"I myself!": Why we refuse help and how to learn to accept it

What Beliefs Prevent Us from Accepting Help

Many of the reactions of a person in adulthood are associated with what experience he has experienced since birth. This also affects his attitude to help. Here are some common beliefs about why we abandon it.

To accept help is to be obliged

Perhaps the parents adhered to the position that any service should be repaid. And in order not to become a "debtor", such proposals must be rejected.

Kristina Kostikova psychologist

At the core of this belief lie the difficulty in building interpersonal boundaries, the lack of emotional separation from parents, and the fear of being bad if you turn down someone who has already helped you.

Another common reason is parental manipulation. By doing something for the child, they automatically assumed that he was now obliged to do something for them. In his refusal, he faced criticism of ingratitude.

The child came to a logical conclusion: since it is impossible to refuse a mutual service, it is better not to ask mom and dad for anything. Growing up, he spreads this belief throughout his life and tries to protect himself from such manipulations as best he can.

To accept help is to admit your weakness

The parents convinced the child that he should not share his difficulties with others. To admit that you were not coping with something meant being vulnerable, and this could be taken advantage of by enemies. It is possible that family members tended to deny that there were problems at all.

All this gave rise to an inner ban on accepting help in a person, as well as tremendous tension and doubt about how normal it is to experience difficulties.

Accepting help means not coping with the case

This happens if the child was praised only when he was doing something on his own. Only the results obtained through pain and difficulty were appreciated. And if they helped him, this is no longer his merit. Then the child could hear reproaches, sarcasm, ridicule.

Growing up, a person unconsciously begins to look at his life through the prism of “counting - not counting”. Accepting help means losing the inner game with his parents and himself, so he will avoid it in every possible way.

Christina Kostikova

To accept help means to redo everything later

The person is sure that his possible assistants will do everything wrong. As a result, time will be wasted and you will have to redo it. The parental pattern of behavior is guessed here from three notes. The child was asked to do something, and then, instead of gratitude, he was reprimanded for the inability to cope with the task.

As you can see, a deeper layer of perception is hidden behind all of the above reasons. From all situations, the psyche of people learned that it is unsafe to accept help. Rejecting it, people simply do not want to face unbearable experiences.

Christina Kostikova

How to deal with limiting beliefs

There is no universal way, because everyone has their own reasons for refusing help. To learn to accept it, it is important to find which belief is interfering and work with it. Kristina Kostikova advises you to think about a few questions:

Why do I refuse to accept help?
What do I associate with accepting help?
Am I eligible for help?
What will I think of myself if I accept it?
What emotions will I experience if someone helps me?
What do I think of people who easily accept help when they need it?
What was the attitude towards help in my family?
What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that can happen to me if I accept help?

When the reason is found, it is important to realize: you have chosen a strategy of behavior as the only one available and safe for your psyche. This is fine. Living organisms tend to adjust and adapt to the environment in which they are found.

Do not blame and scold yourself for this. Condemning parents is also not an option. They did what they could and could not share with you what they did not possess themselves. But you have to wonder if this strategy is useful for you now. If not, change it.

It is necessary to see that unconsciously you transfer the situation of interaction with parents to everyone around you. But other people are not your mother or father. Try to accept help and prove to yourself the opposite, positive side of this process. Even if you feel that you are falling into previous experiences, explain to yourself the true reason for what is happening, try to support yourself and act in a new way.

It's perfectly okay to accept help. We are real people who may have difficulties. You will be able to move on much faster and more joyfully if you understand that each of us sometimes needs support and support.

Christina Kostikova

Help does not bind you to anything, even if the one who provides it thinks differently. You do not force the person to help you. He does this only of his own free will and will. You have the right to gratefully accept the service or refuse. And all the uncomfortable feelings that arise in you, it is useful to analyze and find their true cause.