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Paired with myself: who are singles and is this path right for you?
Paired with myself: who are singles and is this path right for you?

There is nothing wrong with being alone, especially if you have chosen it yourself.

Paired with myself: who are singles and is this path right for you?
Paired with myself: who are singles and is this path right for you?

This article is part of the "" project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

Who are the singles

Some people live alone. Someone is forced, for example, because of a divorce or the death of a loved one. And someone consciously chooses not to enter into a relationship. In the Russian language there is no definition for such: “lonely”, “lonely”, “unmarried” and “bachelor” do not fully reflect the essence of the phenomenon. In English they are called singles, or people who are paired with themselves.

How many singles in Russia and in the world, no one knows for sure. But sociologists agree that there are more and more of them every year. And mainly at the expense of young people from 18 to 34 years old.

Why do people choose life without a partner

Couple is no longer needed for survival

Let's be honest: before, families were started not only because of love. Even 100 years ago, life was very difficult for a lonely person: it was more difficult to feed himself (it was almost impossible to maintain the farm without help), there was no one to intercede for him, he had to rely only on himself. And a family, especially a large one, meant a lot of work hands and, therefore, more money, connections, opportunities and support.

Thanks to industrialization, people began to move to cities, they got the opportunity to work and earn money one by one. Life expectancy is gradually increasing, as well as average income and comfort levels. Almost any service that previously could only be performed by family members can now be entrusted to specialists - from cleaning an apartment to building a house. Many people understand that a family is no longer a necessity, and they simply have no other motivation to look for a couple and have children.

Singles value personal space more than relationships

Some people find it important to have more time for themselves. They do not want to sort things out because of a loose tube of toothpaste or coordinate their plans with a partner. And this is so critical that singles prefer not to pair.

I do not want to enter into a relationship, as this is unnecessary trouble and a headache. I saw, for example, how a friend's boyfriend points out to her that something needs to be cleaned or cooked. Or constantly monitors her, asks when she will return home. And when you are alone, you do not need to report to anyone: where you were, what you did. Absolute freedom.

I also don't want to share my life with anyone: I cook for myself, I clean myself. At home I take a break from communication and people.

Of course, loneliness also has disadvantages: there is no present from a man for his birthday, no one will intercede for you if something happens. But my peace of mind is more important to me.

Those close to me do not understand why I am alone. But I have a difficult personality and it is difficult for me to build a relationship. Also, I don't really like to leave my comfort zone. Therefore, I chose the path of a loner.

Loneliness can open up new possibilities

It's much easier to make a career if you don't have to cook for several people, sculpt kindergarten crafts at night, or toss and turn in bed because your partner snores.

Traveling alone is cheaper than the whole family: you can safely take a cheap ticket without luggage, book a place in a hostel and eat instant noodles. There will also be more time and money left for hobbies and self-development.

There are many interesting things to do in the world

The times when a person after a working day simply had nothing to do but stay at home surrounded by his family are over. We have a variety of entertainment, learning opportunities and other ways to make the most of your free time. So looking for a partner just so as not to suffer from boredom on long lonely evenings makes no sense.

Warmth and support are not only found in romantic relationships

People want to be understood, respected and loved. They like to feel connected with someone and realize that they are valuable. However, all this can be provided not only by a romantic partner. Friends and close relatives are also able to give you their warmth.

There is even the concept of relationship anarchy. It states that one form of interaction (in particular, romantic unions) is in no way superior to others (for example, friendship) and should not be considered a standard.

You don't have to have a regular partner to have sex

There are many ways to find a couple for one night: from traditional dating in a bar to special apps or themed sex parties. The main thing is not to forget about safety and contraception. Introverts and shy people who find it difficult to meet someone every time will come to the aid of intimate toys.

Well, in general, sex is not a vital need. Some people, like asexuals, don't need it at all.

Why people choose loneliness: you don't have to have a permanent partner to have sex
Why people choose loneliness: you don't have to have a permanent partner to have sex

What to prepare for when choosing a relationship with yourself

Your perception of loneliness can change over time

After 40 years, people have a growing fear of loneliness. They cease to perceive it as a freedom that can be enjoyed, and begin to feel weary about it. This can be influenced by many factors: health problems, fear of impending old age, age-related changes in the psyche, an increased amount of unoccupied time.

There is no escape from condemnation

It becomes less, but it does not completely disappear. There are endless questions from relatives, and inappropriate jokes about 40 cats or a bachelor life, and just a dismissive attitude.

People without a partner, according to research, are considered more infantile and selfish, and are credited with communication problems. There is still a chance to face discrimination: landlords are more willing to rent out apartments for couples, hotels often do not provide rooms for one, and you have to pay extra for paired options, and in a restaurant they can even put a single at a good table.


Now I am 31 years old. I always knew that I wanted to be alone, and did not strive for a relationship. Contrary to stereotypes, I had no negative experience, I was not disappointed in anything or anyone. I'm just so comfortable.

I don't need children. I am quite capable of supporting myself on my own. To nail the shelf, there are special services. To get sexual satisfaction, vibrators and other toys exist. And warmth and support … I have friends, I have two sisters, we communicate a lot and help each other. So I just don't see the need for a partner.

I am free, I do not need to adjust to anyone, to report to anyone, to change something in my life. I wanted to go to work abroad - I left. I wanted to break into a visit - no problem. Selling an apartment and buying a house in nature is easy.

But there is also a downside. This is the attitude of people. Some outside citizens from the Internet don't really bother me. But it happens that relatives and colleagues get on their nerves.

Mom constantly sighs: how is it, what will I do in old age, who will support me, who will help when they are gone with their father. Well, in general, this is not humanly, it is not good, there must be a couple. I asked many times not to raise this topic and respect my choice, but my mother is enough for a couple of weeks at best, and then everything repeats. From time to time they even try to woo the sons of my friends, but to no avail.

At work, they whisper behind their backs, gossip, discuss what is wrong with me. Recently there was an unpleasant incident: a colleague tried to hook me up with the help of her husband, who has connections. And then I felt weak and defenseless: I don’t have a husband who would stand up or provide protection.

I do not exclude that one day I will still have a relationship. But only if I meet a person with whom I want to be together. Until that happened.

You need to rely only on yourself

If a single gets seriously ill, gets into trouble, or needs support, there may not be people around to help.

Some problematic issues can be solved by professionals for money. However, almost 70% of Russians do not have any savings, which means they cannot cope with difficulties alone. You can get warmth and support from friends. But we have to admit: cases when a person undertakes to provide for a seriously ill friend or take care of him are quite rare.

However, a family or a regular partner is also not a panacea. They are not always able and willing to help. The conclusion is the same: it is better to rely on yourself.

How to know if you need a partner


Natalya Zholudeva Clinical psychologist, schema-and REBT-therapist.

Man is a social being. It grows and develops from the very beginning in dialogue, and this determines the structure of consciousness.

We need another in order for the dialogue to continue, so that we check ourselves and rule about another person, so that he will fill us in what we need. It is very important for someone to feel loved. Someone needs to be pushed, directed or acted as a motivator: "For her, I can get the moon from the sky, but for myself there is no point in moving: I don't need much."

We value this feeling of being in demand and completeness, which the other gives. And it is important for us to share what we have.

But sometimes a single appears - a person who is satisfied, self-sufficient and satisfied. He does not need another, he himself has everything. He feels the fullness of life, being alone. Of course, he can share with someone a couple of evenings or even months, but he is not ready to squeeze into a permanent relationship, because he alone is better.

He is his own engine. His dialogue with the world does not require witnesses and unfolds within. By the way, this does not mean that he is happy alone. Nor does it mean that people in a pair are also necessarily happy. This story is not about happiness. It is about fullness, lack of need and the enjoyment of freedom. The decision to be alone is made not because it is scary to be with someone, but because it is good and so.

But the intention not to have a pair can be forced. For example, if the fear of a relationship is stronger than the desire to find a loved one. It happens that family life seems too scary, because the parental family was a bad model or the person is not ready to take responsibility. Then he declares: "I don't need anyone, I can do it myself." There is no joy in his voice, but fear is heard.

A person shuts off his feelings, turns off negative thoughts. But, unfortunately, at the same time, access to happiness, to the experience of the fullness of being, and to emotions in general, disappears.

The single doesn't run away from a relationship, but prefers to be alone. And this is a free choice. The inner support is enough for him. Nesingle needs support in another person, a reflection of himself in him, confirmation of his need, integrity and value. I believe that there are very few true singles.

And remember: even if you consciously chose loneliness, you can change your mind at any time. It's strange to give up a relationship with someone you really like, just because you once decided to be a single.