"We are a verb, not a noun": why it is worth giving up self-esteem in favor of self-compassion

Research by Dr. Christine Neff has shown that people who are compassionate about themselves and their shortcomings are happier than those who tend to be self-judgmental. It is this attitude towards herself that her book "Self-Compassion" is devoted to, which was recently published in Russian by the publishing house "MIF". Lifehacker publishes a snippet from chapter 7.

Conditional sense of self-esteem

"Conditional sense of self-esteem" is the term psychologists use to refer to self-esteem that depends on success / failure, approval / censure. Designated by Jennifer Crocker et al., “Contingencies of Self-Worth in College Students: Theory and Measurement,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 85 (2003): 894–908. a number of factors that often influence self-esteem, such as personal attractiveness, approval of others, competing with others, doing well at work / school, family support, a subjective sense of one's own virtue, and even the measure of God's love. People differ in how much their self-esteem depends on the degree of approval in different areas. Some people put everything on one card - for example, personal attractiveness; others try to show themselves well in everything. Research shows Jennifer Crocker, Samuel R. Sommers, and Riia K. Luhtanen, “Hopes Dashed and Dreams Fulfilled: Contingencies of Self-Worth and Admissions to Graduate School,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 28 (2002): 1275-1286.: The more a person's self-esteem depends on success in certain areas, the more unhappy he feels when he fails in these areas.

A person with conditional self-esteem may feel as if he is in a car with a reckless driver, Mr. Toad. Mr. Toad is a character in the 1996 Disney film Wind in the Willows, based on the book of the same name. In the US, the film was released under the title "Mr. Toad's Crazy Ride", and in one of the American Disneylands there is an attraction of the same name, which resembles a roller coaster. - Approx. per.: his mood is subject to sharp changes, violent glee is instantly replaced by sheer depression.

Let's say you're a marketer and your self-esteem depends on how successful you are. When you are declared the best employee of the month, you feel like a king, and when it turns out that your monthly sales figures are not above average, you immediately turn into a beggar. Now let's say that you respect yourself more or less depending on how much others like you. You will feel in seventh heaven when you receive a compliment, but you will crash into the mud as soon as someone ignores you or, even worse, criticizes you.

Once, according to my feelings, I received a tremendous compliment and at the same time was devastatingly criticized. Rupert and I, who had been an avid horseman since childhood, decided to go horseback riding, and the elderly Spanish coach running the stables was obviously attracted by my Mediterranean looks. Wanting to show gallantry, he gave me the highest, in his opinion, compliment: “You are oh-oh-very beautiful. Never shave your whiskers. I didn’t know what to do: laugh, hit him, bow my head in sorrow, or say thank you. (I settled on the first and last options, but I seriously thought about the other two!) Rupert was laughing so hard at that time that he simply could not say anything.

Paradoxically, people who excel in areas that affect their self-esteem are the most vulnerable to failure. An A-grade student feels crushed if she gets anything lower than "A" on the exam, while a student who is accustomed to

to solid "D", he feels at the height of bliss, having managed to earn a "C". The higher you climb, the more painful it is to fall.

Conditional self-esteem is, among other things, addictive and difficult to break. We enjoy the instant self-esteem so much that we want to receive compliments and win competitions over and over again. We

all the time we are chasing this high, but, as in the case of drugs and alcohol, we gradually lose our sensitivity and we need more and more in order to "kick". Psychologists refer to Philip Brickman and Donald Campbell, “Hedonic Relativism and Planning the Good Society,” in Adaptation Level Theory: A Symposium, ed. Mortimer H. Apley (New York: Academic Press, 1971), 287-302. this trend is termed "hedonistic treadmill" ("hedonistic" - associated with the desire for pleasure), likening the pursuit of happiness to a person running on the treadmill who constantly needs to strain in order to just stay in the same place.

The desire to constantly prove his toughness in areas on which a person's self-esteem depends can turn against him. If you want to win a marathon mainly to be happy with yourself, then what happens to your love of running? You do this not because you like it, but in order to receive a reward - high self-esteem. Therefore, the likelihood increases that you will give up if you stop winning races. A dolphin jumps over a flaming hoop just for the sake of a treat, for the sake of a fish. But if the treat is not given (if your self-esteem, for which you are doing your best), stops jumping, then the dolphin will not jump.

Jeanie loved classical piano and started learning to play when she was only four years old. The piano was the main source of joy in her life, it invariably carried her to the land, where peace and beauty reigned. But as a teenager, her mother began to drag her to piano competitions. And suddenly the music ended. Since Gini's emerging self-awareness was so closely tied to the role of a “good” pianist, it mattered so much for her (and her mother) which place - first, second or third - in the competition. And if she did not take the prize, then she felt completely worthless. The more Jeanie tried to play well, the worse she performed, because she thought more about the competition than about the music. By the time she entered college, Jeanie had completely abandoned the piano. She no longer received any joy from him. Such stories are often told by both artists and athletes.

When self-esteem begins to depend solely on indicators, what used to be the greatest joy already seems like sheer exhausting work, and pleasure turns into pain.

The map of the area is not the area itself

People are endowed with the ability to self-reflect and form an idea of themselves, but we easily confuse these thoughts and ideas with reality. It is as if we are replacing a fruit vase from Cézanne's still life with real fruit, confusing a canvas covered with paint with real apples, pears and oranges depicted on it, and are upset to find that we cannot eat them. Our self-image, of course, is not our real self. This is just an image - sometimes a true, but more often very inaccurate portrait of our usual thoughts, emotions and actions. And, sadly, the broad strokes with which our self-image is written do not even approximately convey the complexity, sophistication and amazing essence of our real "I".

Nevertheless, we are so strongly identified with our mental image that sometimes it seems to us that our life depends on whether we get a positive or negative self-portrait. At a subconscious level, we reason like this: if my image, which I paint for myself, is perfect and desirable, then I am perfect and desirable and, therefore, other people will accept me, not reject me. If the image that I paint for myself has flaws and repulses, then I am worthless and they will reject and expel me.

Usually our thoughts on such issues are colored either white or black: either I'm all wonderful (phew! Sigh of relief), or I'm all terrible (and you can give up on yourself). Therefore, any threat to our self-image is subconsciously perceived as a real threat, and we respond to it with the determination of a soldier defending his life.

We cling to our self-esteem as if it is an inflatable raft that will save us - or at least keep the positive self-feeling we need on the surface - but it turns out that there is a hole in the raft and air comes out with a hiss.

In fact, everything is as follows: sometimes we show good qualities, and sometimes we show bad ones. Sometimes we do useful, productive things, and sometimes we do things that are harmful and inadequate. But these qualities and actions do not define us at all. We are a verb, not a noun; a process, not a fixed thing. We - changing, mobile creatures - behavior varies depending on time, circumstances, mood, environment. However, we often forget about this and continue, relentlessly whipping ourselves up, chasing high self-esteem - this elusive Holy Grail - trying to finally find an unshakable box with the inscription "good" and firmly squeeze ourselves into it.

By sacrificing ourselves to the insatiable deity of self-esteem, we exchange the endlessly unfolding life with its wonders and mysteries for a sterile polaroid snapshot. Instead of enjoying the richness and complexity of our experiences - joy and pain, love and anger, passion, triumphs and tragedies - we try to capture and summarize past experiences through extremely simplified self-conceptual analysis. But these judgments are really just thoughts, and more often than not, they are wrong. The need for subjective superiority also forces us to focus on our differences from others, rather than on the relationship with them, which ultimately makes us feel lonely, disconnected and insecure. So is it worth it?

Self-compassion versus self-esteem

We try to respect ourselves based on our judgments and assessments, but what if positive feelings about ourselves have a completely different source? What if they come from the heart and not from the mind?

Self-compassion is not about defining and fixing our worth and essence. This is not a thought, not a label, not a judgment

and not appraisal. No, self-compassion is a way of dealing with the mystery that we are. Instead of manipulating our self-image so that it is always digestible, we, with compassion for ourselves, acknowledge that all people have

and strengths and weaknesses. Instead of getting bogged down in judging and evaluating ourselves, we become attentive to current experiences, realizing that they are changeable, impermanent.

Success and failure come and go - they do not define us or our value. They are just part of the life process.

Maybe the mind is trying to convince us otherwise, but the heart knows that our true value is in the fundamental experience of being conscious beings, able to feel and perceive.

This means that, unlike high self-esteem, the good feelings associated with self-compassion do not depend on whether a person considers himself special and above average and whether he has achieved his high goal. These good feelings arise as a result of taking care of yourself, so fragile and imperfect and at the same time beautiful. Instead of opposing ourselves to other people, endlessly playing with comparisons, we see how we are similar to them, and thanks to this we feel connected with them and whole.

At the same time, the pleasant sensations that self-compassion gives do not go away when we make mistakes or something goes wrong. On the contrary, self-compassion begins to work exactly where our self-esteem fails us - when we fail and feel

themselves inferior. When self-esteem, this capricious figment of our imagination, leaves us to the mercy of fate, all-encompassing self-compassion patiently waits to be addressed, it is always at hand.

Perhaps skeptics will ask: what do the research results say? The main conclusion of scientists is that self-compassion, according to

apparently has the same advantages as high self-esteem, but does not have any tangible disadvantages.

The first thing to know is that self-compassion and high self-esteem go hand in hand. If you are compassionate with yourself, you tend to have higher self-esteem than if you criticize yourself endlessly.

In addition, self-compassion, like high self-esteem, reduces anxiety and depressive feelings and promotes joy, optimism, and positive emotions. At the same time, self-compassion has clear advantages over high self-esteem in cases when something goes wrong or the ego feels threatened.

My colleagues and I, for example, conducted Kristin D. Neff, Stephanie S. Rude, and Kristin L. Kirkpatrick, “An Examination of Self-Compassion in Relation to Positive Psychological Functioning and Personality Traits,” Journal of Research in Personality 41 (2007): 908-916. such an experiment with the participation of students: first they were asked to fill out a special questionnaire to determine their level of self-compassion and self-esteem. It was more difficult further. They were asked to go through a mock interview, like when they were hiring, in order to "evaluate their interviewing skills." For many students, the prospect of such interviews makes them nervous, especially given the fact that soon they will actually have to get a job. In the course of the experiment, the students were asked to answer in writing a frightening but inevitable question: "Please describe your main flaw." Then they were asked to tell how calmly they took the whole procedure.

It turned out that the level of self-compassion of the participants (but not by the level of their self-esteem) can be used to predict the degree of their anxiety. Self-compassionate students were less embarrassed and nervous than those who did not show self-compassion, presumably because the former could easily admit their weaknesses and talk about them. Students with high self-esteem, on the other hand, were as worried as students with low self-esteem, because the need to discuss their shortcomings threw them off balance.

It is also interesting that self-compassionate participants, when describing their weaknesses, used the pronoun "I" less often and more often - "we". In addition, they were more likely to mention friends, family, and others in their responses. This suggests that a sense of connectedness, inseparable from self-compassion, plays an important role in counteracting anxiety.

Another experiment suggested by Mark R. Leary et al., “Self-Compassion and Reactions to Unpleasant Self-Relevant Events: The Implications of Treating Oneself Kindly,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 92 (2007): 887–904. Participants imagine themselves in a potentially awkward situation: for example, you are a member of a sports team losing an important match, or you are playing in a play and forget the words. How would the participant feel if this happened to him? Participants who showed compassion for themselves were less likely to say that they would feel humiliated and inferior and would take everything to heart. According to them, they would take this situation calmly and say to themselves, for example: "Everyone sits in a puddle from time to time" or "By and large, it is not so important." High self-esteem, meanwhile, did not help much. Participants with both high and low self-esteem were equally likely to have thoughts like “What a loser I am” or “I wish I died.” And again it turns out that in difficult times, high self-esteem is usually of no use.

Participants in another study were asked to record a video message in which they had to introduce themselves and tell about themselves. Then they were told that another person would look at each appeal and give their feedback - how much the participant seemed to him sincere, friendly, intelligent, pleasant and adult (the reviews, of course, were sheer fiction). Half of the participants received positive reviews, half were neutral. The self-compassionate participants were largely indifferent to whether they received a positive or neutral response, and in both cases, they immediately said that the feedback was in line with their personality.

However, people with high self-esteem tended to get upset if they got a neutral response ("What? Am I just mediocre?"). They also more often denied that the neutral response corresponded to their personal qualities ("Well, of course, this is all because the person who watched my video is a complete idiot!"). This suggests that people who are self-compassionate are more capable of accepting themselves no matter how much others praise them. While self-esteem soars only with good reviews and sometimes makes a person shirk and do inappropriate actions, if he realizes that he may hear an unpleasant truth about himself.

Recently, my colleague Rus Wonk and I researched Kristin D. Neff and Roos Vonk, “Self-Compassion Versus Global Self-Esteem: Two Different Ways of Relating to Oneself,” Journal of Personality 77 (2009): 23–50. the advantages of self-compassion versus high self-esteem, inviting more than three thousand people from different professions and from different walks of society to participate in the experiment (this is the largest study on this topic to date).

At the beginning, we evaluated the stability of the positive attitude of the participants to their “I” over a certain period. Do these feelings vibrate up and down like a yo-yo, or do they remain relatively unchanged? We hypothesized that self-esteem would be relatively unstable in people seeking high self-esteem, as self-esteem tends to fall when everything is

is not going as well as you want. On the other hand, since self-compassion works equally well in good times and bad times, we expected the self-esteem associated with self-compassion to be more stable.

To test their assumptions, we asked participants to report how they feel about themselves right now - for example, "I feel like I'm worse than others" or "I'm happy with myself" - and so on twelve times over eight months. Then we calculated how the participant's overall level of self-compassion and self-esteem predicted the stability of self-esteem over the control period. As expected, self-compassion was more clearly associated with resilience and consistency of self-esteem than self-esteem. It was also confirmed that self-compassion, less than self-esteem, depends on specific circumstances - the approval of others, the outcome of the competition, or subjective attractiveness. When a person respects himself simply because he is a person and is worthy of respect by virtue of his nature - regardless of whether he reaches his ideal or not - this feeling becomes much more persistent.

We also found that, compared to self-assessing people, self-compassionate people are less likely to compare themselves to others and are less likely to feel the need to repay someone for their perceived neglect.

A person who is self-compassionate has less pronounced "need for cognitive certainty" - this is how psychologists designate a person's need to acknowledge his undeniable righteousness. People whose self-esteem depends on a sense of their own superiority and infallibility tend to get angry and defensive when their status is threatened. Those who sympathetically accept their imperfection do not need to follow these unhealthy behaviors to protect their egos. One of the most striking findings from our experiment is that people with high self-esteem are much more narcissistic than people with low self-esteem. At the same time, self-compassion has absolutely nothing to do with narcissism. (An inverse relationship was also not observed, since even in the absence of self-compassion, people do not exhibit any narcissistic tendencies.)

Christine Neff is an Adjunct Professor in the Department of Human Development, Culture and Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, a PhD holder and a leading global expert in self-compassion. In her book, she identifies three components of self-compassion: mindfulness, self-kindness, and seeing oneself as part of a community. You will learn why self-compassion is more important than loving yourself, and you will learn to support yourself as you would support a close friend. Self-Compassion also contains practical exercises and stories to help you be more kind to yourself.