8 things even polite people don't have to apologize for

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Do not take on other people's problems and imposed feelings of guilt.

What you can not ask for forgiveness

1. For saying no

You have the right to refuse almost any request, offer or demand. And if the task is not part of your responsibilities or you have not previously made any promises to the person, then you should not apologize for your “no” and feel guilty.

• You are asked to stay late at work, and you are very tired and wanted to get home as soon as possible? "No, I can't, I have other plans."
• They are trying to get to know you, but you are not looking for a relationship or the person you do not like? "No, I'm not interested in this, all the best."
• An acquaintance wants you to help him carry things, and you were planning to go somewhere to unwind that day? "Will not work. But here's the phone of an excellent carrier."
• Your partner wants sex and you don't? "Let's not today: I really want to sleep."

Many are taught from childhood to be exemplary boys and girls who are terribly afraid of upsetting others and would rather sacrifice their time and comfort than refuse. Therefore, we are trying to somehow smooth out the negative response with apologies and excuses. But this is not at all necessary, and sometimes even harmful: if your interlocutor is a manipulator, he will try to take advantage of your weakness in order to still insist on his own.

Of course, keep in mind that the rule works both ways. Other people also have the right to refuse you, and their “no” should be accepted calmly.

2. For not living up to someone's expectations

This point is somewhat similar to the first: if you have not promised people anything, you should not apologize for their shattered illusions. Whether it's parents who believe that you are obligated to live according to their plan, a partner who wants to fit you into the framework of an ideal wife or husband, or a friend who has decided that you will always share all his interests and views.

Your image, which the person has created in his head, and his expectations are not your responsibility (unless, of course, you deliberately misled him). You are not obliged to serve other people's interests and adapt to other people's desires, even if they are offended at you, pressured and try to instill a sense of guilt.

3. For spending money on yourself

Some people feel selfish when they buy something for their own needs, even if it is the most necessary. It seems to them that all the money should be invested in the family: in the education of children, in mortgages, in joint vacations.

But to please yourself and even more so to buy something basic like clothes, shoes or medicine is absolutely normal. Yes, there are situations when a family has serious financial difficulties and, having bought a cake and a cup of tea in a cafe, you will leave your loved ones without dinner. But if no one is starving or in debt, then there is no need to apologize for spending on yourself.

4. For the fact that your opinion is different from someone else's

Your outlook on life may not be the same as that of your colleagues, friends, and loved ones. Let's say you don't like going to corporate parties, don't celebrate traditional holidays and look at political events differently from those around you. In some situations, it is quite possible to keep silent, but sometimes you have to declare your position and defend it.

If at the same time you behave correctly, do not be rude, do not impose your point of view on anyone, you have nothing to apologize for. You are just expressing your opinion and should not feel embarrassed about it.

5. For people doing their job

Once in a nail salon, I heard a client, sitting down at the table with the master, began to make excuses: "Excuse me, I haven't done anything with my nails for a long time, my cuticles have grown a lot." But in situations like this, there is simply no need to apologize. The person is doing the service you paid for, not doing you a favor. It is unlikely that you will apologize to the surgeon for having an inflamed appendix, or apologize to the tutor because you do not know his subject.

6. For breaking off toxic relationships

If you are unlucky and the victim of a tyrant and manipulator, be it a friend, relative, or loved one, you are not to blame for what happened. When one inflicts moral or physical pain on the other, it is always the aggressor, not the victim, who is to blame. Breaking out of such a relationship is the only correct decision. But you definitely shouldn't apologize for not wanting to endure suffering anymore. Even if they are trying to prove to you otherwise.

7. For wanting to be alone

Solitude helps to put thoughts and feelings in order. Doctors and psychologists agree that each person needs to periodically spend time alone with himself. Therefore, your refusal to go to a noisy party or the desire to walk in the park alone is not a reason to feel guilty and ask for forgiveness from friends or family.

8. For someone else's behavior

You are responsible only for your own actions, and the behavior of other adults and capable people does not depend on you in any way. So if your friend, relative or even an adult child does something wrong - let someone down, deceive, offend, get nasty, this person should apologize for what happened on his own.

What to say instead of an apology

It happens that you do not feel your guilt and there is absolutely nothing to ask for forgiveness. But you still want to somehow mitigate a rejection or an unpleasant situation. Here's what you can do:

• Express regret: "I am very sorry that I cannot help you."
• Recognize the emotions of the interlocutor: "I understand that you are very upset because I cannot come, I would also be saddened by this."
• Suggest an alternative: “Today I will not be able to sit with your child. But my sister can stay with him: she doesn’t mind.”