Counterdependency: why a person avoids close relationships and what to do about it

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

It will not be easy to “warm up” such a partner.

Books about love, romantic comedies and glossy articles make us believe: everyone around us dreams of a relationship, because falling in love and being close to a loved one is a delightful experience. But there are people who, on the contrary, avoid relationships, and if they do find a couple, behave aloof, do not share their experiences, sometimes do not even allow themselves to be touched. All of these can be signs of counterdependence.

What is counterdependence and how does it manifest

The life hacker has already talked about codependency - a kind of relationship pathology, due to which a person makes a partner the center of his universe. Counterdependence is the opposite state. Because of her, people avoid intimacy. Here's how it can manifest itself:

• the person closes up and does not show emotions;
• afraid to seem vulnerable, does not share his experiences and problems;
• does not talk about personal topics, does not talk about secret moments, dreams or memories;
• behaves cold;
• may avoid meeting, flirt with someone else;
• difficult to talk about the future, to designate the status of relations;
• does not let another person into his life, does not want, for example, to engage in the same hobby with a partner;
• He demonstrates in every possible way to a partner and to the whole world that he maintains independence: for example, he deliberately devotes little time to a loved one, putting work and self-realization in the foreground.

Sometimes the counterdependent person behaves this way even at the initial stage of the relationship, and sometimes problems appear when moving to a deeper level of interaction. Moreover, the point after which the relationship causes discomfort, each has its own, for example, the first sex, meeting the partner's parents, setting the date of the wedding.

A couple of years ago I met a young man, let's call him Misha. At first everything was fine, we went somewhere together, spent time. But as soon as I hinted that it would be nice for us to move in, Misha changed in his face. He reacted as if I had said something terrible, and for the next couple of weeks we did not see each other and hardly spoke: he was busy, then he did not hear the phone.

Then for a while, everything worked out, but as soon as I started neat conversations about joint renting an apartment, it was closed. He also really didn’t like to talk about his family and childhood. It seemed to me that either he did not trust me, or something terrible had happened to him. Or maybe I am doing something wrong.

Once I corresponded on social networks with Misha's sister. She mentioned that he was always so closed, he repelled people - both friends and girls. And I even went to a psychologist, but for a very short time.

I tried to talk with Misha on this topic, to show that I am not his enemy, I love him, I want to be with him. But he avoided these conversations. As a result, the relationship ended: I wanted feedback and development, but there was none.

"Counterdependency" is not the only term used to describe this behavior. It became widespread through the work of psychologists Berry and Janey Winehold, and before that, this condition was called attachment trauma.

How a counterdependent person differs from a self-sufficient person

It may seem that some of the listed symptoms fit well into the normal behavior of a self-sufficient person. Yes, he retains autonomy, does not give up his interests and affairs, does not allow himself to be controlled, does not dissolve in a partner and does not sacrifice his life for him. The question is, what's wrong with that?

But psychologists believe that there are still differences between a self-sufficient person and a counterdependent:

• A self-sufficient person calmly admits that to one degree or another he depends on other people, as they do on him. This balance is called interdependence and is considered a healthy form of relationship between people, a kind of symbiosis.
• He doesn't feel anxious or fearful when he gets close to other people.
• A self-sufficient person fully feels control over himself, his actions, decisions, his life.
• Such people are able to build deep, close relationships, they are not afraid to be vulnerable, to trust another person.
• They remain relatively independent not because they are afraid of something, but because they want to self-actualize and achieve something (build a career, get an education, run a marathon, learn a foreign language, and so on).

What is the reason for counterdependence

Julia Hill Psychologist, member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League, blogger.

If you look at the origins of this behavior, when the partner runs away, as soon as the distance between you is closing, then we are talking about attachment trauma.

This is a child who was not given love in childhood. Why were they not given enough? Maybe the parents were too busy with themselves, sorting out the relationship, work, were sick or liked to drink. There was no one to support, protect, help to survive unpleasant events. The impression is that the world is dangerous and unpredictable and - what is most terrible - parents are also unpredictable people. So proximity is dangerous. This is such a childish, but very powerful conclusion, which leaves an imprint for the rest of your life and forms a scenario of behavior.

Growing up, such a person wants warmth and love, but at the same time is afraid of them. Sometimes he even cannot explain why this is so and what is happening to him. This is an unconscious process and is often somatized. For example, a man is going on a date, and then his stomach is grabbed.

How to behave in a relationship with such a person

Counterdependent people's partners often take it personally. We are sure that something is wrong with them, they are worried, trying to “correct”. Or, conversely, they think they are dealing with a manipulator who deliberately plays with their feelings. But it is important to understand: unlike the latter, a counterdependent person does not try to control a partner, does not seek to hit him more painfully and enjoy his suffering. He himself is not happy in this situation, because he feels lonely and wants to build a relationship, but cannot.

Julia Hill

To preserve the relationship, the partner of such a person will have to give and do what the parents did not do and did not give in their time. This is such a maternal function: to accept, support, care, praise. To create a fertile soil on the site of a spiritual wound, on which roses will bloom one day.

So, most likely, when the roses bloom, the healed partner separates from you. In the same way as he would be separated in the normal version of his development from his parents. Because if in a relationship your function is not “partner”, “lover”, “friend”, but “parent”, then they will develop in the same way as relationships with parents develop.

I must say that a psychologically whole person is unlikely to pay attention to a partner avoiding intimacy. As a rule, such people attract those who choose distant partners (this is an emotionally or physically distant parent in history). And together they create such a tandem, where one runs away all the time, and the other catches up. It is important for one to be loved, and for the second it is important to love himself. Such an idea about the magical power of love, with the help of which you can save another from suffering.