13 things I learned when I became a father

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Truths that are not taught in school by good parents (and in vain!).

This article is part of the "" project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

In 2012, the life of editor Pavel Fedorov changed dramatically: he became a dad for the first time. Today Pasha has two daughters: eight-year-old Vasilina and five-year-old Lilya. What really changes after the birth of children, why the elders should not give in to the younger ones and why double-check the words of the doctors - the father honestly told Lifehacker about all this.

1. Nursed other people's children and younger brothers? Everything will be completely different with yours

Only after the birth of a child do you really understand how much life changes into "before" and "after". Previously, no matter how many people there were around, you sometimes could feel lonely, but now - never: a person appears who needs you constantly (well, or the first 14 years). If you have previously nursed younger brothers, sisters and children of friends, then do not think that you are ready for anything, because your child will be completely different, and your attitude towards him too. With someone else's baby, after two hours, you howl: "Oooh, it's hard!"

2. Obligations must be negotiated ashore

I am convinced that all the problems are because people talk too little to each other. Decide in advance how the roles in your family will be assigned. We agreed that my wife would sit on maternity leave as long as needed and spend maximum time with the children, while I would go to work and solve all financial issues. Sounds patriarchal? There is an important detail: we both agreed with this decision, and it was not an imposed scenario.

Roles in your family may be different. But you will fight less if you discuss them right away.

3. Your relationship with your wife will change

The main idea, which is worth getting used to: before there were two of you, but now there are three of you, and the partner's attention will inevitably be scattered. I have heard that sometimes husbands are even jealous of their sons for their wives. This is silly.

Talk about grievances, discuss possible ways out of the situation. Then the relationship will become stronger and there will be much more trust.

4. It doesn't matter what gender your child is. You will still be glad to him

I do not understand those who shout that they only want a son, "to have an heir." What are you going to leave him as an inheritance, your mortgage? Or even better - exclamations: "What if your family is interrupted?" The ancient family of Fedorovs will somehow survive, and yours, I'm sure, too.

During my wife's first pregnancy, I had no expectations, and when I found out that there would be a daughter, I was delighted. The second time I wanted a girl even more, but I wouldn't be upset if a boy was born.

I didn't even think about which is better or worse. This is your child - what the hell does it matter what gender it is?

5. Comparing is a useless undertaking

Even if you have two children, they will be very different in character. So, one of my daughter is very sociable and emotional, the other is more focused and self-sufficient. This is fine.

And if you are staring at the children of your neighbor, then stop urgently: you do not know anything about their life, conditions and principles of upbringing. The sooner you understand that you don't need to compare your children with strangers, the more you will save your nerves. And do not care what the neighbors have.

6. Child development is not a race

A little more about comparisons. If a neighbor's child spoke at two years old, and yours at two and a half, it is not at all necessary that something is wrong with yours. There is a famous anecdote about a boy who was silent until he was seven years old, and once at the table he shouted: "Eh, and sugar in tea?" The family exclaimed: "Why have you been silent all this time?" “They used to always put it this way, why remind me,” he replied. So your child will say the first word when he needs it.

My youngest daughter spoke later than my eldest. We were worried that she would not start in any way, went to the clinic, and the doctor cut off: "She's just deaf." We were in a panic - to hear this from a medic! - but decided to continue examinations in other clinics. After a couple of weeks and 25 thousand rubles, it turned out that everything was fine with my daughter. The first doctor just shrugged her shoulders: "So she was mistaken." And three months later, Lily began to speak. By the way, we no longer went to this doctor.

7. The older child should not be inferior to the younger

If there are more than one of your children, do not allow only the eldest to take care of all the misdeeds. I constantly hear children being asked to give in, meet halfway and “be smarter”. No one should do anything just because of their age: before you are two completely different people with their own characters and principles. And you do not need to break one of them to give indulgence to the other.

8. Punishments without logic are stupid punishments

If you decide to teach a lesson, remember that punishments should be, on the one hand, tangible, and on the other, not too painful. To leave without chocolate for a month is too cruel, because a month in a child's world is a whole life. It is unlikely that after that he realizes the full depth of the offense - rather, he will harbor a grudge against you. But to live without sweets for one day is quite real.

It is important not only to punish, but also to explain what and why you are doing, then the children will understand what rules must be followed. Speak calmly and try not to pump up. The scheme with "I count to three!" Works especially badly: you freak out, relations deteriorate, but the situation does not change. Children are people too (can you imagine?), And a reasoned conversation will yield more results than shouts and threats.

One day your child will grow up and tell his psychoanalyst everything that you said to him in the heat of quarrels. Spare his life and wallet.

9. Children can respect other people's personal boundaries. But they won't learn this without you

When you and your child are in a public place and he starts yelling, you can do two disgusting things: yell back at him or ignore him completely. Your task is to teach your child to live in society and not violate the boundaries of other people.

Several years ago we had a case: our whole family was traveling by train, the girls calmly buried themselves in the tablets and coloring books, and a couple of their peers were jumping on the neighboring chairs. Ohr broke through the headphones so hard that I could not resist and asked the mother to calm the children down. The reaction was immediate: "Come on, shut up, you see, my uncle is unhappy!" But the problem is not that the evil uncle is unhappy. All the other people around are also hardly happy, just the uncle's patience ran out.

Why were my children sitting quietly? Because my wife and I spent a lot of time explaining that we should not interfere with the people around. Spend it too.

10. Shared sandbox is not a reason to make friends

Your child does not have to bond with peers simply because he and they are children. You can't put everyone in the same sandbox and say, "Play." The same goes for parties where adults float children into one room in the hope that they will have fun themselves.

Imagine that you are in a completely unfamiliar company and are forced to spend several hours in it. Will you be comfortable? The child feels the same way.

11. You can save money on a child

Children will always cost you money, but you can never guess how large the amount will be. Someone buys one pair of shoes and walks in it for six months, while someone's leg grows so quickly that new shoes are needed every month. And also clothes and shoes are constantly getting dirty, torn and worn out.

At some point, you realize that you are dressing a child not so that he is beautiful, but in order to just be naked.

But spending can be taken under control: it is not at all necessary to take the most expensive stroller, and many things can actually be obtained used - it all depends on the capabilities and your internal compass. A small child doesn't care how expensive his jacket is. The only thing that is definitely not worth sparing money on is doctors: saving on health always plays against you.

12. Not all childhood conflicts need to be intervened

Sooner or later, your child will have a fight with his friend - let him handle the situation on his own. Recently, my girls quarreled with a friend, my mother climbed in from the other side, at first we fussed: "They hurt!" And then we discussed and understood: this is their life, and they themselves must look for ways to solve problems. Better to let a person get burned in a relationship at eight than at sixteen, because then he will be more wounded. If it is not about bullying, children are quite capable of figuring out sensitive issues on their own.

13. The child does not have to be the way you like

Our children did not ask us to give birth to them. Therefore, there is no need for expectations. They are not horses at the races or the employees you hired for the company. I hate it when they say: "Until the age of 18 I support him, which means that he will do everything the way I want!" It will be with you, without you - no.

There are a million stories about people who graduated from the hated law school because my mother said so. Are they happy? Instead of indulging your self-esteem, support what your child really likes. Do you like to draw ponies? Take your pencils. Interested in Spider-Man? Yes, I have a whole rack, read to your health.

And yes, as one famous Russian footballer used to say, your expectations are your problems.