Divorce of a healthy person: how to leave in an amicable way and not harm children

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

PhD, psychologist and sociologist Christina Carter talks about how to protect children from the negative consequences of divorce, and how she herself got through this difficult period.

Can divorce be painless? The answer seems to be obvious. This event is very difficult for all family members, especially children. There has never been a more difficult and sad event in my life than a divorce. And this despite the fact that my husband and I were able to part in an amicable way.

At the same time, if the parents are unhappy in their marriage, their divorce can be beneficial for the children. The main thing is to approach him competently, in an adult way. This means that, first of all, you need to think about the offspring and their needs.

Don't let anger take over you

Many studies have shown that, guided by certain principles, parents can relieve the experience of children during this difficult period. The main takeaway from these studies is that you shouldn't let anger determine your actions.

If you have children, you can't just slam the door and walk away. In one way or another, you will have to keep working on the relationship. It's just that these relations will change qualitatively. You will no longer be a married couple, but you will remain parents forever. And despite the fact that you will live in different houses, you will still be involved in raising children.

It is also important to remember that hate prevents you from being happy. I may be saying obvious things, but sometimes they are not so easy to grasp.

Even if someone has done wrong to you, hate will not drown your pain.

And it will not help your children survive the separation of their parents, but only traumatize. Well, the pain of children will hurt you more.

Work together

Parents should work together to make the divorce the least painful for all parties. The welfare of the children should be at the forefront.

My husband and I took this advice literally. We sat down opposite each other and began to think together about how to tell the children about the reasons for our separation and how to divorce in a civilized manner. We have acted as a united front.

But it wasn't easy. We had to constantly control ourselves so as not to indulge in mutual accusations and not turn into enemies. This was especially difficult when it came to the division of property. But we have always remembered that our disagreements can hurt our children.

According to sociologists, when parents avoid conflict and work together to make divorce go without sacrifice, they usually succeed.

Forgive each other and take what is happening for granted

My husband and I had to make a huge effort on ourselves to forgive each other for all the mistakes that ruined this marriage. And forgive ourselves for not being able to keep it. To do this, we had to accept what happened.

In order to understand that the decision to divorce was justified, I made a list of all the points that did not suit me in my marriage. But long reflections on the shortcomings of my husband and the hardships of our living together only pissed me off and made me hate my partner even more.

But when I was able to accept what was happening and realize that such things happen and I can’t do anything about it, I calmed down.

I just told myself that I am who I am, and now I am a woman who is divorcing her husband. And the best way out for me will be to live in the present moment and make every possible effort to ensure that everything goes well.

And a few more tips from psychologists

1. To make it easier for your children to get through your divorce, you need to keep in contact with them constantly. Even if you cannot fight the hatred of your partner, do not stop communicating with your children.
2. Many of the problems that children face after their parents' divorce are related to the money issue. If the mother or father has to solve it alone, the child often suffers from many limitations. The parent simply does not have enough money to pay for the education of the child in a decent institution, for tutors, music lessons, and so on. Therefore, regardless of who the child is left with, do not forget to provide for it.
3. Possible moving will only cause additional stress for the child. Try to keep them to a minimum.
4. One last thing: don't forget to take care of yourself. Children will be more comfortable if everything is okay with you. Therefore, try to cope with the stress of the divorce proceedings. Chat with friends, see a counselor, or take a relaxing massage. Good sleep and regular exercise can also help you.

So can divorce be painless for your children? This question cannot be answered unequivocally. Not everything depends on you. But if you can resolve the conflicts that have arisen and end this war with an amicable agreement, if you show compassion and forgive each other, then the chances of your child safely survive the difficult times will increase significantly.