6 types of toxic parents and how to behave with them

1. Infallible parents

Such parents perceive children's insubordination, the slightest manifestations of individuality as an attack on themselves, and therefore defend themselves. They insult and humiliate the child, destroy his self-esteem, hiding behind the good purpose of "tempering the character."

How does the impact manifest

Usually the children of infallible parents consider them perfect. They turn on psychological protection.

Negation. The child comes up with another reality in which his parents love him. Denial provides temporary relief, which is costly: sooner or later, it will result in an emotional crisis.

Example: "In fact, my mother does not offend me, but does better: she opens her eyes to an unpleasant truth."
Desperate hope. Children with all their might cling to the myth of perfect parents and blame themselves for all the misfortunes.

Example: "I am not worthy of a good relationship, mom and dad want me well, but I do not appreciate it."
Rationalization. This is a search for compelling reasons that explain what is happening in order to make it less painful for the child.

Example: "My father did not beat me to harm, but to teach me a lesson."

What to do

Realize that it is not your fault that your parents constantly turn to insults and humiliation. Therefore, there is no point in trying to prove something to toxic parents.

A good way to understand a situation is to look at what happened through the eyes of an outside observer. This will allow you to realize that parents are not so infallible, and to rethink their actions.

2. Inadequate parents

It is more difficult to determine the toxicity and inadequacy of parents who do not beat or bully a child. Indeed, in this case, harm is caused not by action, but by inaction. Often these parents behave like powerless and irresponsible children themselves. They make the child grow up faster and meet their needs.

How does the impact manifest

The child becomes a parent to himself, younger brothers and sisters, his own mother or father. He loses his childhood.

Example: "How can you ask to go for a walk when your mother does not have time to wash everything and cook dinner?"
Victims of toxic parents experience feelings of guilt and despair when they cannot do something for the good of the family.

Example: “I can't put my little sister to bed, she cries all the time. I'm a bad son."
The child may lose emotions due to the lack of emotional support from the parents. As an adult, he experiences problems with self-identification: who he is, what he wants from life and love relationships.

Example: “I entered a university, but it seems to me that this is not the specialty that I like. I don't know who I want to be at all."

What to do

Household chores should not take the child more time than studying, playing, walking, talking with friends. Proving this to toxic parents is difficult, but possible. Operate with facts: "I will study badly if cleaning and cooking are only on me", "The doctor advised me to spend more time outdoors and play sports."

3. Controlling parents

Excessive control can look like caution, discretion, caring. But toxic parents in this case only care about themselves. They are afraid of becoming unnecessary, and therefore they make the child depend on them as much as possible, feel helpless.

Favorite phrases of toxic controlling parents:

"I am doing this solely for you and your benefit."
"I did this because I love you so much."
"Do it, or I won't talk to you anymore."
"If you don't do this, I will have a heart attack."
“If you don’t do it, you will cease to be a member of our family.”

All this means one thing: "I do this because the fear of losing you is so great that I am ready to make you unhappy."

Parents-manipulators, who prefer hidden control, achieve their goal not by direct requests and orders, but surreptitiously, forming a sense of guilt. They provide “selfless” help that builds a sense of duty in the child.

How does the impact manifest

Children controlled by toxic parents become unnecessarily anxious. Their desire to be active, to explore the world, to overcome difficulties disappears.

Example: "I am very afraid to travel by car, because my mother has always said that it is very dangerous."
If a child tries to argue with his parents, disobey them, this threatens him with a sense of guilt, his own betrayal.

Example: “I stayed overnight at a friend's place without permission, the next morning my mother came down with a bad heart. I will never forgive myself if something happens to her."
Some parents love to compare their children with each other, to create an atmosphere of anger and jealousy in the family.

Example: "Your sister is much smarter than you, who did you become?"
The child constantly feels that he is not good enough, he seeks to prove his worth.

Example: "I always aspired to become like my older brother, and even went, like him, to study medicine, although I wanted to become a programmer."

What to do

Get out of control without fear of repercussions. As a rule, this is common blackmail. When you realize that you are not part of your parents, you will stop depending on them.

4. Drinking parents

Alcoholic parents usually deny that the problem exists in principle. A mother, suffering from her husband's drunkenness, shields him, justifies the frequent use of alcohol by the need to relieve stress or problems with the boss.

The child is usually taught that dirty linen should not be taken out in public. Because of this, he is constantly tense, lives in fear of inadvertently betraying his family, revealing a secret.

How does the impact manifest

Children of alcoholics often become loners. They do not know how to build friendships or love relationships, they suffer from jealousy and suspicion.

Example: "I am always afraid that the person I love will bring me pain, so I do not start a serious relationship."
In such a family, a child can grow up to be hyperresponsible and insecure.

Example: “I constantly helped my mother put his drunk father to bed. I was scared that he would die, I was worried that I could not do anything about it."
Another toxic effect of such parents is the transformation of the child into “invisible”.

Example: “Mom tried to wean my father from drinking, coded it, constantly looking for new drugs. We were left to ourselves, no one asked if we ate, how we learn, what we are fond of."
Children suffer from feelings of guilt.

Example: "As a child, I was constantly told: 'If you behaved well, dad would not drink."

According to statistics, every fourth child from a family of alcoholics becomes an alcoholic himself.

What to do

Don't take responsibility for what your parents drink. If you can convince them that the problem exists, chances are they will consider coding. Communicate with prosperous families, don't let yourself be convinced that all adults are the same.

5. Abusive parents

Such parents constantly insult and criticize the child, often groundlessly, or make fun of him. It can be sarcasm, ridicule, offensive nicknames, humiliation, which is passed off as caring: "I want to help you improve", "We need to prepare you for a cruel life." Parents can make the child a "participant" in the process: "He understands that this is just a joke."

Sometimes humiliation is associated with a sense of competition. Parents feel that the child is giving them unpleasant emotions, and connect the pressure: "You can not be more successful than me."

How does the impact manifest

This attitude kills self-esteem and leaves deep emotional scars.

Example: “For a long time I could not believe that I was capable of anything more than taking out the trash, as my father used to say. And I hated myself for it."
Children of competing parents pay for their peace of mind by sabotaging their successes. They prefer to underestimate their actual abilities.

Example: “I wanted to participate in a street dance competition, I prepared well for it, but I did not dare to try. Mom always said that I would not be able to dance like her."
Harsh verbal attacks can be driven by the unrealistic hopes that adults place on the child. And it is he who suffers when illusions collapse.

Example: “Dad was sure that I would become a great hockey player. When I was once again expelled from the section (I did not like and did not know how to skate), for a long time he called me worthless and incapable of anything."
Toxic parents usually experience an apocalypse due to the failures of their children.

Example: “I constantly heard: 'You wish you weren't born.' And this is due to the fact that I did not take first place in the math Olympiad."

Children raised in such families often have suicidal tendencies.

What to do

Find a way to block insults and humiliation so they don't hurt you. Don't let us take the initiative in the conversation. If you answer in monosyllables, do not succumb to manipulation, insults and humiliation, toxic parents will not achieve their goal. Remember, you don't have to prove anything to them.

End the conversation when you want it. And preferably before you start to feel unpleasant emotions.

6. Rapists

Parents who saw violence as the norm were most likely raised in the same way. For them, this is the only opportunity to vent anger, cope with problems and negative emotions.

Physical violence

Proponents of corporal punishment usually take out their fears and complexes on children, or sincerely believe that spanking will benefit upbringing, make the child courageous and strong. In reality, the opposite is true: physical punishment inflicts the strongest mental, emotional and bodily harm.

Sexual assault

Susan Forward describes incest as "an emotionally destructive betrayal of the basic trust between a child and a parent, an act of utter perversion." Small victims are in complete control of the aggressor, they have nowhere to go and no one to ask for help.

90% of child survivors of sexual abuse do not tell anyone about it.

How does the impact manifest

The child experiences a sense of helplessness and despair, because asking for help can be fraught with new outbursts of anger and punishment.

Example: “I didn’t tell anyone until I came of age that my mother was beating me. Because she knew: no one would believe. She explained the bruises on my legs and arms by the fact that I love to run and jump."
Children begin to hate themselves, their emotions are constant anger and fantasies about revenge.

Example: “For a long time I could not admit to myself, but as a child I wanted to strangle my father while he was sleeping. He beat my mother, my younger sister. I'm glad he was jailed."
Sexual abuse does not always involve contact with the child's body, but it is equally destructive. Children feel guilty about what happened. They are ashamed, they are afraid to tell someone about what happened.

Example: “I was the quietest student in the class, I was afraid that my father would be called to school, the secret would be revealed. He intimidated me: he constantly said that if this happened, everyone would think that I had lost my mind, they would send me to a psychiatric hospital.
Children keep the pain to themselves so as not to ruin the family.

Example: “I saw that my mother loves her stepfather very much. Once I tried to hint to her that he treats me like an adult. But she burst into tears so that I no longer dared to speak about it.
A child abused person often leads a double life. He feels disgusting, but pretends to be a successful, self-sufficient person. He cannot build a normal relationship, considers himself unworthy of love. This is a wound that heals for a very long time.

Example: “I have always considered myself 'dirty' because of what my father did to me as a child. I decided to go on the first date after 30 years, when I went through several courses of psychotherapy."

What to do

The only way to save yourself from a rapist is to distance yourself, to run. Not to withdraw into oneself, but to seek help from relatives and friends who can be trusted, to seek help from psychologists and the police.

How to deal with toxic parents

1. Accept this fact. And understand that you can hardly change your parents. But myself and my attitude to life - yes.

2. Remember, their toxicity is not your fault. You are not responsible for how they behave.

3. Communication with them is unlikely to be different, so keep it to a minimum. Start a conversation, realizing in advance that it may end up unpleasant for you.

4. If you are forced to live with them, find a way to let off steam. Go to the gym to workout. Keep a diary, describe in it not only bad events, but also positive moments in order to support yourself. Read more literature on toxic people.

5. Don't make excuses for your parents' actions. Your well-being should be a priority.