How to stop pleasing others: 5 steps to independence

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Include healthy selfishness and do not try to raise self-esteem at the expense of someone else's approval.

Sometimes we do what we don't want to, so as not to upset others. Some have mastered the art of pleasing so masterly that they themselves no longer understand why they feel discomfort. After all, they have long ceased to pay attention to their own needs.

The reason for this behavior is simple: we all want to be liked, expect approval, love and care. But the root of the problem is low self-esteem. It is she who encourages us to perform energy-consuming, unusual actions for us, giving up our own comfort in favor of the convenience of other people.

These five steps will help you recover.

1. Let yourself be yourself

If you are called to a soccer game and you hate sports, but agree, as it can strengthen your friendship or romance, you are going against yourself. Be honest with yourself and the inviter. Admit (first of all to yourself) that you do not like this idea. Pretense and desire to do something nice will sooner or later turn against you.

During our first date with my husband, he did not interest me romantically at all, I perceived him as a friend. I didn't care if he liked me. I didn’t try to seem better than I really am. No masks, omissions or hints. He saw the real me and eventually fell in love. People are attracted by sincerity!

Sarah Fabian coach

It's okay to be yourself. There are no perfect people, and you are no exception. But your flaws make you unique. Stay true to your thoughts and emotions. Live your life.

2. Stop evaluating yourself through the prism of public opinion

Almost everyone knows the fear of public speaking. Most people feel insecure when going on stage as they care more about what the audience thinks of them than the message they want to convey.

Seeking approval from others, we become their hostages. But we cannot control their feelings, thoughts and actions, but we are fully responsible for ours.

When I realized that the opinions of others do not define me, I felt free. Some people perceive me as an intelligent and talented person. Others think that I am a mediocre or even a lousy speaker. For some, I'm beautiful. For others, no. Everyone has their own standards of beauty and intelligence, and this has nothing to do with me.

Sarah Fabian

Do what you can and how you can, improving every day. Love and approve yourself - you don't need others for this. You cannot please everyone, no matter how hard you put in. What other people think of you is nothing more than their perception, filtered through their own expectations and biases. You are beautiful and worthy of happiness, not because others think so, but because one day you decided to believe it.

3. Set adequate boundaries with the outside world

One of the hardest things on the road to inner independence is being able to say no to things you really don't want to do without feeling selfish, guilty, or overly concerned about the other person's reactions.

At work, I used to often agree to perform tasks that were not part of my responsibilities and required time that I did not have. But one day I decided to refuse and see what happens. Surprisingly, absolutely nothing happened. I just started talking out loud about my needs and no one was against it.

Sarah Fabian

Realize that you are saying no to a task or proposal, not to a person, rejecting it. In fact, you cannot disappoint anyone. People get frustrated with their own expectations of you. And this is their area of responsibility, not yours.

When you agree or reject a request that makes you uncomfortable, you form the attitude of those around you. And you decide for yourself whether to allow someone else to use you. And whether to take on the responsibility of entertaining people and making them happy.

Whenever you make time for others, you give them a part of your life. So waste your precious time with people who support you and accept you for who you are. Setting boundaries in relationships can seem like selfishness. In fact, it is a form of self-respect and self-care.

4. Learn to speak confidently

Sometimes it’s hard to say no just because you don’t know how to express yourself clearly and confidently. And you are afraid that this may sound aggressive or impolite. Learn to refuse without hurting anyone.

Here are some simple phrases to get you started:

• Right now (this week / this month) I cannot do this.
• I have too many other things to do now.
• Thanks for the invitation, but I cannot at this time.
• I won't be able to go with you, but then be sure to tell me how it went.
• Perhaps another time. I would love to be invited next week.
• Sounds great, but no thanks.

5. Become your best friend

Stop expecting other people to make you happy and figure out your needs and desires. Make yourself a priority. Do what brings you joy.

Loving yourself as a person is not selfishness, but a necessity. Get rid of negative evaluative statements about yourself: "I'm stupid", "I'm too fat", "I'm spoiling everything." Treat yourself with dignity and respect. Then praise from the outside will become an organic bonus, and not a life goal.

Just realize that the only person who is always present in your life - day and night, year after year - is yourself. And when you are in a harmonious relationship with yourself, you don't need other people to fill the holes in your own self-worth.