What to do if it seems that you have ceased to be loved

Here you are together, and everything is fine with you, but the partner is already moving away from you, becomes cold and indifferent. The first thought that arises in response to this behavior: love is over. Maybe the feelings just cooled down, or maybe a loved one found someone else. The reaction to this discovery can be very sharp and painful, but psychologists recommend What can I do if I feel my partner pulling away? / Bustle in such a situation, do not get excited. Here are some tips to help you figure out what's going on and make the right decision.

1. Take a break

Yes, it is very difficult. But if you express your suspicions to your partner on emotions, then it will not be good for you or him. Suddenly your intuition lets you down and the person has other reasons for detachment: problems at work, fatigue, bad mood? The strength to manifest love and care may simply not be there.

In these cases, claims will definitely not strengthen the relationship. So it's better to exhale and do nothing for at least a couple of days. Busy yourself with work or, conversely, rest: meet friends, take a walk, go on a short trip. Allowing your emotions to cool down a bit will help you see what's going on more soberly.

2. Analyze the situation

Try to separate your feelings and fears from the facts. What really happened? What in the behavior of your partner indicates that he has cooled to you? Are there any real signs?

Let's say he objectively spends less time with you: before, you talked every night after work and watched TV shows together on Fridays, but now it has come to naught. Or your partner has stopped hugging you and showing sexual interest. Or he became irritated and rude, which was not the case before. Or often disappears somewhere, without explaining the reasons, hides the phone when you enter the room.

Such an analysis will help you figure out if there are really alarm calls or it just seemed to you. In addition, specific facts will come in handy when talking with your partner.

3. Talk to your loved one

Try to stay calm. Do not blame or raise your voice, but explain as much as possible what is bothering you. Use "I" messages for this.

No: “You don't communicate with me at all! Do not you love me anymore!"
Yes: “I am very upset that we are spending less time together. We used to go for a walk every weekend, but for more than a month now I have been spending them alone."

Talk about your feelings, but also remember the facts. Arguments like “it seems to me” will not sound very convincing and can be easily dismissed.

Lyudmila Altyeva Psychologist, psychoanalyst.

When we enter into a new relationship, we are looking for a common thing that binds us: outlook on life, interests, character traits. In a state of love, we do not see differences, but we are in a sense of unity and similarity in everything. At the beginning of a relationship, partners try to show their best qualities.

But the more they open up to each other, the more obvious the differences become. And the question of continuing the relationship is accepting these differences and adjusting to the partner. It is at this stage that contradictions become a reason for breaking off relations. Sometimes partners understand this and decide to leave. But what if this decision comes as a surprise to one of them? And how to react when it is already difficult to hide emerging problems in a relationship?

If something signals a change in the partner's habitual behavior, you should take a closer look and observe what is happening in reality. And if there is no point in denying the obvious, it is worth talking frankly with your loved one. The more neutral you are, the less anger, accusations, attacks, the more likely you are to get a direct answer.

For example, you can say: “I began to notice that recently our relationship has changed a lot, and not for the better. What do you think is going on? Yes, it is not easy to hear an unpleasant answer, but it is more difficult to live in your own illusion without reciprocity. After all, no matter how much we deny the problem, in the end it will lead to a rupture. Conversely, an honest view of the situation from both partners can provide a new resource for building a dialogue.

4. Be prepared to resist

Even if the feelings are really over, the partner may not immediately admit it. First, he himself needs time to realize and accept everything. Secondly, he may be afraid to hurt you, so he will begin to deny everything: "No, you don't understand everything that way, I love you very much!" A person can explain coldness, closeness and aloofness by fatigue or other reasons.

It is extremely important here not to argue or turn the conversation into a battle. You cannot look into the heart and head of another person and find out what is really going on there. Therefore, now your main task is to convey to your partner that you are very worried.

5. Give your loved one more space

After the conversation, you will have to wait for a while: both you and your partner will need to sort out your feelings.

Often a person who notices the distance of a loved one tries to close the distance: asks for a meeting, calls, writes, tries to be close. This is very natural, but unfortunately it doesn't help. The best tactic, according to psychologists, would be to step back at least for a couple of weeks and allow your partner to be alone with their thoughts and feelings.

how to understand that you are no longer in love: give your partner more space

6. Observe your partner's behavior

If, after your conversation, the problems that bother you gradually subside, this is a good sign. If everything remains the same or only got worse, your fears are most likely not unfounded.

7. Decide what to do next

Discuss how important love is to your couple in general. Perhaps you have been married for a long time, you are raising children, you are connected by common interests, obligations and goals. Your relationship is based on loyalty, respect, and affection. And all this can be preserved, even when the feelings have cooled down, if both of you understand and accept it.

It’s a completely different matter if it’s painful for you to be unloved, or if your partner wants to be with someone else. Then you have to admit that the relationship has come to an end, and talk openly about it.

8. Get help

If you are both confused and no longer understand how you feel, it is worth looking for a good family therapist. He will help you understand yourself and find a way out.