Why we don't trust people and is it worth starting

Is there a standard for trust and how to measure it

We all have a different level of trust in specific acquaintances and in people in general. Someone leaves the phone on the cafe table when they go to the restroom, because they believe that none of the visitors will take the device. And someone, even in communication with loved ones, keeps their distance. It is unknown if they will stick a metaphorical knife in the back when they relax.

Regardless of the level of trust, you can find an abandoned bag and get hit by a loved one. In this situation, it seems that people are not safe to trust. Better overdoing than underdoing. But it is not so.

Irina Aygildina Cognitive-behavioral psychologist.

Friendship and love cannot be built without trust. A distrustful person has to spend a lot of energy on controlling children, partners, colleagues, subordinates and other people around: "You cannot rely on anyone, you cannot trust anyone, everyone can deceive." As a result, this behavior turns into stress, emotional burnout and apathy. The joy of life is lost.

A trusting person is more creative with the world, expresses himself openly, is relaxed, calm, more friendly and surrounded by the same friendly people.

According to Irina Aigildina, the concept of a normal level of trust does not exist, because there is no unit of its measurement. In every situation, the criterion of "normality" is within ourselves. But that's not all.

Trust is the conviction that a person will live up to our expectations. But he is not at all obliged to do this and can respond to good with good, nothing, or even ingratitude.

Andrey Smirnov Master of Psychology, practical psychologist.

It turns out that the principle of the golden mean also works in the case of trust. It is irrational not to trust anyone, but it is also rash to trust anyone. Each case is individual, and in any, even very good, relationship there is a share of risk. But, as you know, he who does not take risks does not taste the well-known pleasant drink.

Why We Don't Trust People

Psychologists name several factors.

Negative childhood experiences

According to Aygildina, the so-called basic trust is laid in early childhood. The child learns him in the first two years of life. The following factors are decisive:

was mom's behavior predictable,
whether she stayed "in touch" and came at the call of the child,
how orderly and expected the environment was,
whether the regime and the usual rituals of feeding, bathing, changing clothes were observed.

These daily little things form a sense of trust in the world and people in the baby.

Irina Aygildina

In the first few months of life, the child does not separate himself from his mother. Therefore, its role in building trust at this stage is important. If the mother cannot be around all the time, the grandmother, father or nanny begins to play the role of a significant adult for the child. In the first days of a forced separation, the child may experience discomfort and anxiety. But if the mother comes back anyway, and the person nearby gives a feeling of predictability and orderliness, the feeling that the world can be trusted will gradually return to the child.

In the future, the child will pay attention to how they communicate with him, keep or do not fulfill promises, how comfortable he is to declare his desires and contact friends and strangers. This is how a sense of psychological security is formed, an important element of trust in people. Or, on the contrary, there is alertness and a constant sense of threat.

Due to disturbing events

The feeling of trust is not static and can change under the influence of life experience, social and economic situation.

Because of self-distrust

Sometimes it is believed that if a person does not trust others, then he does not trust himself in the first place. Self-confidence is directly related to self-esteem.

Maria Eril Psychologist, psychotherapist, head of the "Psychology of Communication" department at Business Speech.

As a rule, we decide to trust another person only if we are ready to take responsibility for the unsuccessful interaction. You can trust other people only if you believe in yourself and that you are able to overcome and harmonize any negative scenario after interacting with this or that person.

Trust means not only hoping that someone will live up to our expectations, but also taking risks in case the person does not.

How to learn to trust people

The most effective way to solve the problem is with the help of a specialist - a psychologist or psychotherapist. But you can work on it yourself.

Irina Aygildina

If you do not specifically engage in the formation of trust in people and the world in general, then it will not "grow" by itself. And then, sooner or later, mistrust will begin to dominate your life. For example, you may start to feel that the other person is taunting you or has a hidden intent, when in fact there is no reason to think so.

Aigildina advises you to analyze your views and attitudes towards people, situations and life in general. For example, you can be guided by the following phrases: "trust, but verify", "trust alone will not go far" or "everyone around is cheating." Naturally, such beliefs affect interactions with others. This is the effect of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we see danger and hostility in the whole world and in people, then it will be so.

It will also help to analyze the negative experiences that contributed to the growth of your distrust. Perhaps you have faced betrayal or other situations where openness has played a negative role.

Most likely, remembering the bad will not be difficult. The next stage will be much more difficult: to find situations in life when people did not let you down, were honest and fulfilled their obligations, did not violate your trust in them. We usually take such stories for granted. And the negative experience gets stuck in the memory like a thorn.

Good memories can help you “train” your eyes to see the positive side of life.

What to do if you trust people too much

Mistrust also has the opposite pole, when people open up too much to the world. The person gets negative experience over and over again, but continues to demonstrate excessive gullibility.

Irina Aygildina

This stems from a desire to please everyone. And also from the inability to be independent and the desire to shift worries onto the shoulders of other people: "Let someone else take care of me and solve all the problems for me." But at the same time, a person forgets that he himself has long been an adult and can take care of himself.

If you notice a tendency to ascribe good intentions to all people, although you have a negative experience of deception and disappointment, try before you trust your interlocutor again, ask yourself the question: "What does he really want?"

Trust your inner voice. Listen to your feelings and thoughts, not to the words of a friend. What will happen if you now do what you need, and not your interlocutor? Will your communication stop? If so, then, most likely, this person is only worried about his own benefit. And there is a reason to reflect on trust in this relationship.