How do we lose ourselves in relationships and can it be avoided

Sometimes it seems to us that to love someone means to completely dissolve in this person, to merge with him into one whole. To become one of those couples who go everywhere together, start a common account on social networks, share absolutely everything with each other and completely exclude the pronoun "I" from their vocabulary, replacing it with "we". But self-sacrifice and complete abandonment of one's interests often underlie codependent relationships and various forms of violence. And this is how it all happens.

We forget about our interests

A harmonious relationship is not a follower and a leader, not a plus or a minus. This is a union of two full-fledged personalities, each of which has its own interests, desires and goals. It happens that these interests come into conflict. For example: he plans to go to a party with mutual friends, and she wants to lie on the couch and watch TV shows. Nothing bad will happen if someone gives in. Let's say she agrees to be at home for the weekend.

But if one partner gives up their desires every time for the sake of another, this is not much like a healthy and equal relationship.

Such a person may even sacrifice his career, forget about his favorite hobby and other important things for him. Making concessions like this will make him unhappy and inevitably hurt the relationship. Sooner or later, the second partner, even if he did not require such sacrifices, will be presented with an invoice:

"I sacrificed everything for you, and you!"
"I gave up my hobbies and devoted time only to you!"
"I spent all my money on you and did not keep anything for myself!"

What to do

Keep doing your hobby. You can involve your partner in your favorite pastime, and if he does not share your interests, choose the time that you will devote to your hobbies.
Talk to your loved one about your goals and desires. If your aspirations do not match, try to find a compromise - to make sure that neither side gets hurt. When your partner does not take your goals seriously, instills in you a sense of guilt, requires you to abandon your plans, it is worth considering whether you need such a relationship, because these are all signs of emotional abuse.
Support your partner's interests and hobbies. Explain to him that it is not necessary to sacrifice what is important to you.

We do not defend our opinion

It seems to us that in an ideal relationship there should be no conflicts, therefore, we are ready to agree with a partner - if only there is no quarrel. But if someone alone gives in all the time, he gradually loses self-confidence, loses personal boundaries, becomes too driven.

What to do

A healthy relationship does not mean that your views will always coincide and that you will not fight. They assume that you will be able to listen to each other, calmly express your position, offer options for resolving the conflict and choose one that suits both.

For example, one of the partners wants to live in their own home, while for the other, a developed infrastructure is important. You can quarrel over this in a splash. Or you can discuss the situation and choose a private house or townhouse in the suburbs, so that there are shops, bus stops and clinics nearby.

Feel free to voice your opinion even if you know your partner doesn't share it. Learn to defend your values calmly, without going into insults and scandals. And don't let your loved one agree with you for show.

We give up our friends

Before starting a relationship, you regularly saw your family, went to visit friends. But now you have a loved one - and all other people began to gradually disappear from your life. Sometimes this process is quite natural and is perceived philosophically: time passes, interests and values change, the social circle too. But, if you had to forget about friends because your partner doesn't like them, or you stopped going to book club meetings because your loved one requires the most of your time, you should be wary.

This behavior can be manipulative, the purpose of which is to isolate you from loved ones, deprive you of support and make you more controllable.

It also happens that we sacrifice communication with friends and acquaintances, not because we were pushed to this, but because we believe it is right. Supposedly partners should spend all the time together. In this case, we drive ourselves into isolation on our own. This threatens with loneliness, disappointment and discontent, which over time will certainly spill over into the other half.

What to do

Keep in touch with friends and family. Correspond, talk on the phone, set aside time for meetings. If your partner doesn't get along with your buddies, try to smooth out the conflict. Or keep chatting with them yourself. Starting a serious relationship doesn't mean locking yourself out at home and cutting yourself off from the outside world.

We don't spend time on our own

Someone believes that if one of the partners wants to be alone, then there is a problem in the relationship. After all, loving people do not get tired of each other and do not need solitude. As a result, you do not take time for yourself, you do not relax. And this is very exhausting, makes the person irritable, makes him angry with his partner.

The same goes for personal space.

There is an opinion that there can be no closed doors and secrets between loved ones.

This means that you need to give your partner passwords from accounts in social networks, show him the correspondence on demand, report where you were, what you did, what you think and dream about. But if at first such openness may seem romantic - that's how close we are, we don't hide anything from each other - then over time, because of it, personal boundaries are erased. A person no longer feels like a whole, independent person. He will either completely lose himself, or try to break out of a stifling relationship.

What to do

Spend time with yourself regularly if you feel the need. Stay at home alone, go for walks, go to the movies or to exhibitions. Do what you like and enjoy your own company. Solitude will give you a lot of energy, help you ventilate and fill with new ideas.
Determine what information you are willing to share with your partner and what you prefer to keep with you. It's perfectly okay if you don't want to give him passwords for your accounts, tell him what you talked to your friends about, or explain why you feel sad. Tell your loved one that relationships are built on trust and that you need space. If he disagrees with this and demands to be held accountable for every move, you may have become a victim of an abuser.

Of course, all of the above implies that you do not lie to your loved one, do not cheat on him or deceive his trust.