What is shame and how to treat it correctly

Everyone has something that they would like to hide from others: a certain belief, a character trait, a strange desire, or a terrible mistake from the past. The thought that they will open up to others is terrifying. She wants to curl up into a ball under the covers and hide from the whole world. This feeling is shame, and we all experience it from time to time.

The feeling of shame, if approached in the wrong way, can lead to unpleasant consequences such as depression, bouts of aggression, deterioration in physical health, as well as becoming a narcissistic jerk.

For this reason, self-help books often portray shame as a kind of monster. We are advised to eliminate it, free ourselves from it, completely root it out of our lives. Supposedly only then will we reach the promised land, where love and grace reign. But let's slow down.

What is shame anyway

Shame is a universal human feeling. It is present in all cultures, from today's globalized society to small hunter-gatherer tribes who have never seen an ad for Calvin Klein lingerie. Shame was not invented by some enterprising businessman to cash in on you (although many would not mind doing that). This is a natural part of the human experience.

We experience shame - a feeling of disappointment or even worthlessness when faced with a negative assessment of ourselves. He, like a spotlight, highlights all the dark, ugly parts of our personality. Naturally, we want to quickly hide what we are ashamed of, be it feelings or a secret collection of Teletubbies.

Guilt is very similar to shame, but there is one significant difference between the two. When you feel guilty, you feel burdened by what you did, and when you are ashamed, you are burdened with what kind of person you are.

Both sensations can arise when you have done something wrong. But guilt comes when you think, "I am actually not like that, I can fix it." And shame - when the thoughts are: "I am like this, and there is nothing you can do about it." If nothing is done, the feeling of guilt gradually turns into shame.

Let's move on to examples. Let's say you didn't help a friend move or call your mom on her birthday. This is the first time this has happened, but now, of course, you feel guilty. A lot will depend on your reaction to this feeling.

If you apologize and try to be better, the guilt will go away and you will move on with your life. But if you decide to pretend that nothing happened, or you start blaming your friend for moving frequently and your mom for being born on the worst day of the week, your guilt will intensify and turn into shame. It will become something terrible that needs to be hidden from everyone.

And it is this concealment and suppression, and not shame itself, that harms us: it leads to psychological problems, poisons relationships with others and undermines ambition. After believing that some part of us is “bad”, we begin to resort to unsuccessful adaptation strategies (read: behaving like goats) to hide it and drown out this terrible truth about ourselves.

But, as with all emotions, shame is not so simple. Joy is not always associated with the positive, grief can bring wisdom, and shame can be useful.

Why do we need a sense of shame

Psychologists distinguish between basic emotions and others. The basic ones appeared because they were needed for survival. The most striking example is fear. The fear of snakes and deep chasms clearly helped us to survive at one time.

Also, anger, disgust, sadness, joy and surprise are ranked among the basic emotions. In other classifications, there are four of them, and disgust and surprise are considered subtypes of anger and fear. But in any case, everyone has them from the first day of life.

As we age, our palette of emotions expands. We begin to realize that there are other people in the world and that their ideas and judgments influence us. This gives rise to the so-called emotions of self-awareness: shame, guilt, embarrassment, pride. These emotions are based on how we think others perceive us and how we perceive ourselves. And these emotions also appeared for a reason: they help people to cooperate and live in groups.

Let's pretend we are children. I took your toy truck away from you and hit you on the head with it. If I have not yet developed the emotions of self-awareness, that is, I am two years old or less, I will not worry about it at all. I am simply not yet able to comprehend the thoughts and feelings of other people.

But if I am older, I will feel guilty, and perhaps also a little embarrassed or ashamed. I will return the toy to you and apologize. I may even offer you my own car, and we will play together. Now I will feel proud that I am a good boy.

Emotions of self-awareness push us towards pro-social behavior. Without them, we would not be able to live together. They help regulate the behavior of the whole group at the level of the individual. It is thanks to them that cities, states, economies and parties are possible. Simply put, shame prevents us from doing stupid and terrible things, and guilt motivates us to correct our mistakes.

What is the paradox of shame

There are no “bad” and “good” emotions. There are good and bad reasons for emotion. For example, happiness is usually considered a positive feeling, and many say that you should try to increase it in your life. But if I am happiest when I torment a neighbor's cat, then one can hardly speak of a positive thing here.

It's the same with shame. If for some reason I am ashamed of my appearance and because of this I try not to leave the house, this is an unhealthy form of shame. And if I'm ashamed that I cheated on my girlfriend at university, and this helps me not to undermine my current relationship, then my shame is useful.

The problem is that many are ashamed for the wrong reasons. Most of them are related to the family and culture in which we grew up. For example, if you were criticized for having a funny nose as a child, you might grow up with a creepy complex and then have one plastic surgery after another. If you have been laughed at because of your sensitivity, you can become tough and emotionally withdrawn. If you grew up in a religious sect where you were ashamed for any thought of sex, sexual desires in adulthood can be embarrassing.

Dealing with shame

Give up the unhealthy approach that we all are drawn to - to bury the shame deeper and pretend that it does not exist. The suppression of emotions is generally harmful, and the denied shame will only increase.

Instead, do it the other way around: look at the roots of your shame and see if it's helpful or not. If so, try to accept it, if not, get rid of it and start over.

1. Separate your act from your personality

We all have regrets, we all do stupid things, sometimes let others or ourselves down. But the fact that you once screwed up does not mean that you are a complete failure and generally a bad person.

You can learn from mistakes, use your failures as motivation for growth, and even help others by sharing your experiences. So try to change the thought "I am a bad person" to "I did a bad thing."

And in general, try to be kind to yourself. When your friend makes a mistake, you probably don't start to think of him as a villain, but rather realize that he just stumbled. But for some reason this approach does not always apply to ourselves. Remember this and be your friend.

2. Understand the real reason for your actions

It is unlikely that you undermined a working project, because you are a terrible villain. Maybe you felt that you were not appreciated or respected at work, and did not want to try. Maybe you were angry about something and made an impulsive decision. Maybe you haven't slept for three days and at the most inopportune moment you simply lost the ability to do something.

In any case, accepting the reason for your shameful act, you will understand what to do to change for the better.

3. Take a lesson

Shame and guilt can be powerful sources of motivation to work on yourself. They motivate us to become better. Indicate what we have done wrong in the past so that we do not repeat it in the future.

So shame can be a wise teacher. Listen to his lessons, even if his teaching style is not very pleasant.

4. Share your feelings

Contrary to what our instincts tell us, openly admitting our shame and embarrassment usually elicits sympathy from others and also strengthens relationships. We get a similar effect when, having drunk with a friend, we cry on his shoulder.

If your shame is irrational, that is, you are ashamed of something that would not be worthwhile, then after talking about it, you will feel how unfounded it is. You will see that people do not laugh at you, the world does not hate you, and the heavens do not collapse. This can lead to a rethinking of your views, increased self-esteem, and improved well-being.

If you have truly done something embarrassing, sharing the disturbing feeling will open your way to forgiveness. Now your mistake will help you become better, not drag you back.

5. Learn to see shame as a reflection of your values

What values you have determines what you are ashamed of. Healthy values breed healthy shame, and vice versa. For example, if you feel ashamed that you didn’t help a friend when he needed you, it suggests that it’s important for you to be someone you can rely on. Shame will help you act on this basis: talk honestly, apologize, and be there for the future.

And if you feel uncomfortable because your shoes are not as expensive as your colleagues, it signals that the approval of others is more important to you than respect for yourself and your tastes. Shame will help you notice this and redefine your values. The key is to remember that emotions are not the root of your problems, but the starting point for resolving them.