How to quarrel correctly so as not to ruin a relationship

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Simple practice will help you cope with the storm and avoid the depressing consequences.

Relationships are never perfect. We all have situations where there is a misunderstanding that grows into resentment. The only question is how the dispute will end.

XYZ - Alphabet of Healthy Relationships

The trick I'm going to talk about was invented by the founder of productive communication and communication programs, psychologist Haim Ginott. Fifty years ago, this American scientist discovered a simple formula for constructive complaint:

• X is the reason;
• Y - emotions;
• Z is the solution.

Let's imagine a situation.

The wife had a fight with her parents, and her husband did not support her in difficult times and went to a meeting with friends.

The phrase that a man might have heard on his return probably sounds like this: "You are a selfish and arrogant bastard and think only of yourself!"

A woman will be right in her own way, but this approach will not lead to a solution to the problem. Here's what the solution would look like from an XYZ perspective: “When I had problems with my parents, you didn't stay with me to support (X). At this moment, I felt lonely and abandoned (Y). I would like you to immediately support me (Z) next time."

The circuit looks easy to use. But to get used to using it, you need to understand what exactly you did wrong before and what is worth working on now. To do this, let's take a look at each element separately.

X is the reason

Very often we throw accusations without even explaining what exactly the reason for our anger is. Many are familiar with the comical female phrase "think for yourself why I was offended." And, oddly enough, no matter how many stories I heard about misunderstandings in relationships, women were the first to want to figure out what the root of the problem was.

Nevertheless, most people who nevertheless express the reason for their dissatisfaction often stop and believe that one statement of fact is enough to solve the problem: “I said that I am not satisfied, and she will figure it out herself.”

This is where the second point comes into play.

Y - emotions

In my previous article, I briefly mentioned the vulnerability paradox. We need support but are afraid to talk about our feelings because we don't want to be vulnerable. The bottom line is that the two are inseparable.

To get support and understanding from another person, you need to be absolutely sincere with him, even if at first you feel uncomfortable. If this person is truly dear to you, you can say what feelings you are experiencing, and have no doubt that he will treat them extremely carefully, because he is well aware of what this step cost you.

Just when we say what just felt because of what happened, all the negative will come to naught, because it will show how much you trust this person.

In a letter to his son, actor Yevgeny Leonov wrote: “Is there a person in your life in front of whom you are not afraid to be small, stupid, unarmed, in all the nakedness of your revelation? This person is your protection! Be ready to be open about your feelings if you are really determined to solve the problem. There can be no other way out.

After the experienced emotions, the fervor of battle always subsides, but the problem can return again, and therefore it is necessary to consolidate your success in a simple way.

Z - solution

To prevent the situation from happening again, come up with a solution that - and most importantly - will satisfy both of you. It's pretty easy to talk about what you want, and it's much harder to compromise. Therefore, you need to prepare in advance for the fact that you will have to sacrifice something so that the problem is finally resolved.

We are all different, each has its own history and baggage of the past behind us. Even people who have lived together for a very long time cannot always take the place of another person, let alone those whose relationship is just beginning.

But it is very important to try. Find a solution together and immediately agree that both will be ready to make concessions. It's not for nothing that you two did this job, right?

Finally

This simple approach to fights takes a lot of practice, but if it becomes automatic it can improve any relationship. The most important thing is to understand that you cannot get rid of problems, but you can learn how to benefit from them.

A wise man once said: "Storms are good for a person: they will pat your soul a little, but they will also take out all the dirt."

Do not be afraid of storms, after them there is always clarity.