.

In work

Sitting up late, finishing reports, communicating with clients, at the same time doing routine work, when there is a whole department sitting idle, is a little strange. Instead of taking on your direct responsibilities, you take on tasks for which your colleagues are responsible. And not because they decided to help, but because of the lack of confidence in their competence. Even if you are an expert with a capital letter, you are unlikely to be the first candidate for promotion. After all, you do not know how to delegate, and, apparently, you think that you are working with fools, since you do everything for them.

How to deal with it

Oleg Ivanov is a psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts.

If you begin to notice such behavior patterns in yourself, I recommend spending a "completely crazy day" for relaxation. Take a different road to work, have breakfast in an unusual place, that is, slightly change the usual way of life.

The expert explains that it is important to understand: nothing critical will happen if you are a little late for work, eat a slice of cake for lunch instead of soup, or take a walk in the evening instead of the planned trip to the store.

Exhale a little, loosen your grip and please yourself with a spontaneous decision. The main thing is to realize the fact of the presence of a problem and give yourself relaxation so as not to bring the situation to a critical limit.

Sergey Kuzin business coach, candidate of psychological sciences

Since the problem also lies in distrust, the first thing to do is deal with it. I recommend reading the work of Stephen Covey Jr. "Trust rate". This book clearly explains that by trusting yourself, others and the situation, life becomes 10% easier and more interesting.

By dealing with mistrust, you will solve at least one problem. And if mistrust is the root of other, even bigger problems, then with one shot you will kill several birds with one stone.

What to do for loved ones

If someone from your environment turned out to be a control freak, you need to learn to speak calmly, but clearly: "No, thanks." And even better, more gently: "Thank you for your concern, but I will do as I see fit."

Oleg Ivanov is a psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts.

Sometimes it can be difficult to point out disadvantages to loved ones, but in the case of control maniacs, this is necessary. You need to act delicately, but at the same time confidently, in order to draw a clear line in your relationship.

It is important to find suitable phrases for a particular person and discuss with him the moments that do not suit you. It is enough for someone to hear: "Okay, everything will be your way." This immediately relieves stress and allows you to find compromises in a relaxed environment.

Sergey Kuzin business coach, candidate of psychological sciences

The expert advises to immediately determine what type your control freak belongs to: addict, paranoid or narcissist, and what exactly is his desire. Obviously, the narcissist will want to hear that he is the best, and the paranoid needs to know that everything will be okay. Don't be afraid to discuss the problem, try to find an approach to your control freak. Even if it doesn't work the first time, don't give up. This is better than silently accumulating resentment.